Well, I have to say the new dating site is one hell of a lot more fun to be on than E-melody... but... I am really wary of any man who says he's in the military and located in Iran or Afghanistan... Yet another guy from there emailed me, and gave me a completely innocuous American sounding name, but sounds as though he isn't a native English speaker despite telling me he grew up in the States...
Mind you, I had a "wink" from some guy who grew up in a small town just outside of the city I live in, and his English was even worse.... Holy cow! First, this guy is 71 (!) but doesn't look a day over... well... 71.
... Um...don't you think you're totally overshooting here buddy? I mean, the idea of being with someone who could be my father is completely horrifying to me... and even more so when you read the profile attached.... while I feel sorry for the fellow as he lost his wife of 45 years about 6 years ago, I just can't imagine dating someone who says things like... and these are verbatim quotes....
Here's what he's looking for:
..."A healthy,Classy, slender, sex's , intelligent, understanding,elegant Lady. One that dresses sexy, not Julius of others. A good sense of humer, enjoys the out of door's. Socializing, with friends & family,'Straight forward." ....
...Huh?
He talks about being "born and razed" just outside of town here, and how he has a dog that is "spade" honestly...then the coup de grace....
"I have a Good since of hummer, love a good joke, good intelligent conversation".
Um... I don't mean to be cruel, but I'm willing to bet his hummer days were looooooooong over being married 45 years and all....and I don't care how much Viagra there is in his system, I am not going to awaken THAT beast....eeeew!
What is it about men who want to date much younger women?... They will bitch and complain about the things they hate about a woman's body as the aging process sets in, like the wings we sudenly sprout when our muscle tone on the upper arms goes, or the gorgeous wattle that starts to show itself below our chins, but they never consider the man boobs and 9 month size belly they're sportin' is no more attractive to us. The ONLY thing a younger woman wants to see growing on an older man is the size of his WALLET.
I really do wish the guy well, but I'm thinking he needs to be winking at women within a decade of his own age..... Maybe then his "since of hummer" will have a chance of coming back....
Later.
Thursday 28 April 2011
Tuesday 26 April 2011
So just for fun we'll do a real time comparison....
So, I joined three different sites.... the first thing I notice, is that a lot of the local people are on multiple sites... remember the guy I had the actual date with? Well he viewed my new profile on the new site I joined.... made me feel a little guilty.
About 5 minutes after signing in to the one that promises more dates and marriages per square centimeter than any other in the whole universe, there were several men sending me instant messages.... from half a world away. There were a couple who said they were in the forces writing from the middle east. One guy from Houston Tx and a couple from other states. Interesting profiles, and definitely more attractive than what I had been looking at on E-melody....
I'm not generally suspicious, but am a little leery when a guy has two different profile pictures, of obviously different people, one on the yahoo chat site he moved me to right away, and the other on the dating site... so... I came out and asked him if the photos from the chat site were the same as on the dating site... we'll see what his answer is. He sent me a looooooong email, which actually sounds rather like it's someone of Asian descent... interesting since both of the men attached to the profile are white and supposedly all American. I wonder if you can be spammed by some con man on there easily.... will keep my guard up from now on.
I felt rather like a guppy in a shark tank with all the instant messages coming my way. It was a little overwhelming, so I actually had to log off! When you're talking with someone, and someone else sends an IM you get bumped out of the compose window, so I had no clue who I was answering at any given time...
It sure looks like there's a busy time for traffic around 6pm... holy COW... trying to keep up with 7 conversations and remember who the heck you're talking to is a little amazing... I didn't realize there were that many lonely people in the world! While this site doesn't use 29 dimensions of compatibility, maybe it's a good thing... because honestly, on E-melody, physical attractiveness doesn't seem to be one of those. As I mentioned before, I'm not looking for a HAWT supermodel, but I do want someone who is reasonably presentable.
OK - So back to the lonely hearts club... GOD this city is small... there is a very good reason why some people are single. I have the site linked to my phone, so got a message to check my site email.... and guess what?
I'm not shitting you here, I got an email from an old "friend".... Smell your Dirty Underwear Guy... this time he has offered to mow my lawn, do my laundry, vacuum my house and rub my feet in exchange for being dominated.... UGH.... I can't think of anything less alluring to me than a guy who WANTS me to yell at him... I can say I will NEVER want to take the more traditionally male role in a relationship. It creeps me out. UGH! He has a rather Brazilian sounding screen name... when I asked him how he came up with it, he told me he drives a KIA... um... EEEW! If you're gonna drive a Kia, then you have to at least have something masculine about you to rock that....
block, blockty block BLOCK!
Later!
About 5 minutes after signing in to the one that promises more dates and marriages per square centimeter than any other in the whole universe, there were several men sending me instant messages.... from half a world away. There were a couple who said they were in the forces writing from the middle east. One guy from Houston Tx and a couple from other states. Interesting profiles, and definitely more attractive than what I had been looking at on E-melody....
I'm not generally suspicious, but am a little leery when a guy has two different profile pictures, of obviously different people, one on the yahoo chat site he moved me to right away, and the other on the dating site... so... I came out and asked him if the photos from the chat site were the same as on the dating site... we'll see what his answer is. He sent me a looooooong email, which actually sounds rather like it's someone of Asian descent... interesting since both of the men attached to the profile are white and supposedly all American. I wonder if you can be spammed by some con man on there easily.... will keep my guard up from now on.
I felt rather like a guppy in a shark tank with all the instant messages coming my way. It was a little overwhelming, so I actually had to log off! When you're talking with someone, and someone else sends an IM you get bumped out of the compose window, so I had no clue who I was answering at any given time...
It sure looks like there's a busy time for traffic around 6pm... holy COW... trying to keep up with 7 conversations and remember who the heck you're talking to is a little amazing... I didn't realize there were that many lonely people in the world! While this site doesn't use 29 dimensions of compatibility, maybe it's a good thing... because honestly, on E-melody, physical attractiveness doesn't seem to be one of those. As I mentioned before, I'm not looking for a HAWT supermodel, but I do want someone who is reasonably presentable.
OK - So back to the lonely hearts club... GOD this city is small... there is a very good reason why some people are single. I have the site linked to my phone, so got a message to check my site email.... and guess what?
I'm not shitting you here, I got an email from an old "friend".... Smell your Dirty Underwear Guy... this time he has offered to mow my lawn, do my laundry, vacuum my house and rub my feet in exchange for being dominated.... UGH.... I can't think of anything less alluring to me than a guy who WANTS me to yell at him... I can say I will NEVER want to take the more traditionally male role in a relationship. It creeps me out. UGH! He has a rather Brazilian sounding screen name... when I asked him how he came up with it, he told me he drives a KIA... um... EEEW! If you're gonna drive a Kia, then you have to at least have something masculine about you to rock that....
block, blockty block BLOCK!
Later!
The long and SHORT of it...
E-Melody, you suck!
