Shock and OW! - you're gonna cut me WHERE?!

Saturday afternoon I went out for a coffee with my realtor-slash-friend.... He is an imposing man, standing about 6 foot 4, and is extremely muscular having played professional football in his younger days. I find him very amusing because he’s extremely animated and can tell a story like nobody else.


I've recommended him to friends looking for a home for a couple of reasons. First, he's a very good realtor, and second, he's absolutely hilarious to go look at homes with.

He’s a year or so older than me, so we share our commiserations about suddenly being “middle aged”. 

His girlfriend is a very pretty woman a few years younger than he is, and they've decided to start a family. Because in his wilder days he made the decision he didn't want to be a father, 'Big R' had a vasectomy, so they're getting a little intervention from the fertility clinic.


He and I are both people who probably "over-share" a little, but we get each other, so enjoy hearing what's going on in the other's life. We generally meet about every three months or so, just to touch base.... and here's the meat of this session.... no pun intended....


After exchanging pleasantries at the local Starbucks, we started getting into the catch up phase of our visit since we hadn't chatted in a bit. When I asked him what was going on with the baby situation, his answer was "Well, my part's done."

So before I remembered his back story, I said "Yours was the easy part!" "Not so much..." he says, and that's when I remember the whole snippage situation...

Because we like to share I asked him if he'd had to have a reversal, or whether they'd gone in to harvest.... He says... "Um... ya, well they decided to go in and do a harvest, so that I wouldn't have to have full on surgery, but that isn't quite how it worked out...." He proceeds to tell me when they tried to give him a local, the freezing didn't take.... so they tried again, and again to freeze him with the same result every time.

When they realize it just isn't going to work, they decide to try the other side. Same result there.... so he says to the doctor "OK - so if you can't freeze me, let's just do it without anesthetic. How long will I be in pain start to finish." The doctor's answer is about 12 minutes, so being a pretty strong guy, he decides he'll tough it out.

At this point I’m wincing because he describes a procedure where in order to position things correctly, there’s a nurse basically holding his jewels in her hand while the doctor goes in with a large harvesting needle, wiggling it around to make sure he's in the right spot.  He says there the nurse was, holding the most intimate part of his anatomy, but not making any eye contact… 

He said when the doctor put the syringe’s contents into the microscope, there was a second female technician, with her back to him watching a screen to see if there were any live sperm.  All he could see was the technician shaking her head no… so they tried a couple more times, again on both sides, to no avail. 

Finally they decided to actually cut into his testicle to remove a chunk of flesh where his swimmers should be… still no luck.  The doctor did a test of the tissue, and determined that ‘Big R’ must be on steroids.  “No, Doc, I don’t do that stuff anymore… crap! I’m 50 years old… if I was on steroids, I’d tell ya.”

After some questioning back and forth, it was determined he’d been on some dietary supplement bought over the counter at one of those weight lifter stores, with more anabolic effect than when he actually WAS on steroids in his football days. He said they found that he had about 8 times the normal level of testosterone in his system!

It was decided he needed to take some medication to counteract the steroid effect for a couple of months and they could try the whole procedure again.  “You know, I’ve been stitched up a million times, because I had injuries when I was playing ball” he says,  “They always used those metal staples to close me up, and that’s pretty quick… but NOOOO I have to get the doctor that’s doing this…” as he pantomimes someone sewing with a very long thread making that little jerking motion at the end to ensure the stitch is tight…. Laughing, I told him “You know, you’re the only MAN that could tell that story and make it funny.” 

He responded “Ya… it always makes me laugh when I tell guys, because they sit there, cross their legs, wince and finally put up their hand and say ENOUGH!”.

He added that the procedure both times left him black and blue from his belly button down to about mid thigh and feeling as though he'd been "kicked hard in the bag".  It was so bad, he "didn't even want to touch" himself... um...ok... I'm PRETTY sure he meant to wash...

I have to give the guy credit. He went back a couple of months later for a second go round… again without freezing…. And this time it was successful. 

Because he read most professional athletes are born in the spring, they’re holding off trying until they can "plan" a spring baby… Good luck with that... I've found kids have their OWN ideas about things, but I have my fingers crossed for him… I’m guessing any guys reading this probably have their LEGS crossed for him too….

I was a good girl, and didn't tell him I imagine when his son turns about 15, and he's 65 or so he'll feel like he's been kicked in the nuts on a daily basis....

Later….