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Sunday, 12 June 2011

A little Blast from the Past....

So I just realized I have referred to a guy here, but it seems I didn't give you the whole story...

Let me introduce you to one of my favorite freak shows..."Smell Your Dirty Underwear Guy"... I gave you a little of his history, but here's how we "met"...This guy is JUST creepy enough to deserve a second mention, in case any women reading this are graced with his charming advances...


The first time I tried the whole internet dating thing I would go online and actually chat with people on the site when my boys had been safely tucked in.  As I've mentioned before, I was 40, which would make my babies 10 and 12 at the time....

I hadn't been single for a long time, and it's tough to get the banter down at first.... I felt like I needed a little ego boost, so found it kinda interesting to get attention from some of the guys on the dating sites, although I found out pretty quick the attention could be super weird.... My first inkling there were freaks out there even in my city, was when I logged on to....let's call it "Magma-Life" for the very first time.  You know the one with the "Dating", "Relationship" and "I'm a Circus Freak so Let's Get it On" sections....

So I create an account in the Relationship section, and am trying to figure out how to block the circus freaks, and what the heck you're supposed to do as far as writing a little blurb to describe yourself, and how to add photos when I get my very first chat request.... 

Guy:  "Hi there.  You look tired." 

Me:  "Wow.  That's funny since I don't have a photo posted yet..."

Guy:  "I can just tell... did you have a rough week?"

Me:   "Well, I did as a matter of fact, and you telling me I look TIRED doesn't make the weekend forecast any better..."

Guy:  "I could just TELL you had a rough one, do you need a foot rub and your vacuuming done?"

Me:  "Um... wow... never had anyone lead with THAT..."

Guy:  " Are you a "Type A" woman?"

Me:  "What do you mean?  My Blood type?

Guy:  "No, are you ASSERTIVE?

Me:  What, like a "Type A Personality", Gotcha...Um, no, not at all...Why?"

Guy:  "Oh.  Because I really like an ASSERTIVE woman."

Me (inside voice): danger, danger......
Me (outside voice) "What do you mean by that...Exactly?"

Guy:  "Do you need your house cleaned?"

Me: (inside voice) WTF just happened?!...Did I miss something here? This is too freaking weird... DANGER...
Me: (outside voice) "Well, I'm a single mom of two boys with a full time job... so... what do YOU think...?"

Guy: "Well, I could come over and clean your house and you could TELL me how to do it RIGHT..."

Me: (inside voice) Wait.  What?  Well, clearly now I KNOW your a f*cking whack job... who the hell LIKES cleaning?!  You gotta be a special kind of stupid for that..... 
Me: (outside voice) "OK - I'll bite... What's the deal here?"

Guy:  "I will come and vacuum, do laundry and dust for you....I like to be dominated... all you have to do is be assertive... Oh...and let me smell your dirty underwear..."

Me: (inside voice) Wow, the house IS a mess, and I'm pretty sure I have some underwear that needs washing... Do I have to actually be home?
Me: (outside voice).... "Holy SHIT, I'm like completely speechless here...you're a bit of a nut job... is this little schpeil working for you?...like do you get a lot of women who accept this offer?...actually, I don't want to know....So...... BLOCK, Blockty-Block".....

I have to admit, about three weeks ago my cleaning lady had to drop the people in my area of town, and I have tried to get two others in here to clean the place as well as she did, and have had no luck, so I was tempted to re-join and unblock him, but....

Today's lesson?  Talking to the creeps for a few minutes can be amusing and a bit of a social experiment, but even if you have a whole walk in closet full of dirty clothes, DON'T FALL FOR THIS.... I'm guessing this whack job is gonna use too much starch or add reds in with your whites or something, just to piss you off.....


Later....

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