I have gone in and changed my preferences to indicate I want to limit my matches, and I use that term loosely, to within 50 km of the city. What's with the guys from Montana and Alaska anyway? I just don't think I want to start a relationship off being long distance...
So... the algorythm, lets just call it "AL" for short, screwed up again, and again.... yesterday, they sent me a guy who stands 5 foot 3. YES I understand short people need love too, but there are lots of women who are within two inches of his height. I am 5 foot 7, and wear heels most of the time, so we would look absolutely ridiculous. He could be the kindest man in the world, but if his shoe size is smaller than mine or if he has to call me over to grab things on the high shelf or I have to pick him up to lift him down from the chair at the dining table it just isn't something I could find attractive. I'm sure it wouldn't be any more comfortable for him. I mean he would have to ask me to kneel or pull over a step stool to kiss me or tell me a secret. UGH!
I was also sent a match who lives in some town in NSW... now correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't NSW short for New South Whales... AUSTRALIA?
Basically, "Al" has now screwed up so badly, that I have now joined... hmmm...let's just call it "Lighter.com".... they have an offshoot which does a personality match but uses different questions than E-Melody. They sent me 6 profiles to look at, with the option of saying whether or not they were people I might consider right away. Their "Al" supposedly learns from your choices....
Because I paid for a 3 month subscription on the other site, we'll see whether one is better than the other, because I'm stuck with the first membership until my birthday in June.
My gorgeous girlfriend... "GG" for short...you know the one who joined E-Melody too... came over for a glass of wine and a discussion of the matches she'd received. She had some sage advice about red flags....
She says if a man shows up for a date and he isn't dressed for a date that's a red flag right there. I have to admit, if a guy shows up in ratty jeans and an old sweater that isn't a turn on to me either. When I have a date, even if it's a first meeting at a coffee shop, I at least try to make sure I'm wearing something I feel good in.
Here are a couple tips on profile photos we agreed on over two glasses of Ravenswood Shiraz...mmmm.....
If you took your profile shot yourself, or you downloaded it from a computer camera, that indicates you have no friends! I mean, seriously, have a buddy take a shot of you so you don't look like a shut in... and to the guy they sent me on Sunday... when you take a shot of yourself in your basement making a goofy face with your tongue out, it's even creepier... I mean, I'm sure you thought it would show your fun side, but when you take the shot yourself you just come across looking as though you belong in an asylum.
If the photo is more than three years old, it's time for a new shot. Yes, we all want to remember our glory days, but posting a photo of yourself in that powder blue tux you wore to grad or your sister's wedding in the 80's isn't cool.
Please don't use a photo of yourself you have to cut your ex out of unless you can do it so there isn't random hair beside you or a perfectly manicured hand resting on your shoulder out of context. We all have a past, but you don't need to remind a prospective date before you even meet.
Listen. I do portrait photography.... if you need a new shot done, just email me, and we can arrange to do that for you. Just don't wear that old velour sweater and cargo shorts to have it taken, even if it WAS your get lucky sweater in the 80's.
Later...
I have gone in and changed my preferences to indicate I want to limit my matches, and I use that term loosely, to within 50 km of the city. What's with the guys from Montana and Alaska anyway? I just don't think I want to start a relationship off being long distance...
So... the algorythm, lets just call it "AL" for short, screwed up again, and again.... yesterday, they sent me a guy who stands 5 foot 3. YES I understand short people need love too, but there are lots of women who are within two inches of his height. I am 5 foot 7, and wear heels most of the time, so we would look absolutely ridiculous. He could be the kindest man in the world, but if his shoe size is smaller than mine or if he has to call me over to grab things on the high shelf or I have to pick him up to lift him down from the chair at the dining table it just isn't something I could find attractive. I'm sure it wouldn't be any more comfortable for him. I mean he would have to ask me to kneel or pull over a step stool to kiss me or tell me a secret. UGH!
I was also sent a match who lives in some town in NSW... now correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't NSW short for New South Whales... AUSTRALIA?
Basically, "Al" has now screwed up so badly, that I have now joined... hmmm...let's just call it "Lighter.com".... they have an offshoot which does a personality match but uses different questions than E-Melody. They sent me 6 profiles to look at, with the option of saying whether or not they were people I might consider right away. Their "Al" supposedly learns from your choices....
Because I paid for a 3 month subscription on the other site, we'll see whether one is better than the other, because I'm stuck with the first membership until my birthday in June.
My gorgeous girlfriend... "GG" for short...you know the one who joined E-Melody too... came over for a glass of wine and a discussion of the matches she'd received. She had some sage advice about red flags....
She says if a man shows up for a date and he isn't dressed for a date that's a red flag right there. I have to admit, if a guy shows up in ratty jeans and an old sweater that isn't a turn on to me either. When I have a date, even if it's a first meeting at a coffee shop, I at least try to make sure I'm wearing something I feel good in.
Here are a couple tips on profile photos we agreed on over two glasses of Ravenswood Shiraz...mmmm.....
If you took your profile shot yourself, or you downloaded it from a computer camera, that indicates you have no friends! I mean, seriously, have a buddy take a shot of you so you don't look like a shut in... and to the guy they sent me on Sunday... when you take a shot of yourself in your basement making a goofy face with your tongue out, it's even creepier... I mean, I'm sure you thought it would show your fun side, but when you take the shot yourself you just come across looking as though you belong in an asylum.
If the photo is more than three years old, it's time for a new shot. Yes, we all want to remember our glory days, but posting a photo of yourself in that powder blue tux you wore to grad or your sister's wedding in the 80's isn't cool.
Please don't use a photo of yourself you have to cut your ex out of unless you can do it so there isn't random hair beside you or a perfectly manicured hand resting on your shoulder out of context. We all have a past, but you don't need to remind a prospective date before you even meet.
Listen. I do portrait photography.... if you need a new shot done, just email me, and we can arrange to do that for you. Just don't wear that old velour sweater and cargo shorts to have it taken, even if it WAS your get lucky sweater in the 80's.
Later...
Sunday 24 April 2011
Easter Feast or Famine
I decided to cook Easter dinner on Saturday, because it seemed the best day to give the time I needed to devote to cooking a turkey and trimmings... thing is, I miscalculated. I told my sons about dinner, but currently they're brains are bathing in way too much testosterone. It's so thick in this house it's dripping off the walls most of the time. They're pretty, and funny, thoughtful and kind but they're boys. BECAUSE they're pretty and funny, and have jobs, the rest of their time is devoted to their very full social calendars, and as much as they love me, I am no match for that. So, I made a beautiful turkey dinner, they descended like a hoarde of locusts with an extra friend for good measure, and left mayhem in their wake about half an hour later. They were out of here by about 7 o'clock.....So... I had time to look over my latest crop of "matches", archive and delete all of them. I hope it's not that I'm being too fussy, but I want to be more discerning than I was in the past.
