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Tuesday, 14 June 2011

Can I get an AMEN for Juan the Pool Boy


What is it they say about the best laid plans of mice and men?  Well, in this case, it's those crappy Universe headphones again...  all they heard of that was "laid" and "men" apparently...

Remember "Barbie" from yesterday... well here's the rest of the story.  Right before she left for her Atlanta business trip she was sick, so went to the doctor trying to shake an athsma attack she felt coming on...  Her doctor put her on prednesone to try to get some lung function back... if you've never taken prednesone, it's a steroid, and can affect your sleep habits.  Because she wanted to address the problem right away, she took one of the tablets at about 2:30 in the afternoon, and didn't sleep the whole night before she leaves.

She figures she'll try to sleep a little on the plane, but she's had to take another pill early that morning...She tells me  "Holy CRAP I'm absolutely WIRED on this stuff..."  Needless to say, she doesn't sleep on the plane at all, and arrives at the convention just vibrating.  Now, this girl is vivacious to start with, but she's operating on zero sleep from the night before, coupled with the prednesone effect, and she's excited about the next few days networking.  Let's face it, an out of town convention is an opportunity to be someone you probably aren't at home....

The first day was packed with activities, and afterward she and some friends from work go out to have a couple of drinks.  Barbie is 47 and a couple of the girls she's out with are married and in their 30's so when an attractive early 20 something guy starts hitting on her hard, they're egging her on to "Go for it!"... She keeps telling them how ridiculous it is that this kid is hitting on her, but she's flattered... This is Friday night....

She's telling me how she brushes off his advances, but somehow he got her cell number, and when he isn't actually at the table, he's sending her texts about how beautiful she is, and how much he wants her.... She says she's very flattered by the attention, but the age discrepancy was "ridiculous".  Finally, at about 2 in the morning, she relents and tells him her room number. 

Apparently a night of amazing passion ensues, and she kicks him out at about 7 in the morning ...remember now, she's operating on about two hours sleep here...and now she has to sit through an entire day of meetings. 

He texts her all day long and calls a few times, but she ignores him, because she's feeling a little ashamed about...Um...'educating' the poor kid...

On Sunday she gets invited to go to church with a friend.  She agrees to go, because she's feeling, in her words, "like I've committed a completely mortal sin, and if I don't go and pray for my black soul, I'm gonna be struck down by lightning..."  She is sitting in the pew with her friend on one side, and a "nice, sweet, gentle black man" on the other... she describes how he says "Amen!" or "Hallelujah!" whenever the minister makes a comment that obviously speaks to him...

Meanwhile, he's moving closer and closer to her... while this is all going on, she says she's completely feeling the hand of God, because the preacher's sermon that day was on being lonely.  "So, Brothers and Sisters!  You feel loneliness heavy on your shoulders... so you go out to a bar and drink and you pick up a STRANGER!  But that stranger is just cold comfort!... (insert a Hallelujah from the buddy next to "Barbie")...There's something missing in your HEART, Brothers and Sisters...can I get an Amen! (Amen!!)...

Barbie says she was sitting there totally wondering how the adventures with her boy toy, let's call him "Juan the Pool Boy" happened to be broadcast to the preacher... and all the time, this "precious man" beside her is sitting closer and closer to her, trying desperately to share his song book....

She says she was sitting there doing the little inner voice dialogue:

"WTF is HAPPENING here?  Seriously?  Is this guy HITTING on me in CHURCH?!... OMG, if he gets any closer, he's going to be sitting on my knee! ...and is that preacher looking right AT me?... Am I being "Punked"?..."

She's sitting there, sweating, and feeling increasingly uncomfortable about the sermon when she turns to her girlfriend and says "Listen.  If I start speaking in TONGUES, we could be in trouble!" 

When the service ended, she says the guy in the pew beside her turned to her and said that he had an uncanny sixth sense about people's energy... "You have an amazing POSITIVE energy.  I'd like to take you to supper."  She says she feels like she was in an episode of the Twilight Zone...

That night when she got back to her room, she finally dozed off... and her phone rang.  She was half asleep and she answered it without looking at it, and here it is "Juan"... he's telling her he feels so used because she was ignoring the texts and messages he's sent incessantly since she booted him out of her room... her answer "What exactly did you THINK it was, Honey?!" ...
Well, the answer to THAT question, my friends, is a TWO night stand...

So what lesson can we get from this little missive?  Well, I 'm guessing God or the Universe or whatever, CAN see what you're doing, and once in a while he sets you up so he can have a good chuckle himself... can't you just see that...?

God's inside voice..."Wow! I just don't think I can leave this one alone... HAHAHAHA  Ya, that's good... now let's just tweak her reality a little more....." Personally, I think having her actually speak in tongues would have been a good addition....

You know, when my marriage ended and I'd been separated for a while, my mom tried to give me some suggestions on where I should be going to meet men, and she suggested church... I don't think I'd ever really thought it was a hot place to pick up men, but I stand corrected.....

Later...

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