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Thursday, 30 June 2011

Cancer BLOWS!...

Because I told you a little about my friend who is battling cancer, I want to share what yesterday was like...

My beautiful friend "G" had her surgery yesterday.  She has been battling this horrible disease for a while now, with Chemo and other measures, and she has managed to keep a smile on her face, and a joke at the ready.  She knew she would be in surgery for most of the day.... Along with her wonderful husband and kids, she's had two of her sisters with her, and her roommate from boarding school who is as much a "sister" as the other two.

Our weird little boarding school world is amazing... Miss G's sisters decided everyone should wear blue today, and send a photo in to Facebook to show our support.... We are in all sorts of different time zones so it's been cool to see the photos pouring in from all over the place from all sorts of people..  I think there were over 100 photos posted at last count, and more and more are coming in all day long.

Yesterday a whole pack of us spent the day lurking on Facebook looking for the updates on how the surgery went, and I'm DELIGHTED to say she came through this 6 hour ordeal with flying colors... the surgeon updated her sisters to tell them the cancer appears not to have spread, and things look good... So, she woke up without her constant companion, fear, since she found out about the cancer months and months ago...

I am looking forward to many years of friendship with my fabulous "G"...

While this doesn't tie into the usual sentiment of this blog, and there isn't much funny about cancer or tumors or operations, I can't tell you how happy it makes me to hear that news... I do have a short anecdote to share.... and again, this has nothing to do with dating or romantic relationships... except to my mother.... I've mentioned before I lost my dad Christmas Day to that horrible disease.  Here's just a taste of who he was.

My dad had a fantastic laugh... when something struck him as funny, he would slap his knee in glee, which would get everyone around him laughing because his sense of humor was infectious.

The guy was a ton of fun to have at a party and he was just a social animal... he was a class act though, and treated people the way he would like to be treated himself, so his humor was never mean.  He ALWAYS treated my mother with respect, and was the sort of handsome prince one reads about in fairy tales.  I know it's easy to remember the good things when someone passes away, but we ALWAYS thought of our father that way.... I'm sure my dad is going to make many showings in future posts, but this is the story of his battle....

When my dad found out he was terminally ill with the cancer that took him from us, I booked a flight to go out to see him. It was a very weird visit, because I knew it was the last time I would see his dancing blue eyes and his big grin.  I spent 5 days trying to smile, and not show him how scared or devastated I was for our impending loss, because he spent a lifetime teaching his girls and his boy to be independent and strong... I was always the slow learner there.... He spent the 5 days acting as though he was going on a trip.

My dad lived for pub lunches.  After a long career as an executive in the oil industry, he retired to a place where there were pubs on every corner, and going out for a beer and something to eat was just heaven to him.  He loved the social aspect of it, and going out with his kids and our various and sundry "cling-ons" was fun... it became a rite of passage for all the grandsons to go for a beer and a talk with Gramp when they came of age.  The only one he missed taking for a pub lunch was my youngest son...

Anyhow, during that last trip, I was able to have a couple of pub lunches with my dad... on the last of them, my older sister, her boyfriend, my mom and I were taking him out to a great English style pub out in the country.  He decided we should stop by the funeral home because we would pass it on the way,  and he wanted to have a little chat with the staff.... I know.  Weird right?... but the guy was an engineer, and they are logical thinkers... so there we are, sitting with the funeral home staff as he's asking all sorts of questions about the paperwork that needed to be done, and what was going to happen to his earthly remains after his death.  My sis and I sat there trying to pretend this was something we wanted to be doing...

When he was satisfied his questions had been answered, we went off to lunch and had a good chat, a beer and pub food... just as though the funeral home excursion hadn't happened, although for my sis and I it was a little subdued... I remember my dad leaving the pub, and heading out to watch the ducks and swans on a pretty pond outside.  He looked like a little boy seeing it for the first time until I realized he was so rapt because it was the last time.  That little moment in time is seared in my memory...

I left the following morning to go home, and await the inevitable... I kissed my dad goodbye, knowing it would be the last time I hugged or kissed him.

When I got home, I called him often to touch base and to hear his voice...  one of our last conversations went something like this: 


Me:  "Hey Dad, how have you been?"

Dad: "Well, pretty good, considering, how 'bout you?"

Me:  "Fine.  So have you been getting out to the pub for lunch?"

Dad: "Every chance I get... as a matter of fact, Auntie Lee and her sister are coming down for a visit, and we're going today... Gonna try to keep the conversation light."

Me:  "Um... Dad?  Can I give you a little heads' up...If you want to keep things "light" can I suggest not heading to the funeral home on the way? ...That dampens the mood a bit."

I could hear him start to chuckle...That was the last time I laughed with my dad... and I could hear him slapping his knee.

Later...

Blood Suckers

Last night Cute Guy and I headed back to the offleash dog park for a walk... it's a great place to go, and we really enjoy interacting with the dogs and their owners.  We're actually starting to recognize some of the regulars, and they are getting used to the two freaks who come down to the offleash without a dog of our own.... We didn't stay long, because the mosquitos were terrible...

During the course of our walk, CG was chatting about his daughter, and how he worries about her.  She's pretty, smart and funny, has good friends and seems to have a good head on her shoulders.  She's been through that heartbreak of her first love, and he worries about how she will handle the next guy in her life.  

I recommended he buy a fantastic book my mother gave me when I was about 38 or so, I'm guessing... too bad it wasn't written 20 years earlier.  The book is called "He's Just Not That Into You".  Even though the movie is supposedly based on the book, it was a pale imitation.  The book is actually the best self-help book I think I've ever seen...