This Easter weekend, the site elected to send me 21 profiles to peruse, one of which is for a man who actually lives in the city, and unfortunately there's nothing in the profile that catches my eye. The remaining profiles are for men who live at least a couple of hours away despite my having said the distance factor is "VERY important" to me.
The handsome prince has behaved as predicted... I am guessing he decided I'm the one with the hunchback. Sorry to say, this isn't a Disney movie where he turns out to be a loveable cad, and I will catch his eye by putting on a pretty dress and glass slippers.... Maybe I should try a glass dress and pretty slippers... THEN I might get attention...but with the body being nearly 50 not 25 it might not be in my best interest...
Candidly, I'm glad there was no response from him. I don't imagine we really would have had all that much in common, and he really needs to back slowly away from the hair color... the highlights are a bit much. I was curious though, to see if he knows my friend, who was an international model. She is without doubt, one of the more grounded people I know despite her very glamorous past. She is a single mom of two boys as well, and I really enjoy spending time with her. I keep hoping the glamour will somehow rub off on me, but so far, no luck...
Back to the long distance angle here....I have no aversion to considering a person who lives far away, except that it would sure make meeting awkward. How do you do that first date? If you decide to meet halfway between, or if you have a guy come here, or you go to him, how do you actually manage that with any grace? What expectations are set if you have to travel somewhere to meet him and condense your time into a weekend or something. I think it would be dangerous to do....Long distance is difficult at the best of times, if most of your communication is in writing... even when you have a good foundation of friendship and love. It changes conversations and allows both parties to misinterpret things that are said. You find you attribute a tone of voice to the other person that may or may not be true, and you let things go that should be discussed because you don't want a misunderstanding to bleed into your limited time... and then you end up with your heart broken, and your vision of the future shattered.
I read a recent post that says you should be telling all your friends you're open to be fixed up on blind dates... since my record CLEARLY shows I'm incapable of picking my own partners, that's a definite possibility. Maybe my friends can see better what it is I need....
I'm not limiting myself to internet fix ups, although it's easier to blame an algorythm than a real person if a date begins and ends horribly....
I find it curious that most of my friends, both male and female seem to have no nice, single, male friends... is it really ME they're trying to protect? When they tell me I deserve someone "SPECIAL" I just hope they don't mean Special like in the Olympics....
This Easter weekend, the site elected to send me 21 profiles to peruse, one of which is for a man who actually lives in the city, and unfortunately there's nothing in the profile that catches my eye. The remaining profiles are for men who live at least a couple of hours away despite my having said the distance factor is "VERY important" to me.
The handsome prince has behaved as predicted... I am guessing he decided I'm the one with the hunchback. Sorry to say, this isn't a Disney movie where he turns out to be a loveable cad, and I will catch his eye by putting on a pretty dress and glass slippers.... Maybe I should try a glass dress and pretty slippers... THEN I might get attention...but with the body being nearly 50 not 25 it might not be in my best interest...
Candidly, I'm glad there was no response from him. I don't imagine we really would have had all that much in common, and he really needs to back slowly away from the hair color... the highlights are a bit much. I was curious though, to see if he knows my friend, who was an international model. She is without doubt, one of the more grounded people I know despite her very glamorous past. She is a single mom of two boys as well, and I really enjoy spending time with her. I keep hoping the glamour will somehow rub off on me, but so far, no luck...
Back to the long distance angle here....I have no aversion to considering a person who lives far away, except that it would sure make meeting awkward. How do you do that first date? If you decide to meet halfway between, or if you have a guy come here, or you go to him, how do you actually manage that with any grace? What expectations are set if you have to travel somewhere to meet him and condense your time into a weekend or something. I think it would be dangerous to do....Long distance is difficult at the best of times, if most of your communication is in writing... even when you have a good foundation of friendship and love. It changes conversations and allows both parties to misinterpret things that are said. You find you attribute a tone of voice to the other person that may or may not be true, and you let things go that should be discussed because you don't want a misunderstanding to bleed into your limited time... and then you end up with your heart broken, and your vision of the future shattered.
I read a recent post that says you should be telling all your friends you're open to be fixed up on blind dates... since my record CLEARLY shows I'm incapable of picking my own partners, that's a definite possibility. Maybe my friends can see better what it is I need....
I'm not limiting myself to internet fix ups, although it's easier to blame an algorythm than a real person if a date begins and ends horribly....
I find it curious that most of my friends, both male and female seem to have no nice, single, male friends... is it really ME they're trying to protect? When they tell me I deserve someone "SPECIAL" I just hope they don't mean Special like in the Olympics....
Friday 22 April 2011
Another day, another 7 profiles...
OMG birds and other small woodland creatures are dancing around my feet... I have entered the realm of the Disney princesses.... one of the 7 profiles I got yesterday is a handsome prince...and I may break into song any second.
He's an ex model who lives in a city 3 hours away from me. He's posted some shots of him with his arms crossed, wearing a dark suit, and they remind me of those photos real estate agents all seem to have on their websites...or a Sears catalogue. One of the two. He also posted a beautiful black and white of him at about 25 or so, which was half a lifetime away, but it's like catnip to women who get matched with him I'm sure.
Thing is, his profile is a little bitter, ok...untrue...a lot bitter but who cares? He's tall and very, very handsome. He has used his profile to publicly blast his ex wife and subsequent girlfriend, but took that post down this morning. So, handsome yes, but charming maybe not...maybe just human...
I have a strict no first contact agreement with myself, but at the urging of my nauseatingly happily married girlfriend, decide that even Cinderella had to leave a glass slipper for the prince to follow, so just out of curiosity I decide to use an "icebreaker". How freaking lame these things are... you choose from a scripted multiple choice list of stupid one liners to hopefully catch the eye of someone.
Seriously...who WRITES this crap?! Whoever it is should be pilloried in the town square. I'm an ADULT not a 15 year old sophomore in high school...
I have received a couple of these lamo one liners and the least it does is gets you to look to see if the sender is reasonably attractive, or if he has a hunchback and rings a bell in a church tower....and so I decide to send the least innane of the ones they have. "I like your smile." It's a true statement, but I expect he's going to look at my "average-girl" photo when he sees it and do exactly what I do when I see a photo of someone I would never get naked with... exclaim "Seriously. Are you SHITTING me...as IF?!.
So, I did this for you, my loyal three followers... as a social experiment...
To be truthful, I'm just trying this out of curiosity. Really. I prefer a guy who doesn't take longer in front of the mirror than I do in the morning. I really, really like to be the pretty one.
The rest of the 7 potential partners I was sent today, live farther away than this guy... again, am I that freakish they can't find someone in this same city? Don't answer that.
Well, I think this calls for a cocktail and a third viewing of Tangled.....
He's an ex model who lives in a city 3 hours away from me. He's posted some shots of him with his arms crossed, wearing a dark suit, and they remind me of those photos real estate agents all seem to have on their websites...or a Sears catalogue. One of the two. He also posted a beautiful black and white of him at about 25 or so, which was half a lifetime away, but it's like catnip to women who get matched with him I'm sure.
