Deja VOODOO.....

Ok - so we've discussed the fact that I signed up for three, count 'em three dating sites... Anyone who knows me, know's my motto is "If it's worth doing it's worth OVER doing!"

The only one I've had any luck with is that one "with more dates, relationships and marriages than hair follicles on a cat...." as opposed to the one with the "almost 30 dimensions of compatibility that is just a hair short of actually realizing what it is you want".....

I bought a 3 month membership to the one that's sort of a combination of the two... it's the bastardized version of the E-melody site calling itself some horrifying subject I took in highschool.... one of the sciences, you know the one with all the chemicals.... hmmm... let's call it Biology.com just for safety's sake.  Anyhow, I got a "He Noticed You!" notification from there this morning..... and that was just another little reminder of what a freaking waste of money the site is....

We've determined that at least on the good site, I met someone I can definitely see having a relationship with, and am hoping it leads to a removal of both our profiles... mine is already sort of defunct because I only bought the one month version, but "Cute New Guy" bought a longer term sentence I think, so who knows when or if that will happen....  meeting him came at the end of many games of "Douche, douche, loser" with my kids...

Something I wish the dating sites would recognize is that many of their members are on multiple sites... and develop a fully functional BLOCK feature that spans all contact across disciplines.  Ever.  The reason, is the guy who sent the "He noticed you" email to me this morning, has contacted me multiple times on multiple sites, even though I sent one of their "Polite, I'm not interested" notes... I haven't received one of these notes, so I'm thinking they must be terribly ambiguous, or the guy is challenged, or just very determined. 

He looks like he's lived a VERY hard life for a man of 49....eeeeeew!  Again, he sent a charming photo he took of himself sitting at his computer, with a second even creepier photo that shows he has no teeth in... That isn't funny or engaging, it's just a little disturbing to be honest...

With this particular guy I tried the polite note first...then ignoring the subsequent notes...and so he's moved to the  tactic of multiple dating site contacts now, and I'm feeling a little violated....

I'm not sure how you diplomatically state disinterest, but how 'bout starting with the following choices:

• "Thank you for your note but there's NO chance of any sort of bodily fluid exchange. EVER.  Yes, really."
• "I appreciate your interest, but.....OMFG are you KIDDING ME?!"
• "Thanks for the note!  Please F*CK OFF!...Have a nice day...Smileyface...." 

This isn't the only guy who has thought repeated attempts at communication might be the way to go...the more determined ones seem to think perhaps the recipient hasn't replied to them because they didn't NOTICE the "Wink" or Email they sent... Um... trust me, they noticed, and chose not to respond for a reason.... Thank GOD we all have different tastes...

This, of course leads to today's etiquette lesson... send ONE wink OR email, but don't do both unless you get some sort of positive response back to the first one.... continuing pursuit otherwise is a little like molestation by email... Oh GOD... I feel so dirty!

Later.....

Now I know why you're not supposed to dip your pen in company ink.....

So made it home from Houston in one piece... the weather at home is not half as nice as it was in Houston, so I kinda wish I'd stayed an extra day even though I didn't get to see the people I wanted to see aside from my very happily married friends.... GAG!...I just threw up a little in my mouth just then...Oh well....

The course I took was on project management, so I can't say it was a whole lotta laughs, but it was pretty interesting for the most part.  Problem was, at the beginning of the class, we had to tell everyone what part of the business we worked in... so, as soon as I mention the office I work out of, the guy beside me says... "Oh - I know a guy from there... do you know him?"  Of course it's my ex... SERIOUSLY?  Out of 16 thousand employees he has to know HIM??

"Yup - I know him... intimately." was on my tongue, but I just said... "Yes, we used to date."... to which buddy replies "Oh!  Well the BOY is gonna settle down SOMETIME." in that cute twangy little Texan drawl...JUST what a jettisoned ex wants to hear....

I would have much prefered hearing he was nuts for letting a gem like me go and that he'll live to regret it....but alas, it wasn't to be.  I'm guessing the BOY isn't gonna ever settle down.  At the age of 47 if he's still looking for a first live in love, he won't find anyone soon. 

He was the topic of conversation a few times over the course of the week... I pasted a smile on, and said truthfully, I'm grateful for having known him, and I truly am.  He is a wonderful man.

After the course ended, I headed to our main office on the way out to the airport, to meet the team I work with remotely.  The team lead was a little late for our meeting, so I was in the hallway waiting for her and notice on the walls of her cubicle, she has big, blown up photos of my ex... he is on the same corporate team as me, working in that gorgeous foreign locale  I talked about earlier, you know, the place with world famous beaches and some of the most beautiful women in the world just dying to land a rich ex-pat?  He acted as tour guide for all the US employees who went down to visit, and these photos were from there.  A cruel reminder that his life is all shiny and exciting....While mine consists of parenting two boys...As fun as that sounds, it's NOT all glamor, let me assure you...

I have to admit, with my recent interest in Cute New Guy neither of the situations I've just described really hurt though... I will always be grateful to have met my ex... he taught me a lot, and made me realize what I deserve in a partner, and I'm hoping that lesson never leaves. 

Speaking of C.N.G, he called me last night from his business meeting in Phoenix.  He called while I was in Houston too, so I was a little taken aback by the attention.  I haven't had someone pursue me like that since my 30's...Sure feels good... but I digress....

We were chatting about his sister who hasn't dated in years... he was telling her about internet dating, which is something she hasn't tried... they got into a whole conversation about the whole "catalogue mentality" I've been mentioning... the fact that you can go in and basically select your partner based on the qualities you want.... I happen to have an attraction to dark hair and blue eyes... and that's what cute new guy has... he was asking his sister what she found attractive, based on height, body type and hair and eye color, and she was AMAZED when he was able to pull up a list of men that fit her criteria... He told her "See?  It's just like shopping!"  Which is good AND bad....