This book should be REQUIRED READING for all 15 year old girls.  Then they should have to read it again annually for the next 70 years as a refresher.  Seriously.  If I'd had that book at 15 I would have wasted far less time analyzing my life and more time getting on with things.  The book is absolutely hilarious, and a quick read, but the lessons stick, and that's a good thing.

The sad thing is I read this book, took the messages to heart and STILL managed to compromise myself with the Bachelor, ignoring the red flags.  I have read the book twice now, and will be buying a spare copy to lend out to any of my girlfriends going through the whole internet dating thing.  The message in this book is basically how to know if a guy is really into you without doing that whole justification thing women go through about why some guy she's dating is treating her like shit.

Anyway, CG and I stopped at a bookstore on the way home from the dog park, and the book was on for some ridiculous sale price so he bought it for his daughter.   I'm wishing someone would write that same book from the other side.... maybe to explain to guys why the girl they've been casually slipping the trouser snake to is suddenly freaking out when she realizes he's using her....

During sex endorphens are released, and for women, signals a bonding reflex.  Men aren't held  hormonally hostage in the same way.  They're able to separate love and sex.
Nature's main focus is for species to propagate.  Instinct kicks in, whether we think we're way too sophisticated to be caught in that trap or not... think about it...Men have been genetically programed to spread their seed.  Women, once they've accepted that seed have to grow and nurture the little spawn for 9 months inside their bodies.  Because human babies take like 30 years to become self reliant, it makes sense that women would want to nest to ensure a guy is going to stick around before she gets knocked up, so she has help with the little DARLINGS...

That's why a F*ck-buddy relationship generally won't work out.  Women want to bond, and they want their partner to be exclusive with them.  A woman may have the best intention of not becoming emotionally involved with the guy she's banging, but it's difficult for her to do that. 

Guys, even if she TELLS you she isn't into anything but the sex, it's a blatant bunch of bullshit unless she's emotionally bonded to someone else, or she is incapable of bonding... I know psychopaths need love too, but even then you're running a risk.

And ladies, quit deluding yourselves into thinking sex doesn't matter and you won't bond with another asshole.... The key there, is don't SLEEP with an asshole in the firstplace and you're less likely to develop feelings for him.

I have to say, I'm trying to raise boys who aren't going to BE that guy, but I logged on this morning to finish this post, and noticed they left a site on that tells you exactly how to behave to get what you want... and how to find a "local wingman"... um, really?!  I sure am hoping that was a friend of theirs, and that I'm not actually going to have to release a public enemy warning about them....

Later....

Monday, 27 June 2011

Just call me Cupid!

OK - so something way too funny happened yesterday....but before I tell you that, I have to give you a bit of back story...

Facebook is just the coolest social tool... I have rekindled friendships with all sorts of people from my past.  For example, about a year ago, I got a note from a guy who sat beside me in my grade 8 English class.  He was really 'cute' back then, but I would've bet my left arm he hated my guts.  The most vivid memory I have of him beyond the fact that he had super dark hair and really interesting light eyes, is a day we had a pop quiz worth about 40% of our English mark. 

The look of abject terror on his face because he hadn't studied was sad as hell, and when I noticed he was struggling and trying to look at my paper, I allowed him to cheat from my exam.  I had studied so I was reasonably sure if he copied some of my answers he'd at least pass... needless to say, we got caught and raked over the coals....

The note I got from him last year was an apology... he said he'd thought about that situation lots over the years, and he just wanted to come clean and tell me he felt badly about it.  I sent something back basically saying "Um... thanks but it's been like 30 years...I'm so OVER it."... I mean it had been a loooooong time, and besides that, I can't remember being pissed off at him at all, I was mad at the English teacher for not recognizing it was ME who had the right answers... even though he admitted at the time he was the one cheating.  She did let me have my grade after I whined and cried, but she never did recognize my brilliance... and I'm sure she'd be REALLY impressed with my effortless prose now...

Anyhoo, over the course of reconnecting with this guy, he confessed having had a crush on me back then, but being too scared to ask me to "go out".  I always find that amusing when you're talking about 8th graders... I mean, seriously.

I was actually taken aback by the statement.  All I will tell you, is that I was a VERY late bloomer.  I know you're likely shocked and screaming "NO!" given the stunning, fashion savvy beauty I am now, celulite, jowls and all, but I  was a skinny, gawky, glasses wearing geek with no fashion sense.  He was...well... cute.  

He and I have struck up a real friendship over the last few months.  Him going through a divorce from his wife, and me with my breakup with the Bachelor, and subsequent internet dating adventures and now budding relationship with Cute Guy. 

Yesterday morning, I was putting together my post, when I got a note from a girl I met in 12th grade when I came back here.... She is just cute as a button, and one of those women who is always smiling.  She's a busty little blonde with pretty hazel eyes.... she is a flight attendant on a really fun airline, so she's got that bubbly personality you'd expect.  She and I are friends on Facebook, but I haven't actually been in the same room with her for years and years....

She had made a few comments on posts on my wall after my dad died, because she lost her father the year before, but that was the limit of our interaction.... until yesterday.....

Her note to me, said she'd noticed the sweet posts from my 8th grade buddy, and wanted to know more about him.  Her note hinted that she thought he might be Cute Guy.  I assured her he wasn't, so she proceeded to tell  me she'd been following his posts to me ever since he'd indicated he "liked" a comment she'd made to me. 

My English cheating friend has recently lost 50 pounds, is starting to look like that cute boy in my class, and still has the sparkly light eyes and thick hair he had back then, although his hair is now salt and pepper, not black.  Even though he's doing a real metamorphosis back to the person he used to be, he still sees himself as a middle aged, sort of frumpy guy....