Thing is, his profile is a little bitter, ok...untrue...a lot bitter but who cares? He's tall and very, very handsome. He has used his profile to publicly blast his ex wife and subsequent girlfriend, but took that post down this morning. So, handsome yes, but charming maybe not...maybe just human...
I have a strict no first contact agreement with myself, but at the urging of my nauseatingly happily married girlfriend, decide that even Cinderella had to leave a glass slipper for the prince to follow, so just out of curiosity I decide to use an "icebreaker". How freaking lame these things are... you choose from a scripted multiple choice list of stupid one liners to hopefully catch the eye of someone.
Seriously...who WRITES this crap?! Whoever it is should be pilloried in the town square. I'm an ADULT not a 15 year old sophomore in high school...
I have received a couple of these lamo one liners and the least it does is gets you to look to see if the sender is reasonably attractive, or if he has a hunchback and rings a bell in a church tower....and so I decide to send the least innane of the ones they have. "I like your smile." It's a true statement, but I expect he's going to look at my "average-girl" photo when he sees it and do exactly what I do when I see a photo of someone I would never get naked with... exclaim "Seriously. Are you SHITTING me...as IF?!.
So, I did this for you, my loyal three followers... as a social experiment...
To be truthful, I'm just trying this out of curiosity. Really. I prefer a guy who doesn't take longer in front of the mirror than I do in the morning. I really, really like to be the pretty one.
The rest of the 7 potential partners I was sent today, live farther away than this guy... again, am I that freakish they can't find someone in this same city? Don't answer that.
Well, I think this calls for a cocktail and a third viewing of Tangled.....
Thursday 21 April 2011
...and the winner IS....
OK - So today's bevvy of internet dating beauties for me to peruse was 7. That sounds like a good crop of men to scrutinize, right? Well, considering they all live several hours away, and because my last long distance relationship went oh-so-well for me, I'm really thinking that's not a good choice right away....
Is there seriously nobody who could be a potential match for me in this city of over a MILLION people?! Really? I'm not asking for a billionaire or super model, although that would definitely pique my interest.....especially if he were both, and could overlook the fact that I am neither.... but again, I'm getting off topic....
Because I had today off, I agreed to go to a party at a girlfriend's house last night on the total other side of town, with a bunch more girlfriends who make me laugh. It was one of those parties where you go and drink wine and eat and then buy a bunch of crap you don't need because you feel guilty eating and drinking your girlfriend's booze and food.... Fortunately, I had one of those parties a couple of weeks ago, and some of the same girls were there, drinking my cocktails and eating my food.....so I chose NOT to buy a bunch of crap I didn't need, and didn't feel one tinge of guilt about eating or drinking.
I had shared this blog with a couple of them to see if it might be helpful to other people trying to find a partner who isn't looking for a 24 year old with child bearing hips to make him feel like a stud.... They brought up the blog at the party, so I had a gamut of opinions to sift through.... of course getting opinions on internet dating from women who are happily married to their soul mates...interject little hearts and smiley faces here... is something you have to take with a grain of salt... I mean... "You should just go with it and have fun." or " If my husband died tomorrow, I would NEVER date again, and would be soooooo happy to sit around alone all the time in my pj's and vacation by myself. Tra-la-la." Really isn't helpful.... Internet dating is just not fun. You are interviewing candidates to take the job of partner in your firm.... the firm of you... which isn't so firm anymore if you catch my drift.....
There was one woman there who understood, having met her husband after three years of being on a site.... you know, the OTHER one that boasts more marriages per square inch than the one I'm on right now.... she was really sympathetic to my situation. Her advice, was to join the site with the sex section.
So, because I am facing a long weekend, with no date in sight, I thought I would re-visit my very first cherry blowing episode of internet dating in the hopes of giving some small piece of advice.... DO NOT talk to some guy for weeks and weeks over the internet chat sites without at least talking on the phone or skyping or something like that..... Here's why....
When I joined the site with the three sections, "Dating", "Relationship" and "Intimate Encounters", I elected to put a profile in the "Relationship" section. I kinda figure that when you're over 40, and I was barely over 40 at the time, you are really not looking to date, and the "Intimate Encounters" I'm interested in, are with someone who's name I will actually remember in the morning. I also chose not to converse with any of the men who had a profile in that section.
I met a guy on there, who had a very nice profile written up, and had a photo that was actually close enough and in focus so I could see his face.
He was a nice looking man, and had no spelling or grammar errors in his profile....so we began to chat... that first chat was a couple of hours of exchanging information about our lives... We chatted virtually every night for about 6 weeks or so before deciding we should actually meet. I had younger kids at home, so had to arrange to meet when they were with their father for an overnight, and because that was only every other weekend, it wasn't something easily arranged.
When I chatted with him the night before we were to meet, I started to hear him differently. Remember I told you I have that little inner voice that warns me when things are a little weird? Well, I had full on, clanging alarm bells go off the night before we agreed to meet in person, when he told me he enjoyed talking with me because he was sometimes told he is "a little too in touch with his feminine side." OMG! "DANGER, DANGER..."
We decided to meet at a bar downtown....When he showed up, he was so shy he didn't open his mouth at first, and when he did, it was very evident that his feminine side was who he decided to bring to the party... it was absolutely beyond painful to find anything to talk about. That is really something, because I can talk to nearly anyone for a couple of hours and feign interest in any topic rather convincingly... "Oh really? You're into fly tying and dominoes...YAY Which shall we talk about first?!"
Anyway, long story short, he walked me to my car and kissed me. Not a little peck, but a full on tongue invasion. It was basically the only time he opened his mouth all night...and It was, without question, the WORST kiss in the history of human existence.... All dry tongue and icky. His had on the back of my neck so I couldn't escape.
It was worse than kissing my own sister would be if she decided to give me a little action, I swear! Being the person I am, I beat myself up after I got home, thinking... "You are such a BITCH... give the guy a chance." So... because I'm a glutton for punishment, I agreed to go out with him again. UGH! It was just as bad, if not worse the second date.
I decided I had to tell him politely that I would rather stick pins in my eyes than ever kiss him again... ok I didn't say that, but did tell him I just felt there was no chance of any sort of "Intimate encounter" between us. EVER.
About a year later, he found and friended me on Facebook, I accepted the request because I felt guilty.... about a nanosecond later, he sent an IM, saying my life looked fun, and that he was happy I was doing well.... and that he wasn't doing so well, because I had become the one he compared all his dates for the past year against, and he hadn't found anyone he liked as much as me.... ugh... We had seen each other in person TWICE! I didn't have the heart to tell him the reason he couldn't find the right woman, is because he should actually be looking for someone with a penis....
Anyway, the moral of the story, is if you meet someone you think is interesting online, agree to meet in some public place for a coffee or a drink so you can see if there's anything there, instead of corresponding for months like those stupid women who fall in love with guys on death row, but that's for another post....ok - kidding...
Later!