It almost feels like there's an endless supply of people out there who can be catagorized according to their attributes... and if one gets tiresome, you just go get a new one.  The problem here is that women tend to be nesters, and men tend to be hunters....

I find there are a lot of risk takers out there too... Again I'm getting endless communications from men in their freaking 60's.... ugh!  I'm glad they're so secure, but I just can't see myself with a 60 year old guy!  That is, until I'm approaching 60 myself... and if I'm single then, I will NOT be interested in the 80 year old who still considers himself to be virile....unless, of course, he has no children, an oxygen tank and dimentia, to go along with his millions of dollars...

Later...

Time flies when you're having fun.....

...and when you're not.... Good-freaking-GOD it goes slowly....

I'm in a course in Houston all week, and because I'm the only person who flew in from out of town, I am left to myself all evening.  Picked up a book my cute new guy recommended, but haven't started to read it yet... maybe tonight....

We have now gone out on 3 official dates, and I had him over for a visit in the afternoon last weekend.  My problem isn't that I don't like him, it's that I have no idea what the etiquette is for this internet dating thing.  I have had several emails from men during the time I've been hanging out with this guy, a couple I might even have met for that dreaded "business meeting".... I am starting to feel something for this guy though, and have realized I need to GIVE MY HEAD A SHAKE....  He is very attentive, generally calls every day, has done a few really cute little things for me, but is still active on the site.... Again, I'm not stalking him, I just can see in my connections when he's been online. 

I went on yesterday  because I always feel as though it's rude not to at least answer the guys who have taken the time to write me... ok... well... for the CUTE guys who have written anyway....I'm still being approached by men who are in their very late 50's and early to mid 60's... I'm still like "EEEEEEEEEEEW"...  The last one, was 69 years old, and his preamble was that I shouldn't worry about his age, because he thinks he doesn't LOOK 69....He does.  

Anyhow, when those show up, I don't always answer,  because the last time I did, I tried the whole...

"Um - thanks for your note, but you're like 69 years old.... and I think we're just in different places in life.  Ya, that's it... different PLACES... " 

To which this creepy guy writes me back  "Give me your address, and then we'll be in the same place."  Just to add to the creep factor, he adds "lol!!" AND he's now dressed up as a clown in his profile picture.... Reminded me of John Wayne Gacy...

Did I mention I'm terrified of clowns?  I am.  It's a real thing... there's even a name for the fear of clowns, but I'm so creeped out talking about this that I can't remember what the word is.

So today's issue is that I'm not sure what the whole deal is with this.  I found a guy I quite like, and with whom I'd like to try a relationship.  He acts as though he likes me, but we both still have profiles up.  We've seen each other 4 times, so we're past that usual 3 date rule, and I have to say, if I had decided to get "friendly" with him, in the real world I would want us not to be seeing other people.... so... what's the etiquette around this? 

My thoughts are, I'm not getting busy until I feel comfortable that it's worth it, and that my "partner" isn't getting busy with other women....

Getting naked is just not something I do lightly, and the older I get, the less likely I am to be comfortable dropping trou with someone who may be looking for an upgrade.  We're back to that whole catalogue mentality again... I have a whole bunch of stuff to say about that, but I've got a dinner date with a happily married Houston friend.... UGH!  Seriously, I love them, but it's a little sickening all that love and crap...I'm sure she'll have some advice for me....
Later....

Holy COW the stuff you learn at the hair dresser's place....

I went to college and have done night school, but to be honest, the education I get at my hairdresser's place is much more useful in the real world... I mean, she has a never ending supply of  trashy magazines to fill my weird penchant for celebrity gossip... I'm sure you won't be surprised to hear those are the sorts of facts that stay in my brain, while anything actually practical or useful just falls out the back of my head as quickly as it enters.....

Anyhow, my hairdresser-slash-good friend has a salon in her home, so she generally has two clients going at the time.... As I'm sitting there looking especially glamorous with red dye all over my head, a woman who I've been scheduled with a few times walks in... When you're sitting there waiting on the color to set, it's a real bonding process... I mean, you're kinda seeing each other at your most vulnerable... tin foil all over your head and the smell of amonia in the air....I think some sort of Vulcan mind meld occurs as a result of the metal amonia mix...The last time we were there at the same time, she was telling me about the new guy she'd met online... She seemed to be really happy, so I asked her how it was going with him....

I almost had my jaw hit the floor when she proceeds to tell me that he had scammed her for big cash... the guy actually lives in town... he told her he was a Brazilian who had come here several years ago, and was working as an undercover cop... He had the whole cop lingo thing down, and was very convincing I guess... anyhow, she had been seeing him for about 5 weeks, when he suddenly tells her his sister is back in Brazil, and has been kidnapped.  He is trying to come up with the money to ransom her, so he asks to borrow 16 grand... and she gave it to him, trusting that he is who he says he is....

Have you ever heard the "Big Lie Theory"?  The premise is, the larger the lie, the easier it is to believe... well, this was a freaking WHOPPER, so I guess it's a case in point.

She has since done some digging and found out he isn't Brazilian, but rather is from the Middle East, and he isn't single, he is married with 4 kids, is about 15 years older than he told her he was, and he is skilled at conning.... He is so convincing with his bullshit, that he actually conned a female police officer in a much bigger city of over 25 grand using the same story!  Then she goes on to tell me that he also conned one of her Facebook friends... he convinced this guy that he was a car salesman, and if the friend paid cash for a specific car, he'd knock 6 grand off the price.... so buddy handed over the money, only to go pick the car up the next day and find out he's been conned too.... Why is this guy not in JAIL??

There I smugly sat thinking I'm WAY too smart for that... then I realized not so much.  I actually allowed the alcoholic I dated for 7 years to move in with me, and I footed the bill for that whole time... so who's the dummy here?