My girlfriend was sort of gushing about how cute he is in a sweet way, so I offered to introduce them via Facebook... I sincerely hope they see the good shine in each other that I see in each of them. 
Since then, I've gotten a few notes from each of them telling me how excited they are to "meet" and get to talking...    This will be a long distance friendship, but since she is a flight attendant, there's the chance they could actually meet up someday soon...They're both asking ME for dating advice... How freaking hysterical is that?I'm a 49 year old with a failed marriage and two subsequent failed long term relationships under my belt, so I'm CLEARLY qualified to tell THEM how to manage a relationship... Well, if I can't be a role model, let me be a terrible warning...Because I like being consulted because it makes me feel so smart, I had to come up with some advice, and therein is today's dating lesson....

The Bachelor and I lost the spark of our relationship based on a couple of things.  The biggest being our chosen method of communication.   Because of the distance we would rely on Blackberry Messenger for most of our communication.  That is a BIG mistake.... at first he was texting me every half hour or so, sometimes with big long texts describing his new world, sometimes just short little texts telling me he was thinking about me etc... but as he built a social life, he started to text less often. 

Being A) Female and B) Easily distracted by things more fun than my job, or BS at home, I really, really, really missed the attention.  I had grown to really look forward to hearing that sound my phone made when an incoming BBM arrived...    Problem is, that started to be less and less frequent, and more often than not, they were bullet point instructions on something he needed me to do for him here.  He became cold in my eyes and I became whiny in his.  No matter how you dress that shit up it isn't romantic....

So.  Today's lesson, is to PICK UP THE PHONE.  If you're in a relationship that's online especially.  We only convey about 10% of a message through the words we choose.  The rest is through body language and intonation... so while you can't see body language over the phone, at least you can hear the tone of voice... Better yet, have a chat using Skype or something like that so you cah SEE the person... although for me I'd require flattering lighting and makeup first...

Guys - try to treat your woman like someone you want to see naked more than once, not like a freaking business partner when you're in a situation where you have to text....

Ladies - try to remember that no matter how business-y the texts from your guy are, he's MALE and therefore would nail you any time, anywhere given the chance...

My cute little friend and I are planning to meet for a glass of wine or a beer or something... We haven't seen each other in 30 years (!) so we have a LOT to catch up on.... I hope my introduction is the start of something for both of my friends, because they both deserve something good.

Don't I just sound like Cupid? 

Pretty soon I'll be LOL-ing and smiley facing all over the place...GAG....

Later...

Sunday, 26 June 2011

Perspective....

I have great friends.  That's just a given.  As you must've figured out by now, they have to be a very patient and tolerant lot for putting up with me in their midst... I'm pretty sure lots of them have read some of this blog and just chalked it up to the person they've always known me to be, but there are others who will be rather surprised....

Some of my friends have been around since I was a little kid, others, and probably the ones who know me best, met me in High School.  They have been part of my life since I was 15... I haven't shared this here yet I don't think, but when I was young, my parents and I lived overseas...

We moved to the Middle East when I was 12, and returned when I was 17.... because we were in a Muslim country, we were only allowed to go to school there until grade 9.  That meant that all of the kids who were in school with me would be shipped off to boarding school at the age of 15....

Most went back to schools in the States, but my parents elected to send me to a Catholic boarding school in Italy.  It was an all girls' school... that should explain a lot of my quirks I suppose... Anyhow... when my mom dropped THAT little bomb on me near the end of 9th grade, I was devastated... Jee-ZUS!  There I was, with a growing interest in boys, and my mother was going to make me go to a CATHOLIC ALL GIRLS BOARDING SCHOOL?  OMFG!  Are you KIDDING me? 

Ok - Now all the guys reading this have gone to that little fantasy land with naughty school girls having pillow fights every night, right?

All the girls reading this are going back in their minds to every English novel that talks about boarding school being Hell on Earth... especially a school with nuns acting as the custodians... and that's where my thoughts were for my entire grade 9 year....

The reality is very different than both of those fantasies....

My first day at school was tough... my mom left, and I was devastated at the thought of having to stay, so I was having a little pity party for myself after kissing her goodbye and watching her drive down the beautiful lane that divided our campus... I went in the doors to our "lounge" where the girls who's parents were much more progressive than mine were allowed to smoke....  I will never forget that experience.

I was in the midst of that "Ugly Cry" where you can't catch your breath, and your nose and eyes are red and running... one of the older girls, "Dee", having gone through the experience a year earlier, invited me to come and sit with the group she was with, and proceeded to try to cheer me up. 

Someone told a joke that was quite funny, so I was basically doing that horrible crooked smile that happens when you're bawling and trying to smile... when all of a sudden "Dee" started to laugh at the punchline.  She sort of threw her head back and when it snapped back, I swear to GOD the cigarette she was holding was in just the right position to go up her nostril.  It was lit, so when she pulled it out a nanosecond later, the 'cherry' stayed up her nose....

Next thing you know, the poor girl is frantically trying to blow it out of there "FNEE...FFFFNEE!" 

Poor thing was in pain, but it was funny in a super horrifying way, and so I started to laugh... I didn't mean to, but of course it was just hysterical to watch... She was laughing but crying too, so the two of us were just a complete snot and tear fest... and we became friends.   

I would make closer ones as I met the girls in my class in the days to come... but seeing "Dee" in the hallway for those first couple of weeks with her nostril burned and bleeding, finally scabbing over and healing was enough to make both of us crack up....