Is there seriously nobody who could be a potential match for me in this city of over a MILLION people?! Really? I'm not asking for a billionaire or super model, although that would definitely pique my interest.....especially if he were both, and could overlook the fact that I am neither.... but again, I'm getting off topic....
Because I had today off, I agreed to go to a party at a girlfriend's house last night on the total other side of town, with a bunch more girlfriends who make me laugh. It was one of those parties where you go and drink wine and eat and then buy a bunch of crap you don't need because you feel guilty eating and drinking your girlfriend's booze and food.... Fortunately, I had one of those parties a couple of weeks ago, and some of the same girls were there, drinking my cocktails and eating my food.....so I chose NOT to buy a bunch of crap I didn't need, and didn't feel one tinge of guilt about eating or drinking.
I had shared this blog with a couple of them to see if it might be helpful to other people trying to find a partner who isn't looking for a 24 year old with child bearing hips to make him feel like a stud.... They brought up the blog at the party, so I had a gamut of opinions to sift through.... of course getting opinions on internet dating from women who are happily married to their soul mates...interject little hearts and smiley faces here... is something you have to take with a grain of salt... I mean... "You should just go with it and have fun." or " If my husband died tomorrow, I would NEVER date again, and would be soooooo happy to sit around alone all the time in my pj's and vacation by myself. Tra-la-la." Really isn't helpful.... Internet dating is just not fun. You are interviewing candidates to take the job of partner in your firm.... the firm of you... which isn't so firm anymore if you catch my drift.....
There was one woman there who understood, having met her husband after three years of being on a site.... you know, the OTHER one that boasts more marriages per square inch than the one I'm on right now.... she was really sympathetic to my situation. Her advice, was to join the site with the sex section.
So, because I am facing a long weekend, with no date in sight, I thought I would re-visit my very first cherry blowing episode of internet dating in the hopes of giving some small piece of advice.... DO NOT talk to some guy for weeks and weeks over the internet chat sites without at least talking on the phone or skyping or something like that..... Here's why....
When I joined the site with the three sections, "Dating", "Relationship" and "Intimate Encounters", I elected to put a profile in the "Relationship" section. I kinda figure that when you're over 40, and I was barely over 40 at the time, you are really not looking to date, and the "Intimate Encounters" I'm interested in, are with someone who's name I will actually remember in the morning. I also chose not to converse with any of the men who had a profile in that section.
I met a guy on there, who had a very nice profile written up, and had a photo that was actually close enough and in focus so I could see his face.
He was a nice looking man, and had no spelling or grammar errors in his profile....so we began to chat... that first chat was a couple of hours of exchanging information about our lives... We chatted virtually every night for about 6 weeks or so before deciding we should actually meet. I had younger kids at home, so had to arrange to meet when they were with their father for an overnight, and because that was only every other weekend, it wasn't something easily arranged.
When I chatted with him the night before we were to meet, I started to hear him differently. Remember I told you I have that little inner voice that warns me when things are a little weird? Well, I had full on, clanging alarm bells go off the night before we agreed to meet in person, when he told me he enjoyed talking with me because he was sometimes told he is "a little too in touch with his feminine side." OMG! "DANGER, DANGER..."
We decided to meet at a bar downtown....When he showed up, he was so shy he didn't open his mouth at first, and when he did, it was very evident that his feminine side was who he decided to bring to the party... it was absolutely beyond painful to find anything to talk about. That is really something, because I can talk to nearly anyone for a couple of hours and feign interest in any topic rather convincingly... "Oh really? You're into fly tying and dominoes...YAY Which shall we talk about first?!"
Anyway, long story short, he walked me to my car and kissed me. Not a little peck, but a full on tongue invasion. It was basically the only time he opened his mouth all night...and It was, without question, the WORST kiss in the history of human existence.... All dry tongue and icky. His had on the back of my neck so I couldn't escape.
It was worse than kissing my own sister would be if she decided to give me a little action, I swear! Being the person I am, I beat myself up after I got home, thinking... "You are such a BITCH... give the guy a chance." So... because I'm a glutton for punishment, I agreed to go out with him again. UGH! It was just as bad, if not worse the second date.
I decided I had to tell him politely that I would rather stick pins in my eyes than ever kiss him again... ok I didn't say that, but did tell him I just felt there was no chance of any sort of "Intimate encounter" between us. EVER.
About a year later, he found and friended me on Facebook, I accepted the request because I felt guilty.... about a nanosecond later, he sent an IM, saying my life looked fun, and that he was happy I was doing well.... and that he wasn't doing so well, because I had become the one he compared all his dates for the past year against, and he hadn't found anyone he liked as much as me.... ugh... We had seen each other in person TWICE! I didn't have the heart to tell him the reason he couldn't find the right woman, is because he should actually be looking for someone with a penis....
Anyway, the moral of the story, is if you meet someone you think is interesting online, agree to meet in some public place for a coffee or a drink so you can see if there's anything there, instead of corresponding for months like those stupid women who fall in love with guys on death row, but that's for another post....ok - kidding...
Later!
Wednesday 20 April 2011
Whew! An internet dating virgin no more.... Ok - A Born Again virgin...
So my date wasn't a complete failure... guy was very nice, and we managed to kill a couple of hours without awkward silences. The fact that he is the best friend of a very good friend of mine probably helped quite a bit... it gives lots to talk about without having to venture into long drawn out dialogues about the weather or how we feel about rice pudding or anything like that.
Getting to the date, however, was a little less than stellar... I suddenly panicked on the walk over when I realized while we had exchanged some witty banter over the internet, and we had exchanged pictures, the fact that his are all from 100 miles away was going to be a problem... each step closer was a little scarier given I was going to walk into a bar looking for a guy I had never met.... my resolve faltered a little when I got just outside the restaurant, and I broke down and called my friend/his friend to ask what he looked like... ok... first mistake. I asked a GUY to describe another GUY. "Well, he's a little taller than me, he has ears, and uh... oh shit! I should have asked where he was sitting."
Thankfully, I had told him I was a redhead and what I was wearing, so when I saw the guy over by the fireplace waving, I hung up the phone and introduced myself. Thankfully, he turned out to be my date and not just some guy waving for the waitress, although that might have been funny.
We had a conversation about the weirdness that is internet dating... We both assessed it's rather like a really intense job interview. You know the kind where they ask you questions to see if you know anything about the company... In this case though, it can be people who really expect you to remember something that stood out in their profile among the sea of BS they put in... like "I'm a glass half-full kind of person, life is great and I enjoy skipping hand in hand through daisies"...
We exchanged some anecdotes about the dates we've had... me a couple of years ago when I tried it and he, more recent stories. I'm happy to say there are women who are a little "off" as well. He told me about a date he had a while ago, where they met for a drink and dinner. Apparently during the course of their dinner she "DROPPED SOMETHING"... and as he's telling me that he's making SUPER BIG air quotes... evidently, she went right under the table and had her hand shoved up the leg of his shorts....Not sure how whatever it was she dropped ended up there......