She was telling me how it seems weird to her now, that he showed up on her doorstep with a kid he said was his "nephew"... and she was never invited to his house... I know you should be cautious about letting people know where you live at first, but after 5 weeks you should be comfortable enough to know where each other lives, right?  This reminds me of an interesting anecdote....Even when you do exchange that information it's no guarantee things are going to be "normal"....

So - About a month after I signed up for internet dating the first time... 5 years or so ago now, I guess, I start chatting with a very attractive guy.  He's an engineer, has a house in a very nice area of town, is a dad of 3 kids he has half the time.  He's easy to talk to, so as I've told you before, we go through the process of deciding to meet for coffee... he says, "How about we meet for a coffee after work one afternoon.... I work at the corner of X avenue and Y street..."  So I say "Which building are you in?"  "Why?" he says.... "Because I work on the corner of X avenue and Y street too."  So, as you might be guessing now, we find out we work for different companies in the same building....

We meet for coffee and things go very well, so we decide we're going to meet for dinner a couple of weeks later.  We have a great date, so decide to get together again... he invites me to his house for a nice dinner and glass of wine out in his back yard, and I reciprocate a week or so later.  During this visit to my place, he says he knows a guy at my company and asks if I know him... it turns out I work closely with one of his neighbors.... anyhoo... he starts to freak out a bit because of the "closeness" of it all... and tells me he's been thinking about the ramifications of things if we were to split up after starting a relationship... and he tells me he just can't take the risk....

I tell him that's fine, but that he doesn't have to worry... I won't become a stalker... so... in the next year or so, I think I run into him about 3 times in the elevator.  The last time I see him we actually chat... Next thing I know, I get an email, with an attachment... he says some innocuous thing in the email, about how he's sorry he freaked out but he didn't want to risk his PROFESSIONAL IMAGE... Oh the irony of THAT statement....but he now realizes I wasn't a risk to him... This is where things get really weird...

When I open the attachment, it's a couple of pictures of him in his office, with his pants undone... He's strategically cut the photo off just above his junk, but I now know he's a real blonde...and there's no question what he's doing with his hand.... so I send a note back to say that I'm fine with the way things turned out.  I know him a LOT BETTER than I did before.... and that I hope he had his door shut while he was...um...getting busy....

I end up telling my best friend, who works with me... she, of course, wants to see the pictures.... so being the evil witch I am, I share with her... next day she calls..."You're never going to BELIEVE who I rode up the elevator with!... Holy SHIT!  It was all I could do not to look to see if his fly is closed!"  Funniest part is, I could have printed that photo and posted it in the lobby at work if I was the sort of person he was so worried about...Here the guy is with three kids old enough to be using a computer... wonder what else is on his "Hard Drive"... He's sending compromising pictures out in an email and he's worried about ME?

Talking to my girlfriend later, I tell her I'm having a hard time making eye contact with "Naked Picture Guy"'s friend, wondering what sort of block parties they have..... I guess you just never know who you're meeting...

Later...

Bending the 3 date Rule....

So things have changed a bit at home for me... ok - remember how I told you I left the vet's office with a year old cat to bring home, and that I was going to stop by the Humane Society to potentially get another?  Well, I did... I now have two male cats...one is a year old, and the other is a year and a half... interesting to watch them figure out which of them is the dominant one... kinda reminds me of my sons.  One is a little older, but smaller, the other is bigger, and slower to attack... they walk around the house like petite lions...very wary of one another...and then one will POUNCE... this results in bloodcurdling screams and fur flying like a scene from Edward Scissorhands... Clumps of hair flying everywhere and they're literally going for the juggular...

I have since invested in a water bottle, so when they start that I spray them until they break it up.... I feel like a terrible mother, but the fur flying is slowly becoming less savage, ok, that's a complete load of crap, I get a perverse joy out of spraying them when they're acting like assholes.... I'm really hoping they'll eventually grow to like one another, but that remains to be seen....  This last couple of weeks has shown me that I'm going to have to find another career choice for my future... "Crazy Cat Lady" just might not pan out for me, because I'm finding the daily scooping of litter and moderating their disagreements is not as fun as it sounded in the brochure....  There goes my dream...

Last night I basically vegged, sort of absorbing the last couple of weeks... talked to a girlfriend about the fact that E-melody isn't working out for her... she went in with a very open mind, and decided to meet several of the guys they sent her.  These are very smart men in the book sense... one was a lawyer, one a dentist, but she is finding that ellusive "Spark" to be the dimension E-melody's phyche profile is missing... ugh!  Why isn't there a way to quantify that? 

It's not all based on looks either...We got into a discussion about the fact that physical attraction is a part of the package for sure... You don't go LOOKING for a guy with a third eye in the middle of his forehead for example, and despite all the assertions that "it's the INSIDE that counts", that's only true to a point.  While my "Dream Guy" has always been dark hair and blue eyes, the coloring my dad had, I've felt attraction over the years to  tall men, short men, dark haired men, blondes, one red head, skinny guys, husky guys... chemistry can happen with someone way outside what your "preferences" are.  I know things generally work out best when you come from similar backgrounds, but sometimes the person you do best with fills in your deficits as it were....  you need that common ground, but you also need to be strong where they're weak and vice versa... 

Bottom line here, if you have nothing in common and the guy or girl is HAWT you'll probably relax some of the "Must haves"... that doesn't seem to work as well conversely though... If the person you meet for that first coffee is totally your cup of tea ....except for that symbiotic twin growing out of the side of his head, it's gonna take a little longer to get over, and as I said before, for me if the connection isn't there in 17 seconds it isn't there ever....