Boarding school is a very different experience than high school where you live at home... we formed fast friendships that are still as close today as they were when we were 15 year old girls struggling with issues and having to rely on each other for advice and support.  

There were 2 nuns who lived in our dormatory with us, but let's face it, first they really didn't give a shit what we were doing or going through, and second, they were going to be very little help with any issues with boys, although one of them was carrying on a torrid affair with one of the Brothers at the boys' school.   She seriously thought we never noticed her disappear with him for hours at EVERY weekly school dance, only to return with her hair in that beautiful "just laid" style...all flat in the back... and a self satisfied smile touching the corners of her mouth.... Um... Yup, Sister, we knew!

Navigating teen life without the rudder that a parent is, you tend to bond very tightly with the friends you make.  The relationship is much more sibling like...  Another one of those fantastic friends, Miss "G", is going through a struggle right now, and her ordeal is keeping me grounded. One of the problems we have being part of the priviledged few who live in a free country and can say what we want when we want, especially as a woman, is that we can get mired down in the minutia of our lives... and that's just really pitiful.

Here I am, with my health intact, the health of my kids intact, good dental care, medical care and well paying career.  My biggest struggle as you know is my love life, because I have been fortunate enough to live where I could watch Disney movies and dream....

My amazing Miss "G" is battling cancer. That is a struggle near and dear to my heart.... I know it has to be terrifying to hear the word associated with yourself... I can't even imagine what that feels like to hear when it's YOUR test results... I can only imagine it's terrifying and depressing to deal with, but this woman is navigating her lot with so much humor, strength and grace....  I just want her to know I have her back, and the backs of her sisters.  All 3 of them...

Remember how I told you someone always has it better and someone worse than you?  Well, I'm sure she's going to be the one who again has it better very soon.... I'm positive she's read this blog, and hasn't been surprised one bit, because I've been f-ing things up since I was 15...and hopefully she's been able to laugh at me.  

My only saving grace?  At least I don't have a cigarette up my nose.... 

Love you "G"!

Later...

Thursday, 23 June 2011

49 ain't so bad....

So today's my 49th birthday, and beyond wondering where the Hell my life has gone, the day has been no big shake up for me.   I'm not sure whether 50 will be or not, but to date, the worst birthday I had was 40, just because I wasn't where I wanted to be in my life.... Oh.  Ya.  And because my friend dragged me to a party to be fixed up with some guy she thought I should like.  He was about 15 years older than me, all wrinkly and saggy and just generally not what I had in mind at all....

He had money, which was always her motivation and never mine.  She kept telling me what a great guy he was, and when I met him I was horrified.  The only great thing about him was his house and wallet.... We were way out in the country at his acreage, so most people had arranged to spend the night.  I pounded back a few cocktails in hopes he would grow on me.  I figured I was CLEARLY incapable of choosing someone for myself, and she had recommended him...

We were all standing chatting at his bar when he suddenly leaned over and kissed me.  Yuck... it was one of those terrible kisses that happen when you just know there's not a freaking chance in hell you would ever kiss him again let alone anything else.... ugh! 

I was having a conversation with Cute Guy last night about the fact that women will generally judge how a guy is in bed by how he kisses... Thankfully, he happens to be a very good kisser...

Anyhow... the moral of that story is, if you're planning on having a kiss lead to anything more, work on your technique, and for GOD'S SAKE man, keep a pack of gum or a breath mint handy...

So, back to my birthday... The past year has been full of losses for me, but the sun has finally come out, and so, it was a happy one despite that.... My oldest son was gracious enough to take me out for dinner with his best friend.  This is a kid who hangs around enough he's become a spare kid to me.  There are a couple of them who come over to drink beer and eat my food and about a third of the time sleep at the house.  I'm never sure who's going to be here on any given weekend morning, but it's all good, I'd rather have them at my place, that is, as long as they put their freaking dishes in the dishwasher....

Anyhow, we sat on a rooftop patio and had a nice meal and a glass of beer to toast the occasion.  We had a deep conversation about whether or not God exists... I say yes, my son says no, and the spare agrees with me.  By the way, in case there was any question, I'M right.

When I got home, second son was hinting he'd like me to pay his insurance... so I laughed very very hard... hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.... I guess he wasn't joking, and that just makes it all the more hilarious to me.

Logging into Facebook has been a blast all day.  The greetings have been great to get, but my favorite is a photo a friend posted of me, my high school boyfriend and one of my dearest girlfriends from a reunion we were all at in 1988.  My hair was so big back then, and so hair sprayed that it could cause contusions and abrasions if someone were standing beside me and I turned my head fast....

I loved that time in my life though.  I was living on my own, and had a crappy little one bedroom apartment I actually shared for three months with two guys who were working their way across the country.  One was from Australia and the other was from England, and before you get all excited about that THEY slept on a pull out couch in my living room, and I had the bedroom... and before you draw any conclusions from that, they weren't gay. 

We used to go out on the weekends, and they would be swarmed by girls because of their accents.. trust me, it wasn't their fantastic looks... so... my best friend and I adopted that as our modus operandi for quite a while after that.  We got really good at Australian, Texan and English accents, and that would be great until we'd had one too many cocktails... it was amazing how many drinks we had bought for us when you added the bullshit story we were from somewhere else!  Oh.  But I should point out, this ruse works a lot better if you actually look like you could possibly be from the place your accent of choice originates... I found my East Indian or Asian accents, while brilliant,  just didn't cut it in that circumstance.

I actually met a guy I dated for about a year one night at a party where I was from Adelaide until about 2:00 AM when I just couldn't do it any longer.