I didn't ask how that date ended.
While he's a really nice guy, and we had stuff to talk about, there didn't appear to be any chemistry for me. I confess, I was totally hoping for the same sort of experience as they always feature on their TV ads... you know the ones where they interview the happy couple who met on their website, and BAM! they just knew this was the person for them....Maybe you have to pay extra for some premium package that actually gives you 30 or 31 dimensions of compatibility rather than the regular 29.....
So my gorgeous friend decided to join... um... let's just call it "E-Melody" too. She hasn't used it before, and being a shoot from the hip sort of girl, she thinks it's very odd so far.... you don't actually get to do a search and choose the people you like... they feed matches to you. THIS is gonna be interesting... her first comment to me was "Ok. Seriously? How do I delete the guys there is ho hope in HELL I'm gonna meet for a coffee or anything else?" so I told her about the handy dandy "Archive and Close" feature...
Later
Getting to the date, however, was a little less than stellar... I suddenly panicked on the walk over when I realized while we had exchanged some witty banter over the internet, and we had exchanged pictures, the fact that his are all from 100 miles away was going to be a problem... each step closer was a little scarier given I was going to walk into a bar looking for a guy I had never met.... my resolve faltered a little when I got just outside the restaurant, and I broke down and called my friend/his friend to ask what he looked like... ok... first mistake. I asked a GUY to describe another GUY. "Well, he's a little taller than me, he has ears, and uh... oh shit! I should have asked where he was sitting."
Thankfully, I had told him I was a redhead and what I was wearing, so when I saw the guy over by the fireplace waving, I hung up the phone and introduced myself. Thankfully, he turned out to be my date and not just some guy waving for the waitress, although that might have been funny.
We had a conversation about the weirdness that is internet dating... We both assessed it's rather like a really intense job interview. You know the kind where they ask you questions to see if you know anything about the company... In this case though, it can be people who really expect you to remember something that stood out in their profile among the sea of BS they put in... like "I'm a glass half-full kind of person, life is great and I enjoy skipping hand in hand through daisies"...
We exchanged some anecdotes about the dates we've had... me a couple of years ago when I tried it and he, more recent stories. I'm happy to say there are women who are a little "off" as well. He told me about a date he had a while ago, where they met for a drink and dinner. Apparently during the course of their dinner she "DROPPED SOMETHING"... and as he's telling me that he's making SUPER BIG air quotes... evidently, she went right under the table and had her hand shoved up the leg of his shorts....Not sure how whatever it was she dropped ended up there......
I didn't ask how that date ended.
While he's a really nice guy, and we had stuff to talk about, there didn't appear to be any chemistry for me. I confess, I was totally hoping for the same sort of experience as they always feature on their TV ads... you know the ones where they interview the happy couple who met on their website, and BAM! they just knew this was the person for them....Maybe you have to pay extra for some premium package that actually gives you 30 or 31 dimensions of compatibility rather than the regular 29.....
So my gorgeous friend decided to join... um... let's just call it "E-Melody" too. She hasn't used it before, and being a shoot from the hip sort of girl, she thinks it's very odd so far.... you don't actually get to do a search and choose the people you like... they feed matches to you. THIS is gonna be interesting... her first comment to me was "Ok. Seriously? How do I delete the guys there is ho hope in HELL I'm gonna meet for a coffee or anything else?" so I told her about the handy dandy "Archive and Close" feature...
Later
Tuesday 19 April 2011
Day 1.... oh boy....
Day 1 isn't QUITE accurate, because I actually have had a couple of very brief forays into the whole internet dating thing...
For anyone who hasn't actually gone on a dating site, let me tell you, it's a very quick education into the human condition. There are a few sites out there to choose from.... in many ways you get what you pay for... so the free site, while entertaining, isn't where I want to spend any large amount of time... I took a 4 year break from the whole dating site thing, and when I reactivated my profile on there, I had contact with some of the same people who had approached me before. If I wasn't interested then, there is nothing that's changed to make me more desperate now....Maybe after the big 5-0, but for now, at least, I'm still in my 40's.
When I first decided to take the therapist up on her challeng for me to "get out there", I thought since I really knew I wasn't ready I had to start somewhere that didn't involve a financial committment. Against my better judgement, I decided to reopen the "free" profile, in an attempt to start to hone my small talk skills back to a level where I can interject some witty repartie when discussing the weather. I wasn't online more than about a minute when I got a "ping" from a guy around 37. I figured my cutoff should be somewhere around there, but that's right at the edge of my 10 years younger limit. My upper limit is much stricter.
I guess that's a product of not feeling my age... I'm one of those people who thinks I look younger than I probably do until I catch a glimpse of myself in a shop window or something and have that startle reflex when I realize that old broad is me... but the fact remains, because I was married for 13 years, and then dated two younger men afterward, the oldest man I have ever dated is right now 47 years old, and he has 8 years on the next oldest. Sooooo my upper limit is 54, unless you look like, I don't know, some hot movie star that's over 54 but still has sex appeal....
Anyhow, back to my story... 37 year old "ping" guy is pretty good looking, and seems to be quite articulate at first. He tells me he's been divorced a couple of years, and is now ready to "get out there" and has "let go" of his resentment about the end of his marriage. I tell him it's always a good thing to let go of resentments, and getting out there is probably a good thing for him.... then he proceeds to tell me the resentment he has is because he and his wife had "shared EVERYTHING"... ok... for those of you who have never had a conversation on a dating site, let me tell you, my alarm started to sound in the back of my head, quietly at first... "Danger, Danger!"... He goes on to tell me that she had been very "adventurous" at the start of their marriage, but that she had changed. "DANGER"...I am a pretty direct person when my Bullshit-o-meter starts to go off, so I say, "Translate for me here... are you telling me that she was sexually adventurous at first, and you did a bit of experimenting with other people together, but at the end of your marriage she wanted to limit herself and you to a monogamous relationship?" His answer was "Yes. She decided to leave me when I came home from my job at the post office with two GUYS to play with us." All I could manage was "WOW!"...as my math challenged mind is trying to think of how many ways 3 goes in to 1....
And that leads me to my small bit of advice to anyone trying that site... learn to use the super useful block feature. It really comes in handy.
By the way, any of the stories I use here are absolutely true I swear. Ok, well mostly anyway. I am trying not to use names here to protect the innocent, the not so innocent and the warped alike.... Oh ya. And me.
The site I chose to use this time, is that one that says they use not quite 30 dimensions of compatibility to hook you up with people you might be attracted to...
Um... well, they do ASK you how important it is that your mate be somewhat physically attractive, and they tell you not to judge on looks, which I truly try to do, but sometimes, there is just absolutely no way you could ever learn to get past that.... I mean, when you see a really poor picture of some guy sitting at his computer screen in a filthy undershirt, YOU have to consider this is what THEY considered to be the BEST photo they could find. It's what they chose to use as bait to catch your interest.....and truly, how dark CAN you make a room?!