Maybe we all have a skewed vision of our own attractiveness... I know my friends say I'm "attractive", at least I THINK that's what they said... it could have been "special" but I can't remember for sure... Before now I never had a hard time getting dates, but I have to keep in mind I've only had 3 relationships in the last 23 years,  one for 10 years, one for 7 and one for 3. 

Most men my age are looking for someone who belongs on the cover of Maxim magazine...No matter what THEY look like, and while I look pretty good in clothes, we've discussed my shortcomings before.  I completely acknowledge I have some attributes that are less than flawless, but there isn't much I can do...

Most of my male friends have told me not to worry about it, because once a guy has you naked he doesn't care anymore that you aren't perfect... is that simply because men will nail ANYTHING, or because they really see the woman they're with as beautiful... that is the question....

I suppose if you've taken time to get to that point, and the guy likes hanging out with you for the company and your sparkling wit then he may very well gloss over the flaws, like applying a "Doris Day Filter" to you... remember how they used to always have that misty filter over her face in the movies?  Someone could make BILLIONS if they could give women over 40 that look all the time.... 

Anyhow, I have decided the fact that I don't subscribe to the 3 date rule could actually work in my favor... guess we'll see....

Later....

Was it something I said?....

Had an interesting talk with my new friend about his experiences with internet dating.  I always find it comforting to hear the common issues between men and women, and the stories that kind of point out the differences in the sexes....

He was telling me about the strangest encounter he's had to date... He was chatting with a woman online and things appeared to be going well, so they spoke over the phone... things went smoothly there, so they moved on to step 3, the dreaded meet and greet... They arranged to meet at a coffee place so he showed up on time, as is his habit.  She was late, so he decided after sitting there for about 15 minutes, to order himself a capuccino.   Just as he was taking his first sip, she walked in the door and came over to the table.  After the introductions are made, he asks what she'd like to have...at which point she burst into tears and tells him "I shouldn't be here!!", and literally runs out the door....  So there he is, sitting in a cafe with an audience of 15 other people... 

He seems to be pretty comfortable in his own skin, so I'm sure he handled it better than I would have, but all I could say was "Wow..."  I mean, I understand the internet is a fantastic place for people who have been out of the dating game to start getting their skills of innane bullshit conversation back... you know, the horrifyingly vanilla conversation you have when you are trying to get to know someone? 

"OMG!!  You like chocolate AND puppies?!... I can't believe we have so much in COMMON... I love them TOO!!!".... "What about flowers and rainbows?!?!"...

...but REALLY folks, if you're not ready to actually leave the house and interact with someone why agree to go....

A couple of years ago, during my first foray into this surreal world of the internet, I "met" a guy online who seemed great during the online chat portion of the dance, so I agreed to meet him... he steered the conversation so that I ended up having to drive all the way across town to meet him at a coffee shop near HIS house...which should have been a clue as to the kind of guy I was meeting.  The second he walked in, I could feel a totally negative vibe coming off him... and he explodes, immediately, into a scathing diatribe about how his ex wife completely burned him, took off with all the cash, and blindsided him by leaving, and poisoning his kid against him, but he got her back and now the son lives with him... at the age of 26... He took a breath at this point to ask me what I did for a living, and when I told him, he announced that I probably made way more than he did, AND I was cashing in on Child Support no doubt.... then back to HIS ex wife...she was the spawn of Satan, and he isn't sure he'll EVER trust another woman... 

He seriously went on for about 30 minutes of explatives and increasing volume as he spewed this vitriol toward the woman who bore him a child... I'm almost positive he sprouted horns and had red irises at this point, but I couldn't be sure, because I was doing everything I could not to make eye contact.. I was afraid if I did he'd go for my throat.... We had an audience of about 15 people as well, and my subconcious was telling me they were listening in...Yeesh.... 

I'm doing that whole "Oh - Wow... look at the time.... I have to .... um.... shave my cat... ya, that's it... sorry, gotta run..."

The best part?  When we left the shop, and I'm almost flat out SPRINTING to my car he says "so... are we going to see each other again?"... I said "I have to be honest... I don't think so."... thank GOD I was at the car, so could get in and lock the doors... I mean, seriously, he HAD to know I was sitting there trying to become invisible.  What did he expect? 

"Oh, YES I can't WAIT to see you again... just the mere CHANCE to be the next woman to be cherished by a manly man like you is more than enough incentive for me, what are you doing tomorrow?" 

I was half way convinced he was going to throw himself on the hood of my car or launch a boulder through the windshield....

So... today's musing?  I'm seriously thinking, if you have that little gut feel that perhaps you aren't ready to let go of your past, it might be a clue not to inflict your sorry ass on a new person.... I'm all about "getting out there", and sometimes you still have feelings for someone from your past, good or bad, but when you realize it's time to let go and move on, THAT'S when you should get out there and see where you go from here... Do the world at large a favor, and wait until you can at least PRETEND to be happy in public....

I notice E-melody has sent me another perfect match... haha... if he stands over 5 foot 4 and speaks English it'll be an improvement over the last few... At first they're sending you about 20 matches a day but the number dwindles as they run out of supply, so they start sending you "ideal matches" from further and further away, until you don't hear from them at all... then they start sending you notifications that "Sometimes love takes time..." and "Stick with it you loser shut in, you'll find someone eventually..." to entice you to pay their monthly fee.... I think if I counted on E-melody you'd find my mummified remains covered in spider webs sitting at the monitor waiting for them to find me a match with more in common with me than the fact that we stand upright and have opposable thumbs.... That is assuming, of course, the cats haven't eaten me first.



Later... 

Huh! Who knew??

I've told you before, "dating" over the internet is rather surreal.  That first meeting isn't an actual date in my opinion, but rather a business meeting to see if there's a snowball's chance in Hell for an actual date to happen....