Anyhow, I shared the photo with my younger son... so his question to me "Mom, how old ARE you today?"   I said "49."... so he says, "That's so GROSS... a bunch of my friends think you're HOT."  After I finished laughing, he asked me if that was flattering... When I told him it was kinda flattering in a Mrs. Robinson sort of way, he kinda sneered at me... so I said "I'm sure you think some of THEIR moms are hot..."  To which he gave that perfect teenage boy answer of "Ya, but I sure as HELL don't want to talk about how hot MY MOM is..."

I'm thinking all he has to do is show them some of the photos from Facebook and they'd change their minds.... I guess I was just a very late bloomer...

Later...

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

Ridin' Solo

So I heard from a girlfriend who is currently navigating the whole dating online thing the other day... she'd written me a quick email last week when she was getting ready to go on  a first date with a guy she met on the same site as Cute Guy and I were on.... She was excited, because on paper the guy she was meeting sounded pretty good....

I wished her luck, and had my fingers crossed for her.  This is a woman I've known since I was 15 years old...so, like, not THAT long.... 

She's beautiful, capable and independent.  She's also smart and funny with a great sense of adventure.  She's raised a son on her own, can take care of herself, and has done a lot with her life.  She is definitely interesting company, so I had high hopes for her.

She sent a synopsis of the date afterward.  It didn't go quite as she'd hoped it would.  They agreed to meet at a restaurant for dinner... what did I tell you guys about investing in a meal for the first meeting?  You're sort of stuck for a really long time if the service is bad, and that can really suck... 

Anyhow, she said as she was sitting there, he recited his many accomplishments, and left almost zero time for her to interject anything...  I think we've all met people like that.  It always leaves me wondering why the hell they bother going out with anyone else... I mean, seriously, if you have no room in your life for someone else, why bother to inflict yourself on a date?

She said he droned on about himself and how well he was doing, how much money he was making, and how great he was for nearly the whole date, finally asking her if she'd like to "take some time to brag." as they were winding down. Wow!  Now there's a class act for ya.  My feeling is, if you're that wonderful, you'd have a little humility, and you'd want to hear about the person you're with....

I'm pretty sure Cute Guy met the perfect girl for this clown...

Remember when I told you he has a terrific sense of humor?  Apparently it's a family trait.  I guess last Christmas he was given two beautifully wrapped boxes from his neices.  I'm going to guess they're somewhere around the same ages as my boys.... One of the packages said "Open Me First".  When he opened it, he was surprised to find a gorgeous lace teddy with a note that said "If you can't find the perfect woman to wear this, open the other box.".  When he opened the second box, it contained a life sized blow up doll....

I'm thinking it would be great if they'd come up with one that could fit in a condom sized package in your purse or wallet... They could make it out of the same "rubber".  Not sure if you've ever blown a condom up, but it ends up being about the size of the Hindenberg before it pops....

Anyhow, if you had a Condom Doll in your purse or pocked, and found yourself in a situation similar to my girlfriend, you could inflate it while they're yapping because they probably wouldn't even notice.  You get out of the crappy situation, and "Full of Himself Guy" gets the date he always wanted.  Win/Win.....

Later....

Monday, 20 June 2011

Jamaica me Crazy...

Well, it was Fathers' Day weekend, and as I told you earlier, I lost my wonderful dad Christmas Day... that means this year is full of difficult firsts for me.... I have to say, my dad was among the best.  He was kind, considerate, funny and just a great guy to be around. 

The fact that there are two of these firsts inside a week has made for some moments of reflection.  Fathers' Day, closely followed by my birthday....

My mom and sister are here visiting from out of town.  Mom is staying with me, and my sister is staying with a friend, so I haven't seen much of her.  That gave mom and I some time to bond and chat, and because she mixed up the date of an evening engagement she had planned, I dragged her along to a social event on Friday night...

Cute Guy invited me to an annual party some friends of his throw to celebrate the husband's Carribean heritage.  This couple is warm, kind, and just a joy to be around.  They're the perfect embodiment of how sometimes exactly what you're looking for in a partner, can be wrapped in a different package than you expected.  The husband is a shorter guy, probably standing around 5 foot 5 or 6, and his wonderful wife is around 5 foot 11 I would guess.  He is dark skinned and eyed and she is a willowy blonde... where they're alike though, is their sense of humor and warm, welcoming spirit.  

I accepted Cute Guy's invitation to come with him because mom was planning to be at a concert with my sister that night... but she had the date mixed up... the wonderful, warm couple told me to bring my mom along...   Because my dad was a real social animal, their home was always full of friends and laughter.  My mom is still getting used to living alone, eating alone and sleeping alone after having someone there for over 60 years.

This party was a lot of fun... Jamaicans know how to do it up right.  There was a ton of food, lots of laughs, some Bob Marley on the stereo and a ton of booze... Our host was half in the bag the entire evening, but managed to keep himself mostly upright, and could still carry on a pretty good conversation.   Cute guy and he flirted with my mom, and had a bunch of the other men at the party over talking with her for a good part of the night.  She's 83, so there wasn't too much danger of her getting into much trouble, but she enjoyed the attention. 

The most interesting part of the evening came when a couple Cute Guy knows from his son's soccer team were chatting with us.... 

Wife: "So, how long have you two been together?"

Me: Looking at Cute Guy... "Well, we started dating about 5 weeks ago..."

Cute Guy:  "Yep, we met on Friday the 13."

Husband:  "Oh.  So really new."

Wife:  "Well, how did you two meet?"

Cute Guy:  Looking at me... "Online."

Wife: "No.  Really.  How did you meet... through friends?"

Me:  "Really.  We met online."

Wife:  "Come on.  Really."

