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Friday, 10 June 2011

"Tupperware" ... a career my mom wouldn't have considered.....

I promised you I'd give you the reader's digest version of the party the gorgeous Miss "L" invited me to, so here it is.....

One afternoon, I'm putzing around checking my email... I open it up to see a cute little invitation to a "Tupperware" party... that's how it's written... in quotes like that, but seeing as how I'm not really a suspicious person... unless I'm perusing profiles on a dating site, I didn't really think anything of it.... 

At the time, I had a very strict rule going,  to attend any and ALL social invitations no matter how lame....As long as they offer ALCOHOL.  I mean, really, those parties should ALL offer cocktails...things don't get much lamer than a Tupperware party, unless, of course you're talkin' Amway..... Those people are just SICK.

I send back a reply saying I'll attend....

The next day Miss "L" and I are chatting and she says she's glad I can make it to the "TUPPERWARE" party, and adds ..."and by "TUPPERWARE" I mean sex toys hahaha."  Miss "L" likes to joke around a lot, so I was totally confused as to whether she'd found some new use for that tupperware salt shaker, or whether it was really a sex toy party... 

When I show up at her house the next day, there are about 30 women, all sitting in chairs that were lined up all the way around her living room....so, I grab a martini, and a seat.  I soon realize, this ain't Tupperware, and I'm thinking "This should be interesting...."  Lots of these women have been to a whole bunch of these parties I gather by the conversation around the sharing circle. 

There are only a couple of people I know there, including a mom and daughter, and a married born again Christian woman who wouldn't say shit if her mouth was full of it.... I'm guessing she thought "TUPPERWARE" was the same as Tupperware too...

Born Again is looking a little mortified at the conversations going on around her as the martini's loosen people up.... "Oooooh - I haven't got the big PURPLE one, but that little silver bullet is AWESOME... I think I'm going to order two this time, in case I wear the first one out." 

When the sex toy rep comes in to do her presentation, I realize I've met her several times in the past with her beautiful baby girls but would never have pegged her for a vixen... she seriously looks like she could star in an Ivory Soap commercial... she's so sweet and INNOCENT looking, and is just an absolute sweetheart.... of course that gets me on a tangent....I'm thinking that's not a job I could picture MY mom doing, even if we were starving.... God... what a horrible picture THAT creates, right?  I find it easier to picture my mom as a freaking lumberjack or trapeze artist.  Seriously.

OOhhhh sorry, Magpie moment... back to the story...

The sweet Ivory Girl says she wants to play a game to get things kicked off, and make us more comfortable..... um...not so much...

She says she's going to ask a series of questions.  If we've actually DONE what she asks us, we are to stand and move over one chair.  If we HAVEN'T done what she's asking about, we stay in our seat...if we move over and someone is still sitting in the seat, we're to sit on their lap until we can move again..... Pretty simple concept really. 

It starts with a rather tame question.  "Have you ever "done it" outside?"  Everyone stands and moves over a seat to the right...."Have you ever done it in the shower?" again the whole troop stands and moves a seat over....the questions get progressively racier as I watch some women move, some stay in their seats.  Miss "L" and I are raising our eyebrows and laughing at each other when one of us moves over and the other doesn't... surprising what you learn about your close friends at a party like that....

I'm feeling rather adventurous for about a minute until the questions get a little more pointed. 
The fabulous Miss "L" and I are both sitting on someone's knee, giving each other the "WTF?!" look while we're watching one of her married friends move over seat after seat....

"Have you had a threesome?" over a seat... "Have you ever done it with an audience of more than 3?" Over she goes again... "Have you done it with large farm animals?"...  "A Camel?"  thump and thump goes her ass in the chair... OK - those las two weren't real questions, but they were sure as hell things I have and would never do....I swear to GOD I didn't think I was a huge prude, but this broad LAPPED us.... Should have been a pretty good indicator of where this evening is going....

What a weird scenario... the party hostess is telling us she's put various creams created to "enhance your experience" in the bathrooms for us to try... Um... Here we are in a room full of WOMEN... not sure anything's gonna enhance my experience there, but there was nearly a stampede heading in to the bathrooms to try this stuff, even though they still have to sit through half the demonstration if it works. 

She had dusting powders in all sorts of flavors, about a billion different varieties of vibrators, in all sorts of "fun" colors... and she explained that when vibrators were first being marketed out of China they had to make them appear to be a toy of some sort, so they would have faces or were made to resemble some sort of animal... and true to form, many of the vibrators she has are indeed disturbingly endowed with cutesy little garden gnome faces...

The martinis are flowing nicely as people loosen up and start to get a good laugh at some of the products being handed around the room... I have to say, I was enjoying the humor and anecdotes even though I'm in a room mostly full of strangers.  A good martini will do that for a girl....

The hostess hands around a latex thing that looks a lot like a kid's teething ring but when it gets to me, I have no idea how a figure 8 of thick latex should be used.... I'm holding it out, turning it over in my hands wondering what the hell it's for or if I'm holding it upside down, when the circus freak from before grabs it from me and does a little pantomime of how it fits on her husband, and I find myself hoping these demo tools are for display only..... 

As if things couldn't get any weirder, at about 8:00 the doorbell rings, and it's the freak's husband in the flesh!  I mean the house is full of women, the representative is explaining how the products are great for giving new moms or menopausal women their mojo back, and trying to keep things relatively professional, or at least as professional as you can when your clientelle is half in the bag and we're talking about what you do in the privacy of your own bedroom...

So when Hubby strolls in he basically does a full body clinch of his wife, and proceeds to look through the catalogue with her....

Her:  "OOOOH THAT one... We have that at home, and it's AMAZING.  Makes me scream like a banshee.  We've worn the nose off of THAT dolphin more than once, har har... oh and that one is even BETTER, especially with the cream that gets hot... I remember we got that when the neighbors down the street came over for a little visit.... Oh and THAT vibrator?  I got stopped at the airport and searched, because they thought it was some sort of nuclear missile when they saw it on the scanner.... remember honey?"

Him as he's thumbing through the catalogue:  "Got it, want it, want it...got it, got it...got that too, need it, want it...." He was all loud and proud discussing his junk... and I noticed as he got louder, the conversation in the rest of the party was dropping off and the martinis disappearing faster and faster.

These two culminated their performance by basically giving a full on dry hump on a trunk "Miss L" keeps in her kitchen... much to the horror of the one mom who'd come to accompany her daughter to the party... and Born Again, who is now swilling martini's with the rest of us....

I guess I am a WAY more straight laced girl than I thought I was.... I have to say, I was a little creeped out... OK - I'm lying, I was COMPLETELY creeped out... I mean these two are people I never wanted to have to picture nekkid!  but to get back to the whole I can't picture my mom selling sex toys angle, this woman is a mother to a teenage daughter who apparently found their whole arsenal of assault one day so she had to explain what they were... Glad I dodged THAT bullet...so here we are back to picturing my mom as a lumberjack...

Later....

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