For me, as for many people I'm guessing, there is an instant spark that has to occur before I can even consider moving further along...  I mean, I have to be able to see myself potentially kissing this person without reacting like the poor cat in the Pepe Lepieu cartoons....

My guess is the decision on whether there is that potential happens within about the first 1.7 seconds or so... sad but true... so probably worth that one last check to ensure you don't have pit stains or grease on your tie... or for the women, lipstick on your teeth and your bra straps showing before you leave the house....

Clearly, there is that potential you're viewing yourself much like the contestants on the first few episodes of each season of American Idol... You know, the people who THINK they can sing until they receive that stinging criticism telling them they'd be better off dreaming of being a chicken plucker.... We all want to believe we're attractive, and that we'll find someone similar to spend our time with....

This last "meeting" I went on, I was nervous, and ended up missing the turn into the location we agreed upon, so was about 5 minutes late.  I called to let him know I didn't have a clue how to get access because you can't turn in there off the main drag, so I blew past the place and had to do a big loop to get back there...

He directed me in over the phone, and I could tell we were actually going to be able to talk without that halting conversation that seems to be the norm, because we were joking around on the phone... Him: "... Ok so continue down that road you're on... do you see a big white truck, and the homeless guy with the big blue bag?"  Me:  "Ok - yes, I can see the truck...... so, is the guy with the blue bag you?!"... Him:  No, but he's my brother, and we look a lot alike...I'm inside, just turn left when you come in the door...."

When I actually got in the pub, and he stood up to meet me, I was pleasantly surprised to see that along with the wit and confidence was a guy even more attractive than his picture, and no blue bag in sight.  THAT is a pleasant surprise, because let me tell you, when you walk in and 1.7 seconds later are wishing you'd arranged to have your entire body waxed instead of having to sit there for the requisite hour, and you're constantly checking your phone HOPING your house is on fire so you can leave, it's not pleasant.  When the meeting is clearly not going to lead to any sort of second encounter, it's painful, because how do you end things without your inside voice coming out?.... You actually say out loud "It was nice meeting you, thanks." ........but your inside voice is screaming "Thank fucking GOD that's over.... there's 2 hours of my life I can never get back...."

If the guy is interested and you're clearly not, and he leans in for a kiss and you take that giant step back because he's invading your invisible comfort zone with a look of sheer terror on your face it can make him feel like a knob... Thankfully, I have only been on the receiving end of the step in,  never caused that reaction, at least that's how my "American Idol view" sees it....I have had one date that ended with the guy giving me a hug and  telling me how he really wanted to see me again but he never followed through on a call.   

The other thing to consider even after a successful first meeting,  is, you're likely not going to close your profile until you're fairly certain things are going to go beyond a third or fourth actual date, so how awkward to have met, and then to find each other online on the dating site right away... which is what happened after this last meet and greet.  (Before going on, I want to qualify, we actually met last night for a real, actual date where the invasion of my personal space for a kiss was welcome, and we are planning to see one another again tonight... anyhoo, back to the story....)

I had gone online to re-read his profile, to better understand what his hobbies might be, and to go over his hopes for a partner to see if I really fit the bill, or if the chemistry was clouding my judgement.... YES, REALLY!

When you look at someone's profile, you can see if they're online, and he was... I had that small tinge of disappointment, before thinking to myself that I was online as well, so had no right to question his being there.  Well OK - I admit I hold them to a different standard... whatever I DO is ok though.

I had to admit, I did check in on the "winks" and emails I had been sent, though mostly to do the whole "douche...douche... loser" thing my kids do, although my words are slightly different....ok, not they aren't, who am I kidding?  I know guys are looking through the "matches" they're sent and doing the same to me....

I'm digressing again.... Oh look - A BIRD!.....

Bottom line, here, we decided, after spending 3 and a half hours chatting at the "meeting", to go on an actual date, which was fun, and are going out again.  Beyond that, I have no expectations... I hope we will go beyond the next couple and continue to have fun together, but if not, this has been a pleasant surprise....

Later....

Another weekend, another Interview...

Another weekend, another Interview...

Friday afternoon, and here we go again... I got a pretty cool note from a guy on one of the sites... we have agreed to go on a "date" tonight... so the nerves have started already because I again have to walk into a bar and find said guy based on a single picture he has posted online.... He appears to be attractive from the photo, and his profile blurb is very appealing to me.  In our brief foray into the dating world of emails, he is amusing and appears sensitive, and he's divorced with two teenagers, so can relate to my life in a way a bachelor, or man with young kids never could....

My kids are finding this whole internet dating thing enormously entertaining and have given their $.02 about every guy who approaches me using that catalogue mentality... you know what I mean....They flip through the pictures and instantly have an opinion.... "Douche, douche, loser, OMG look at THIS freak, douche, douche, loser..."

Thank GOD it isn't just me who wonders about the guys on there who post pictures of themselves in full on motorcycle gear complete with dew rags, or who are still wearing handle bar moustaches and mullets... I mean, seriously, I just could never see myself kissing a guy you need to have a lawn mower in your back pocket to access his lips.... and while I loved mullets and spandex pants in the 80's I have to say I'd be a little embarassed to be seen with a guy who's still sportin' that look no matter how great he is.... which leads me to today's dillema...

What do you wear to one of these date/interviews?  I mean clearly it feels like a pure business transaction, but I'm thinking if you came in looking like you do for the typical job interview that's not gonna be a big turn on... conversely, walking in with a boustier and tight jeans probably isn't a great plan either....   I don't want to bring too much attention to my ass-ets but you do want him to know there is one under there.. after all, if the interview goes well, there's a chance you could end up naked together at some point down the road, right?!  I have a few friends who subscribe to the 3 date rule, but I am NOT one of them.  I have to be a little more secure in the relationship than having spent three hours with someone before tearing his clothes off no matter HOW hot he is... ok... George Cluny might get a pass on that rule, but I may never know....