Cute Guy:  "We REALLY met online.  Really..."

Wife:  Helplessly looking to her husband for a rescue... He looks at her with the same look...
"Oh.  Wow.  I didn't think that ever happened... I have a friend who's been internet dating for 5 years and hasn't found anybody...." As they're both wondering what's wrong with us I'm sure....

Me: "CLEARLY she's on E-MELODY!"  I didn't add that she's probably still wading through the stupid Must Have/Can't Stand section....

After a couple of repeats of this, I told Cute Guy we totally need to come up with an interesting story of how we met, because people who have never been through that special HELL can't understand how it can work... then again, anyone who is currently IN that special Hell probably doesn't believe it'll work either... especially if their last meeting was with someone who is 150 pounds heavier or 20 years older than they looked in their photo....

I'm gonna have to give our initial meeting some thought, although when people share their internet dating horror stories it just means I have more to talk about here....


Later....

Saturday, 18 June 2011

Terms of Endearment....

Remember when I told you with Cute Guy and me, I'd like our FIRST TIME together to be somewhere neutral so it wasn't his turf or mine? Well, he's had a lot of fun with that... at my expense... "So... you put a lot of pressure on a guy... you know, with our first time having to be in SWITZERLAND and all."  I get the feeling he's laughing AT me rather than WITH me... 

I think we're sitting in Austria right about now, thinking about making that border crossing, but we're still trying to figure each other out to some degree... and that leads into a whole other hurdle with starting a new relationship.  He has yet to introduce me as his "girlfriend" and I haven't told people he's my "boyfriend", he's still the guy I'm seeing...

As parents, you have nicknames for your kids.  You know...sweet little names for them that start when they're tiny... My boys share a nickname, because it was just easier that way for me.  It's Monk... it's a derivative of Monkey, because when they were tiny and I would carry them around they seemed like those cute baby monkeys hanging on to their mom... While there are times you want to call them Demon Possessed little Bastards, I generally save THAT name for the cats...

As a parent, because nature has a way of making you love your kids no matter what, you also have names like Babe, Sweetie and Darlin' for them as well...


These are the names you have to be careful about because you can easily let them creep into conversation with the new man... but then you have that whole moment where you're unsure if you should have or not... Thing is, it's equally as awkward when those words are conspicuously left out too....

We had one of those conversations the other day. Cute Guy was away on a business trip again and we were chatting over the phone about his upcoming dinner with a long time employee and what he had planned for the rest of the trip. When we were saying goodbye, it became a little awkward.

Me:  "Well, have a good sleep, and I will look forward to seeing you when you get back."

Cute Guy: In his best radio DJ voice... "Yes.  Well.  Very good then.  I will look forward to seeing you in future too.  Thank you for your time." 

Thing is, terms of endearment can be nauseating when they're used too much between couples, especially couples who are a little too into the whole PDA thing... I love being called a sweet pet name, and holding hands or other benign little gestures are great, but it can be taken too far....

My darling brother and his wife were absolutely revolting when they were dating... they were young and in love, and it used to be just torturous to sit there with the two of them in a room... GAG... it was enough to make you yak a little in your mouth.... it was bad enough when they were talking to us, but even worse if they talked to each other.... Every sentence was punctuated like this....

"Um...Sweetie *kiss*...do you.. *smooch*...think, Dear, you can... *smack*...pass me...*sigh*... my drink *kissy-kiss* Baby Doll?" 

This was made even worse by the fact that they were like 18 at the time... what 18 year old calls his girlfriend DEAR?  ...BLECH!

They've gotten over that in the million years since they married, but it's still one of those family stories that gets told because their shmoopsie-poopsie-ing was absolutely epic.  God... I have to say I'm feeling a little green just remembering it.

 My sister had been married to a decidedly NOT publicly affectionate but funny guy for a couple of years before my bro and his squeeze got together.  He was constantly revolted by the whole thing.  So one night as we're sitting there watching this worse than a "B" romance movie unfold, he looks at my sister across the table and says "Skookumpups... can you pass me my drink?" while batting his eyes  at her... For some reason, my sister and I thought this was hilarious. 

My brother didn't find it amusing in the least, but it has stuck as the go to schmoopsie-poopsie word for my family...

Anyway, Cute Guy made an interesting observation.  I was telling him that ending conversations is hard at the beginning of a relationship.  He says he figures it will get easier once we've been to Switzerland...  We'll see...

Later....

Friday, 17 June 2011

Um... Even Dr. Seuss would say that's a little personal for the Salad course....

I am a grateful woman.   There.  I said it right out loud, and I mean it.... I went through HELL for three months, and I can't tell you how glad I am the clouds parted, and I made it through.... 

One of the things I'm most grateful for is feeling normal... I've discussed previously how much fun it is to watch someone else be completely tormented by their teens, but it's also very nice to hear that others have had similar experiences being single and middle aged...  The other night Cute Guy and I were exchanging stories... I was sort of working through some of the "Barbie" material in my head, and telling him a little about her week in Atlanta... He interjected with quite the story of his own...

I guess he was approached by a woman on the same dating site we met through, a few months ago... they did the usual exchange of witty banter and then decided to meet for dinner... which as you will see is a dangerous thing to do first date...

As is fairly common, when she walked in the restaurant, he realized she was a lot older than the photo she had posted.  After the initial shock, they started to chat and were enjoying each other's sense of humor.  I have to say, Cute Guy isn't lost for words very often, but he said he almost choked when mid way through a mouth full of salad she decided to cut to the chase....