I actually agreed to meet someone today. I have no clue what he actually looks like, because his photos look as though they were taken from 3 miles away. My photos are close ups, and are recent. I will admit, I avoided those that show off my wrinkles or jowls, choosing instead the ones with the most flattering lighting, but they are me, and are NOT from when I was 30. I'm hoping we'll have a pleasant conversation... but if things stall, at least we'll be in a bar, and I can just order another glass of wine... after all, if my relationship with men doesn't work out, I plan to start a new one with food.... I never met a carb I didn't like, and red wine and carbs just go so well together.....
More later....
For anyone who hasn't actually gone on a dating site, let me tell you, it's a very quick education into the human condition. There are a few sites out there to choose from.... in many ways you get what you pay for... so the free site, while entertaining, isn't where I want to spend any large amount of time... I took a 4 year break from the whole dating site thing, and when I reactivated my profile on there, I had contact with some of the same people who had approached me before. If I wasn't interested then, there is nothing that's changed to make me more desperate now....Maybe after the big 5-0, but for now, at least, I'm still in my 40's.
When I first decided to take the therapist up on her challeng for me to "get out there", I thought since I really knew I wasn't ready I had to start somewhere that didn't involve a financial committment. Against my better judgement, I decided to reopen the "free" profile, in an attempt to start to hone my small talk skills back to a level where I can interject some witty repartie when discussing the weather. I wasn't online more than about a minute when I got a "ping" from a guy around 37. I figured my cutoff should be somewhere around there, but that's right at the edge of my 10 years younger limit. My upper limit is much stricter.
I guess that's a product of not feeling my age... I'm one of those people who thinks I look younger than I probably do until I catch a glimpse of myself in a shop window or something and have that startle reflex when I realize that old broad is me... but the fact remains, because I was married for 13 years, and then dated two younger men afterward, the oldest man I have ever dated is right now 47 years old, and he has 8 years on the next oldest. Sooooo my upper limit is 54, unless you look like, I don't know, some hot movie star that's over 54 but still has sex appeal....
Anyhow, back to my story... 37 year old "ping" guy is pretty good looking, and seems to be quite articulate at first. He tells me he's been divorced a couple of years, and is now ready to "get out there" and has "let go" of his resentment about the end of his marriage. I tell him it's always a good thing to let go of resentments, and getting out there is probably a good thing for him.... then he proceeds to tell me the resentment he has is because he and his wife had "shared EVERYTHING"... ok... for those of you who have never had a conversation on a dating site, let me tell you, my alarm started to sound in the back of my head, quietly at first... "Danger, Danger!"... He goes on to tell me that she had been very "adventurous" at the start of their marriage, but that she had changed. "DANGER"...I am a pretty direct person when my Bullshit-o-meter starts to go off, so I say, "Translate for me here... are you telling me that she was sexually adventurous at first, and you did a bit of experimenting with other people together, but at the end of your marriage she wanted to limit herself and you to a monogamous relationship?" His answer was "Yes. She decided to leave me when I came home from my job at the post office with two GUYS to play with us." All I could manage was "WOW!"...as my math challenged mind is trying to think of how many ways 3 goes in to 1....
And that leads me to my small bit of advice to anyone trying that site... learn to use the super useful block feature. It really comes in handy.
By the way, any of the stories I use here are absolutely true I swear. Ok, well mostly anyway. I am trying not to use names here to protect the innocent, the not so innocent and the warped alike.... Oh ya. And me.
The site I chose to use this time, is that one that says they use not quite 30 dimensions of compatibility to hook you up with people you might be attracted to...
Um... well, they do ASK you how important it is that your mate be somewhat physically attractive, and they tell you not to judge on looks, which I truly try to do, but sometimes, there is just absolutely no way you could ever learn to get past that.... I mean, when you see a really poor picture of some guy sitting at his computer screen in a filthy undershirt, YOU have to consider this is what THEY considered to be the BEST photo they could find. It's what they chose to use as bait to catch your interest.....and truly, how dark CAN you make a room?!
I actually agreed to meet someone today. I have no clue what he actually looks like, because his photos look as though they were taken from 3 miles away. My photos are close ups, and are recent. I will admit, I avoided those that show off my wrinkles or jowls, choosing instead the ones with the most flattering lighting, but they are me, and are NOT from when I was 30. I'm hoping we'll have a pleasant conversation... but if things stall, at least we'll be in a bar, and I can just order another glass of wine... after all, if my relationship with men doesn't work out, I plan to start a new one with food.... I never met a carb I didn't like, and red wine and carbs just go so well together.....
More later....
Monday 18 April 2011
62merlot-redwhine innaugural blog... a little background for ya....
K - So here we are at my innaugural blog. I am NOT holding a glass of wine right now, but may have to grab one before the end of this initial post....
Here's your background. I'm turning 49 in just a couple of months. Oh yay! I'm a menopausal single mom with all the things that come with middle age... saggy neck skin, cellulite, a muffin top, scars...and kids... who love to remind me about the saggy neck skin, cellulite and muffin top. Oh good lord.... NOW I need that glass....
I'm living in a city away from the rest of my family except my kids. I hold a full time job where I have to at least pretend I have my shit together. I have been divorced a very long time, but have had two relationships since. I was with an alcoholic who was 9 years younger for 7 years, and then took a couple of years off to get therapy for being such an idiot for staying with an alcoholic for 7 years. I needed to "find myself" and figure out exactly what it was I wanted in a partner... I even made a list a la "The Secret"...and then I got exactly what I'd asked the universe for.
I fell madly in love with this guy....Stupid me, though, didn't do a complete list. I didn't realize when I was looking for a middle aged man, along with the usual crap about him having a sense of humor, to be caring and happy and secure and not a complete douche bag... Blah.. Blah.. Blah... I would have to add that he needed to have a past that included some sort of committment and a realistic view of HIS age not just mine....
"He" was transferred to a gorgeous foreign locale shortly after we began our relationship.... A total hardship for him being in a beautiful place with teriffic, world famous beaches and girls wearing not much more than dental floss. I'm sure there will be more on that later...so we tried a very long distance affair which after almost three years backfired on me.
He is an IT guy, so I will use a Star Trek reference here. You see, he's a Vulcan and I'm a Betazoid. Think Counselor Troi meets Mr. Spock.
For any of you who missed the translation there, while he has a tremendously good heart, he barely admits he has feelings, let alone articulate them, although he did very well at the beginning. My downfall is I feel way more than any normal human being should.....I needed far more than his bullet point emails could give me. We really got along well in person, but I feel things and he thinks things through.
I was unaware we were having problems, until my wonderful father died Christmas day after a year long battle with cancer, and "He" chose to jettison me like bad baggage just two weeks and two days after. He had all sorts of logical reasons why he chose to do it then, but OUCH.