The other big question I have, is who pays?  I will, of course, offer to pay for whatever I have during our date, but is that proper?  Should I be worried if he doesn't offer to pay?  I got myself in trouble in my last relationship because I ALWAYS offered to pay my share, and I think that was a bit emasculating to my partner, because he made 3 times as much as I did... eventually he grew to expect me to pay half, which kinda takes away from the nurturing aspect of things...

I'm sure hoping we can find enough to talk about to fill a couple of hours... he called this morning, and he's got a nice voice, so that's a better sign than I've had in a while... if he's as good looking as he seems to be in that photo... if I squint and tilt my head... then maybe this won't be as uncomfortable as some of these dates are... Like when you meet a guy and he looks nothing like the picture, or when he's clearly 10 - 15 years older than the photo he has posted... or when he's said he's "athletic and toned" and you see him and wonder if he's considering Beer Pong to be a sport...yes, men do that too....

Oh GOOD GOD... I just noticed today's date... Friday the 13?  SERIOUSLY?!

Since the future of my love life is so tenuous, just to be on the safe side, I'm stopping at the Humane Society on the way home, and picking up another cat... ...Just 97 more to go....

Seriously.

Later....

Blogger Problems....

The last couple of posts are out of order, as Blogger had some technical difficulties.... Sorry 'bout that....

...and if you believe this, I have some land for sale...

So it's been a week today since I had to put my beautiful cat down... but being the suck I am, as I was walking out of the vet's I saw they had a cat from the Humane society looking for a home. When I walked over to look at him he flirted with me,  so I had to bring him to our house... this leads to a revelation about me... I am a collector of strays....

You know, I'm THAT girl...yes, I realize "girl" is a misnomer, but this is MY blog... 

Whenever there were baby birds who needed nursing back to health, or a stray cat, or stray kids who needed a place to stay for months on end, it was my house they came to, and there were a few who took advantage of that....and a few who took advantage of me.

That would explain a lot about why I am single at almost 49, right?  I find someone who is damaged, but can see some sort of redeeming feature in them, and will give it that old college try, and will overlook pretty obvious red flags in the interest of giving someone a second chance.  That's why I thought perhaps internet dating would be better for me, because I could discard "wrong" people before becoming invested...but I got sucked in...

Remember super-duper attractive guy I suspected might be too good to be true?  Well, he was.  I did a little digging around because a few things weren't adding up.  Like why someone SUPER-DEE-DUPER attractive would be interested in me in the first place?  His profile reads like a single mother's wet dream... he didn't care about distance or weight, and was very broad with the age range he would look for... he is a widower just looking to have a woman accept his kids as he would accept hers... blah, blah, blah... oh.  And did I mention he was a professional man, well travelled and romantic?  

He initiates a chat with me on the website, but quickly moves to another chat page.  Yahoo.com... which is good because once you have a chat going on the dating site, there are more and more people IM-ing you, and it's hard to keep the conversations straight, so I sign up for Yahoo messenger so we can talk without interruption.  We find out we have a lot in common.  He is half Hungarian, and while I'm not, my last boyfriend and his whole family are 100% Hungarian.  He works in my industry, and supposedly has the same degree as my late father.... He, too, grew up overseas, and he has two kids he's brought up by himself....

He tells me he is the president of an offshore drilling company, but doesn't tell me the name... so when he disappears off the face of the earth after I inform him an email very similar to his comes up attached to a Nigerian Dating Scam web site my ex-reporter spidey senses kick in, and I feel compelled to do some Googling... He shows up as the CEO of a drilling company alright... with a page identical to the one for that company that had the big disaster in the Gulf... you know the one, except the pages further in are disabled, and he is the contact for hiring, firing, media, problems with the website, you name it, even though they're supposed to have upwards of 10 thousand employees... he also told me he lives in Buffalo New York, which doesn't seem to be a hotbed of offshore drilling to me.  I'm sad, because he seemed like a very nice guy when we were chatting, but I guess if you're gonna be a con man, you'd better be charming.  He didn't want to chat via webcam, and that is another red flag....

Just so you know I'm not paranoid, I want to tell you about this little thing called the Nigerian 914 Dating Scam.  An attractive person who presents to be exactly what you're looking for pretends to be someone they're not... they do a "trip to Nigeria on business" then they tell you they've had their credit cards stolen and need you to wire them some money to get out of the country, and they provide you with their bank statements to prove they can pay you back, or they send you a money order.... so... if you're an idiot or just a soft hearted person, you send them money, and they dissappear... My therapist tells me she had a very successful bank president fall for the scam despite being given several warnings.  No WONDER we have trouble with the economy.

When I told a friend about the whole "This guy doesn't add up" caper, HE assumed the worst the guy was up to was wanting to have a fling on his wife when he was in town here... haha....

"Super" has gone all out to look legit... he even has a Facebook page with the same schpeil as his dating profile, and different photos... this is sad to me, because the guy who really is the fellow in the photos, probably has no idea he's been hacked... I would like to meet THAT GUY because he looks like a happy man.

I decide to do what the dating scam sites tell you to do, and copy and paste a little of his profile into a search engine... yep, there it is... same exact wording is on another dating site, Called Asian Kisses with another guy's photo attached, but the same name...

Anyhow, I think I have been approached by several of these guys... I find it AMAZING that at least 40% of the men who approach me on this site are supposed "widowers".  God... I still like the site better than Emelody, because I can at least PRETEND there are attractive, successful men out there who just might be interested in someone over the age of 25....

Later...

Two for the "WTF are you thinking?" File...

So remember when I told you how wary I am when someone with a really Western sounding name, and a profile picture of a guy who looks like he is more American than apple pie, writes a profile that reads like the instructions for some electronics you just bought at Best Buy? Got another of those yesterday.... I have copied and pasted...here's how it reads....