She told him she realized she was a lot older than him, but that she wanted to detail why that's a  huge advantage... He asked her what the advantage was and she proceeded to tell him. First she is still married and committed to her husband, but he isn't able to perform any longer because he's an invalid, and all she's interested in is sex...

She starts to detail just what that could mean for him...He's a pretty confident guy, and his mind works pretty quickly, so he had a few fairly pointed questions for her I'm sure, but even though I haven't yet seen him at a loss for words, he said it was a surreal experience sitting there listening to the littany of what she would allow him to do to her....

He said it started very quickly to sound like a Dr. Seuss book... "You can put it HERE... you can put it THERE... YOU can put it ANYWHERE!" 

As he's concentrating on not choking on his salad, he starts wondering if she's ever had to give the Heimlich after dropping that little bomb shell... He says while it was interesting from a sort of alien encounters viewpoint or that horrifying fascination you get watching a frog dissection, it made for a VERY long meal.  When they parted company, he said he would consider her GENEROUS offer....

Being male, once he got home he did sort of a post mortem with a friend of his who we shall just say is a "busy" guy on the dating sites.... Because it had been a while since he'd dated, his buddy's advice was to go for it, but to ensure he used a position where he could block out the 20 year age difference...Cute Guy decided not to pursue that course of action and graciously declined...  "I will not do you on your car, I will not do you near or far, I will not stick it in your ear... I do not need you over here!"

So...today's lesson... Ladies, even if all you're looking for is a roll in the hay, why not look for the guys who say they're after the same thing in their profiles... E-mail me, and I can hook you up with "Since of Hummer" guy, "Sniff your Underwear Guy",  "Goin Postal Guy", or any of the other guys who've made an appearance here... some of them would be ETERNALLY grateful I'm sure...

Better yet, join the dating site with the "Freak Show" section...Yes, certainly there are men out there who will be completely into that smorgasbord of things you will allow, with no strings attached, but thankfully there are some who might actually want to hit the dessert and brandy portion of the meal before hearing how you want to be used....

Guys, Your lesson here, is don't invest in a whole dinner until you know you want to spend more than an hour with someone....and brush up on your Dr. Seuss....it could come in handy...

Later...

Thursday, 16 June 2011

Good thing they're pretty....

So, one of the things Cute Guy and I like to do, is to go to the off-leash park and play with the dogs... We both love dogs, but don't have dogs.  It's just fun to go and play with someone else's pet for a while then walk away at the end of an hour, without having to clean up any shit.


Visiting his house has been sort of the same for me... I love teenagers as long as they were spawned by SOMEONE ELSE.  Well, at least as long as I don't have to ride public transit with a herd of  them.... That's just cruel and inhuman in my books.

But if they're in their own natural habitat they have teriffic senses of humor, are astute and intelligent a lot of the time, have great energy and watching them use their super human bargaining skills for that $20, $1000 bike, $150 pair of shoes or new car they "need" with someone else rather than me is incredibly funny....

A couple of nights ago, I was invited to Cute Guy's house for dinner with his teens and various and sundry other teens who had dropped by to eat because he's a good cook... I KNOW... that's the second dinner in a week he's cooked for me... He's smart, handsome AND he can cook....

I'm hearing that collective AAAAAAAW! from the women reading this....  Don't become hostile toward your mate, because I haven't had to lift a freaking finger yet....you chose HIM.... But again, I digress.... Hanging around his house is like being at mine but with different neighbors...

Oh.  Wait.  There IS one noteable exception.... his daughter's friend was sitting at the kitchen table with a TEXTBOOK... It looked vaguely familiar to me and I had to think WAY back to when I was in school....That's such a foreign concept in my house, I actually had to ask what she was doing.  She said she was STUDYING.  I said to her "Wow!  I've HEARD that happens, I've just never seen it done..."  All I can say, is thank GOD my boys are pretty...


So back to the story...Cute Guy and I  were comparing our "Affectionate words of the day"... He had been told he was "incrediby annoying" and "so GAY" earlier in the day ... can't remember what horrifying parental act he'd done to deserve that, but I won the prize because I was "Such a douche" coupled with that so dramatic it's AUDIBLE eye roll, which gave me bonus points for the win, because I insisted my kid put his dishes INSIDE rather than on top of the dishwasher...

People who don't have teens probably don't realize how often the word DOUCHE is used in today's vernacular. Cute Guy's suggestion is that I have my son expand his use of the word as a verb and adjective next, because he might as well figure out how to leverage it into all sorts of new terms....


I found out the sad truth that Dishleprophoia - or the fear of dishwashers (YES it's a real word!)  has reached epidemic proportions...there seems to be an outbreak of it at his house too.... so I gathered up the salad bowls after dinner and put them in the sink because the dishwasher was full of clean dishes and I didn't know where to put them away.


Anyhow, WTF is it with kids and not understanding how things work?  These guys can set up a computer, navigate illegal music download sites so fast your head will spin, and can hack into NASA, but they can't load and unload a freaking dishwasher.  The concept is pretty simple right?  Open the door, put the dishes inside, put soap in, push a button, and like magic, you have a clean fork to use after a while.... Even when you convince them to LOAD the dishwasher, the whole UNLOADING part escapes them....

I really enjoyed my evening at the offleash Teen Park that is Cute Guy's house... I find it so comforting to see that my house isn't much different than his...The best part about going over there is I don't have to deal with the shit... that is, until I go home to a house full of hungry teens and a sink full of dishes.

Later...


Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Stop the Merry go round I want to get off....