I know there's no good time to be dumped, but the timing was the kind of thing you reserve for someone you want to hate you....The icing on the cake? Not only did he dump me, but he actually said the words "I have to consider if I want to start a family someday." Out loud. He is 47 years old. I was already in the fetal position on the floor before that little gut kick. I mean for a woman, being over 45 is punshment enough with the night sweats, back fat and wrinkles... she really doesn't need to be reminded she's all dried up.
I think men don't realize what that feels like, but they'd be every bit as offended if they were told at work they were "wonderful" but they were being laid off because management was looking for someone younger and more dynamic when they were 48 and had many good years ahead of them, right? Well it is what it is, and he's gone.
My choices for a future aren't seeming all that appealing at the moment....
I am absolutely terrified of the prospect of letting down my guard again, disclosing personal information and hoping the guy doesn't cut and run immediately... and the thought of having to get naked for the first time with a man is really scary. I keep my weight down, I exercise, I look ok in clothes, but naked is so... well...EXPOSED. I used to have a kick ass body back in the day before kids and surgeries, but I am almost 50!
How does a woman my age navigate the world of the newly single? Internet dating is it's own special Hell.... It makes you feel like a total loser most of the time, but it's a means to an end. How else do you meet someone? I've tried taking courses, blind dates and not turning down any social engagement, no matter how lame..... The alternative though, is to start buying the 100 cats right now. You know, the ones who will eat me when I die alone, and they don't discover my body right away because nobody checked on me for a month....
I want to make sure you and I both understand, I'm not in a hurry. I'm not looking for someone perfect, our baggage just needs to be manageable enough that it fits in one trunk, and we ALL have baggage, whether we're divorced, married or have stayed single... I am not a supermodel, and I don't expect one... however, I do at least attempt to look good, do some maintenance, and I wear make-up daily so I don't scare small children... At least not from a distance...I hope whoever I get matched with is the same kind of person....well, except for the make-up part.
I've decided to follow my therapist's advice and join a dating site. I have avoided the really bad ones.. you know, the one that's free, and the other one that has a whole section for people looking for super kinky sex... While those two sites would supply endless anecdotes for this blog, I am just not sure I can stand wading through the freaks.... Although, to the guy who offered to clean my house in exchange for sniffing my used underwear, I will keep you in mind if my cleaning lady doesn't work out.... as long as I can stay as far away as will be stipulated in our no contact order....
I figure that at least if I blog about my experiences, every lousy date won't be a complete waste of time, but could rather be "research"... Not sure I'm ready for this, but let's give it a shot!
later!
Here's your background. I'm turning 49 in just a couple of months. Oh yay! I'm a menopausal single mom with all the things that come with middle age... saggy neck skin, cellulite, a muffin top, scars...and kids... who love to remind me about the saggy neck skin, cellulite and muffin top. Oh good lord.... NOW I need that glass....
I'm living in a city away from the rest of my family except my kids. I hold a full time job where I have to at least pretend I have my shit together. I have been divorced a very long time, but have had two relationships since. I was with an alcoholic who was 9 years younger for 7 years, and then took a couple of years off to get therapy for being such an idiot for staying with an alcoholic for 7 years. I needed to "find myself" and figure out exactly what it was I wanted in a partner... I even made a list a la "The Secret"...and then I got exactly what I'd asked the universe for.
I fell madly in love with this guy....Stupid me, though, didn't do a complete list. I didn't realize when I was looking for a middle aged man, along with the usual crap about him having a sense of humor, to be caring and happy and secure and not a complete douche bag... Blah.. Blah.. Blah... I would have to add that he needed to have a past that included some sort of committment and a realistic view of HIS age not just mine....
"He" was transferred to a gorgeous foreign locale shortly after we began our relationship.... A total hardship for him being in a beautiful place with teriffic, world famous beaches and girls wearing not much more than dental floss. I'm sure there will be more on that later...so we tried a very long distance affair which after almost three years backfired on me.
He is an IT guy, so I will use a Star Trek reference here. You see, he's a Vulcan and I'm a Betazoid. Think Counselor Troi meets Mr. Spock.
For any of you who missed the translation there, while he has a tremendously good heart, he barely admits he has feelings, let alone articulate them, although he did very well at the beginning. My downfall is I feel way more than any normal human being should.....I needed far more than his bullet point emails could give me. We really got along well in person, but I feel things and he thinks things through.
I was unaware we were having problems, until my wonderful father died Christmas day after a year long battle with cancer, and "He" chose to jettison me like bad baggage just two weeks and two days after. He had all sorts of logical reasons why he chose to do it then, but OUCH.
I know there's no good time to be dumped, but the timing was the kind of thing you reserve for someone you want to hate you....The icing on the cake? Not only did he dump me, but he actually said the words "I have to consider if I want to start a family someday." Out loud. He is 47 years old. I was already in the fetal position on the floor before that little gut kick. I mean for a woman, being over 45 is punshment enough with the night sweats, back fat and wrinkles... she really doesn't need to be reminded she's all dried up.
I think men don't realize what that feels like, but they'd be every bit as offended if they were told at work they were "wonderful" but they were being laid off because management was looking for someone younger and more dynamic when they were 48 and had many good years ahead of them, right? Well it is what it is, and he's gone.
My choices for a future aren't seeming all that appealing at the moment....
I am absolutely terrified of the prospect of letting down my guard again, disclosing personal information and hoping the guy doesn't cut and run immediately... and the thought of having to get naked for the first time with a man is really scary. I keep my weight down, I exercise, I look ok in clothes, but naked is so... well...EXPOSED. I used to have a kick ass body back in the day before kids and surgeries, but I am almost 50!
How does a woman my age navigate the world of the newly single? Internet dating is it's own special Hell.... It makes you feel like a total loser most of the time, but it's a means to an end. How else do you meet someone? I've tried taking courses, blind dates and not turning down any social engagement, no matter how lame..... The alternative though, is to start buying the 100 cats right now. You know, the ones who will eat me when I die alone, and they don't discover my body right away because nobody checked on me for a month....
I want to make sure you and I both understand, I'm not in a hurry. I'm not looking for someone perfect, our baggage just needs to be manageable enough that it fits in one trunk, and we ALL have baggage, whether we're divorced, married or have stayed single... I am not a supermodel, and I don't expect one... however, I do at least attempt to look good, do some maintenance, and I wear make-up daily so I don't scare small children... At least not from a distance...I hope whoever I get matched with is the same kind of person....well, except for the make-up part.
I've decided to follow my therapist's advice and join a dating site. I have avoided the really bad ones.. you know, the one that's free, and the other one that has a whole section for people looking for super kinky sex... While those two sites would supply endless anecdotes for this blog, I am just not sure I can stand wading through the freaks.... Although, to the guy who offered to clean my house in exchange for sniffing my used underwear, I will keep you in mind if my cleaning lady doesn't work out.... as long as I can stay as far away as will be stipulated in our no contact order....
I figure that at least if I blog about my experiences, every lousy date won't be a complete waste of time, but could rather be "research"... Not sure I'm ready for this, but let's give it a shot!
later!
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