"hello
How are you doing today my good friend, please i don't know how you can understand this but i have an interest to you know better and express my feelings to you maybe we can have something in common, i am seeking for a love from a woman that i will share my love and life together and i see you to be that woman, please i do not mean to write more here on the site but if you feel there could be any need for us to give a try and have sometime to express our feeling with each other, please do me a favor write back to me. maybe you can find it easy to contact me with my address;meaninforlovingu@*****.com, i am giving out my addres to you with trust and believe that you will write back to me as soon as you recieve my letter. i seek for only from you. "

Woo-HOO!  I think I've hit the jackpot....

Was telling my brother about this, and he reminded me of his landlord, who is from Hong Kong originally.  When he moved here, he elected to take the name Clarence.... which, when he introduced himself to me he pronounced "Crarence".  My brother suggests maybe it's a European guy who took a less ethnic name... I guess it's possible, but why not say that? 

I thought that was going to be the strangest contact I was to have today, but that didn't even come close... I was sent a "wink" from someone with a female profile and photos attached... the name is Lipstik##. 

I'm thinking... "WTF?!, I'm SURE I specified I was looking for a man to date"  The email attached reads as follows, and again, I quote......

"Jack needs love

  My name is Jack Daniel,a male divorcee for over 4years now, I am is 46 years of age,i was born 9th of june,1965.  I'm in need of a sincere relationship and in all fairness a loving companion and have believe i see this in you;but would love to know you better and can be reached via my private mail:jackie****@***.com so you and i can relate more. 

Never mind about my profile picture. Its a picture of my sister.Awaiting a positive response soonest.

Regards,
Jack Daniel"

Bet that's his real name too, right? I'm sure his profession and his income posted on the site are every bit as valid.

I had to go back to check the photos to see if I could find a 5:00 shadow.....If anyone wants the email addy, I'm happy to pass it along, because I just don't think he's my type..... a little too curvy for me!

Later....

Another Stay of Execution

Well, today I tried very hard to get my  poor sweet cat in for lethal injection, but they just can't "fit him in"... who knew a vet would be too busy?  So, as I sit for one more evening with my poor boy, I'm grateful for the time, and grateful, too, that he seems to be having a little rally... He is still walking although he looks as though he's drunk when he does.  Thank GOD they say he's not in pain.  I just love him to bits....

So - today I was chatting with a friend who's having better luck on E-melody than I am... she seems to be getting far more matches than me, so I might just have to go in to that personality profiler and change things up a bit... that's it, right?  Skew the damn statistics so someone can find me more palatable... I don't get it.  I'm one of the more people oriented "types" ... on the other site they call me a "negotiator".  Wouldn't you think someone easy to get along with would be easy to find a match for?  Apparently not, because along with all my easy going traits comes disorganization and a horrible need to please, which apparently works on men like salt peter....

My friend is more the desireable type I guess, she is thoughtful, but she isn't about to say "How high" When someone tells her to jump... I am the kind who asks that, and, where I should land so as not to inconvenience them when I do....

My friend, let's just call her "C" had sort of fallen for a guy she met on one of those dating sites we talked about earlier... you know, the FREE one, before she joined E-melody.... She had gone on a very successful date with him...

This guy was handsome, articulate, funny and warm... but his name was something you would attribute to some short, fat, nerdy guy with coke bottle glasses... not at all what you'd expect.  She was smitten, except for the fact that, in her words, she "couldn't picture screaming out ******* in the middle of sex."... 

He was very attentive, and when it was time for the date to end he told her how "you just KNOW it's a good date when it lasts 4 hours"...I guess a 4 hour date is a good thing unlike the 4 hour warning on those erectile dysfunction ads... but I digress....

Anyway, keep in mind, "C" is absolutely stunning, petite, smart, funny, successful and just a blast to hang out with. 
  So, *******, let's just call him Dick-head, didn't bother to call her afterward because he'd hinted he wanted to get laid after the 4 hour conversation, and she had acted with some self respect, deflecting him with a joke....

The problem is, I got um... MATCH-ed with him on the website I'm on, get it, MATCH-ed... he didn't bother to change his screen name between the two sites.  On the one I'm on, he says he's looking for ONE woman to spend his life skipping hand in hand with... interesting read this profile...I'm just waiting to see if he actually contacts me, because that could be interesting!  I have to say, I can't see myself screaming his name either....

"C" had another odd thing happen a couple of months back... her best friend got hooked up with a guy on that same FREE site... they were chatting, and he asked her out.  She sounded very excited about the date, until she started describing the fellow to "C", who recognized it was her ex-husband...God this city of a million people sure has a small dating pool....

Anyhow, I have decided my internet dating friends should have a list where they can put down their list of toxic dates and ex husbands so that at least I'd have fair warning if I go out with one of their cast offs...


Well, I am one of those fortunate people who has "just one more day" with the guy I love most, so I intend to spend some quality time with him...

Later...

Rough weekend... facing reality sometimes isn't fun.

So I have come to the realization, the longest relationship I've had with a male who I didn't give birth to, or who isn't my brother, and who didn't sire me, has been ...with a cat.  Says a lot about me doesn't it? 

I fully admit the one common denominator in all my many screw ups, is... well.... ME, but still, many of my very screwed up friends...  sorry kids, but you are a rather motley crew, have found love that lasts, so why not me?!  Well, I guess I have in a way, and no, not in a sick porno way, but in a chaste sweet way....

My cat is the sweetest boy, and I have to say my world has been shaken because this weekend he became ill.  I have had him for 17 years, and can say that we have loved each other unconditionally for every day of those years... he is a sweetheart, and when my kids were being difficult, my boy was the best part of many of my days... he's been through my divorce with me, The unfortunate bathtub incident when my then 4 year old decided to use my 8 week old kitten as a bathtub toy, and it's only sheer luck that I rescued him when he was going down for the third time....He survived the teenage years with my kids, several moves, our adoption of a Great Dane and two other cats,  and the start, middle and end of my two subsequent relationships, and has done so with grace....

Anyhow, this weekend he had a great time visiting with me and several friends Friday night when I had a group of us over to cook freezer meals... we try to get together every couple of months to make 8 - 10 meals so when we're rushed we don't have to eat fast food.  Saturday I noticed he wasn't eating, and by Monday, things weren't good.... I took him in to the vet, had some blood work done, and $500 later, was handed a urine sample bottle filled with about a half cup of plastic litter...  Yes, 1/2 cup...I had to clean out his litter box, put the plastic litter in, have him pee, dump the pee in the cup along with whatever plastic litter came along with it, and take it back.  Well, "for better or for worse" I guess means you have to do things like that...

Anyway, the news isn't good, he has fatal kidney failure.  I was to take him in today to put him down, but when I got home, he seemed perkier, and even ate a little food without throwing up.  I just couldn't take him today when he's looking at me with love in his eyes, so he's been given a stay of execution for the night.  We'll reassess in the morning.  I just can't see taking him in when he's doing a little better... I know it's likely selfish of me, but the vet says he isn't in pain, and she doesn't think I'm being cruel.  She says she'd wait for a day when he isn't doing well if it was her too....

I know I'm supposed to be blogging about dating, and today I actually didn't do a date, date, but went with a friend to meet a single male friend of hers with her, for lunch.  She invited another guy along who is a married friend... it was fun to have conversation without the whole computer dating component.  Takes a lot of the "job interview" feel away.  Both of the guys were very nice, and of course I enjoy my girlfriend's company, so it was refreshing.  More "real" as it were....Not that the topic of weather didn't come up... it was raining as we left the restaurant, and my friend says "We need the rain, it's been so dry."  Poor thing... the rest of us jumped all over her since we just had a huge dump of spring snow about two weeks ago....Single-friend-guy actually used the word "sublimation" in a sentence relating to the snow and how the ground stays dry  It means converting a solid directly to gas... I'm thinking It's the perfect word for guys to use if you're discussing a night of too many beers and hot wings....

Married guy says to me... "It's not often you hear the word sublimation used in normal conversation".  He's right, but I certainly plan to throw it in to any casual conversations I have this afternoon...

So back to the surreal world of internet dating....Since gorgeous New York guy has now completely disappeared, I am going to conclude he isn't a real person.  I suspect he is a scammer, and he didn't like the idea of his being Googled....Sad, because he is just what I'd have been looking for.  What I may do though, is get my gorgeous friend to send a wink to see if he responds to her... 

That leads to today's way too obvious advice.... Guys and girls, if you are putting a profile on line, and you do give someone your real name, you might as well count on the fact you're gonna get Googled.... let's face it... if I'm going to meet you for a drink, and potentially date you, I want to know you aren't wanted in 3 states for armed robery or worse, murder, rape or child molesting.... You would advise your daughter to Google some guy she was going to go out with, wouldn't you? 

There are warnings plastered all over all the dating sites about acting in a responsible and safe way, because of all the scams out there... it's a perfect place for a con man... How can you be sure the photos are really the person you're conversing with?  I mean someone can tell you they're a hugely sucessful business person making 6 figures, and direct you to a company website with someone of the same name, and how would you know it's really who you're talking to?  At least Googling gives you a teeny chance the person is on the up and up....and so why would you expect any woman isn't going to do so? 

I would certainly expect any man who was going to date me to check my credentials...especially if he had children.  Of course with me, you'd find me on a photography website or two, and you'd find my totally locked down Facebook page, and one letter to the editor and that's about it.... nothing tawdry, I'm afraid, and that's what I'd want to find when checking out a guy.... don't hate me, I'm just not stupid, and I've been burned enough that I don't trust everyone anymore.... And if you see some sordid story about someone with my same name doing something unsavory... it wasn't me!

Later...

Guarantee?!

Did you know you can actually buy a membership to these sites that offer you a guarantee of finding a relationship?  I want to read the fine print on that little contract....maybe they have staff members who "date" the undatable pool of people at the end, or they offer free lobotomies or beer goggles so the crop of dates you're sent are more palatable... or perhaps they're counting on the fact that the lonlier you get the further down your standards go.

I have had a few interesting responses, and from the area here, so it's not a total loss like E-melody has been so far... I am planning to have a coffee with a guy who seems to have some similar interests to me...and has a great smile if his photos are any indication.  Personally, I'm not expecting lightning bolts at my age, but having someone amusing to chat with over a drink is always a welcome diversion. 

E-melody makes you go through the lamest process... they send you matches, who may or may not be someone you might want to actually meet.  Then one of you contacts the other with a list of multiple choice questions.  Thank God you can actually put in your own answers, because the ones they have are so stupid...

Then you send a list of "must haves and can't stands"... I mean, really?!  Isn't the fact that someone I might be interested in dating MUST HAVE a job?  Do you really have to ask?

Well, again, I could think of a few more realistic things  than they have... Any guy who's looking at dating me MUST HAVE a pulse, and a functional brain.  I CAN'T STAND yellow toenails,  or a guy that says "Pull my finger" on a first date, but neither of those is on there... that last one would be a deal breaker for me.

So,  back to the Beer Goggles...Maybe they could send a set to the guy who REALLY belongs to the photos attached to a profile I think is fake...this guy was gorgeous, and very interested in me, even though my photos are actual true representations of what I look like...

Ok - what I look like on a good hair and make-up day from a flattering angle, but still....


Later....