So it’s official… Cute NEW Guy has to be renamed just Cute Guy, because we have made it past the one month mark, and I'm guessing he isn't gonna like it if I call him Cute Old Guy.   I can’t tell you how amusing it is, to be going through the BS at home, and having someone who can match and sometimes even top your teenager stories…. OK - I'll admit his topping my stories hasn't happened yet...but it COULD...
We had a chat about how much fun this past month has been, having someone to talk to that gets the Hell that is being a single custodial parent of teens…. at least we're reasonably sure we aren't going to shock each other with the stuff we're going through with the kids or with our past dating horror stories etc.

That leads me to today’s dilemma…. More than two weeks ago I signed off the dating site ‘Merry-go-round’ as he calls it, but they continue to send me matches and winks and other lame-o crap. I will admit, right out loud, I was THAT KID on the Merry-go-round who got motion sick and barfed off the side... I'm feeling a little like that right now actually....The day after I closed my account they sent an email from a man on there.  I tried to open to respond and say I had found someone interesting, but you can’t respond without signing up again…

Now I don’t know about you, but isn’t that sort of a shitty thing for a site that touts itself as being single handedly responsible for More Marriages than the Pope to do?  Shouldn't they have your profile hidden or off there or something?  It's just wrong, and leads to a constant upgrade mentality... let's say you have a big fight with the guy you're with... having a full in box of other potential matches could start to give you the idea you can just trade him in....
Let’s look at this from an evolutionary perspective…. Men are WIRED to want to spread their seed… So… I can only imagine Cute Guy is getting the same notifications.  He is an extremely smart man, so I suspect he's discarding them the same way I am, but what if he wasn’t as smart as he is pretty…  
The business of finding someone a match is great if that’s truly the intent, but we all know the actual “business” of the website is to make money… how do they do that?  By selling you a membership to the site and throwing people at you hoping someone will stick. 

IF you're lucky enough to actually find someone great, they're hoping you'll tell your lonely, unlucky or loser, shut-in friends to try THEIR SITE as opposed to E-Melody, who is also sending me a ream of junk mail even though I closed my profile there as well.
  So… Do they really care if you find the love of your life?  Well, they do, as long as you spread the word... and if you don't find anyone, they'll keep promising you that love is right around the corner and take your money for all eternity....Kinda a win/win.  For THEM.

For the moment I’m someone they’re never getting any more money from, unless I have screwed up again... or if curiosity about who it was who emailed me gets me so juiced up that I part with my credit card number…. NOT!

I give them full credit for giving me the opportunity to meet Cute Guy but it's the two of us who are making the relationship fun.... and I hope we're laughing together far into the future... it's pretty cool to find someone who "gets" my sense of humor but knows when I need a hug.... I know we're all shiny and new, but right now we fit.
Thankfully I’ve got a very long memory, and won’t soon forget playing “Douche, Douche, Loser” with my sons as we flip through the pictures of my potential matches….

Later...

Tuesday, 14 June 2011

Can I get an AMEN for Juan the Pool Boy


What is it they say about the best laid plans of mice and men?  Well, in this case, it's those crappy Universe headphones again...  all they heard of that was "laid" and "men" apparently...

Remember "Barbie" from yesterday... well here's the rest of the story.  Right before she left for her Atlanta business trip she was sick, so went to the doctor trying to shake an athsma attack she felt coming on...  Her doctor put her on prednesone to try to get some lung function back... if you've never taken prednesone, it's a steroid, and can affect your sleep habits.  Because she wanted to address the problem right away, she took one of the tablets at about 2:30 in the afternoon, and didn't sleep the whole night before she leaves.

She figures she'll try to sleep a little on the plane, but she's had to take another pill early that morning...She tells me  "Holy CRAP I'm absolutely WIRED on this stuff..."  Needless to say, she doesn't sleep on the plane at all, and arrives at the convention just vibrating.  Now, this girl is vivacious to start with, but she's operating on zero sleep from the night before, coupled with the prednesone effect, and she's excited about the next few days networking.  Let's face it, an out of town convention is an opportunity to be someone you probably aren't at home....

The first day was packed with activities, and afterward she and some friends from work go out to have a couple of drinks.  Barbie is 47 and a couple of the girls she's out with are married and in their 30's so when an attractive early 20 something guy starts hitting on her hard, they're egging her on to "Go for it!"... She keeps telling them how ridiculous it is that this kid is hitting on her, but she's flattered... This is Friday night....

She's telling me how she brushes off his advances, but somehow he got her cell number, and when he isn't actually at the table, he's sending her texts about how beautiful she is, and how much he wants her.... She says she's very flattered by the attention, but the age discrepancy was "ridiculous".  Finally, at about 2 in the morning, she relents and tells him her room number. 

Apparently a night of amazing passion ensues, and she kicks him out at about 7 in the morning ...remember now, she's operating on about two hours sleep here...and now she has to sit through an entire day of meetings. 

He texts her all day long and calls a few times, but she ignores him, because she's feeling a little ashamed about...Um...'educating' the poor kid...

On Sunday she gets invited to go to church with a friend.  She agrees to go, because she's feeling, in her words, "like I've committed a completely mortal sin, and if I don't go and pray for my black soul, I'm gonna be struck down by lightning..."  She is sitting in the pew with her friend on one side, and a "nice, sweet, gentle black man" on the other... she describes how he says "Amen!" or "Hallelujah!" whenever the minister makes a comment that obviously speaks to him...

Meanwhile, he's moving closer and closer to her... while this is all going on, she says she's completely feeling the hand of God, because the preacher's sermon that day was on being lonely.  "So, Brothers and Sisters!  You feel loneliness heavy on your shoulders... so you go out to a bar and drink and you pick up a STRANGER!  But that stranger is just cold comfort!... (insert a Hallelujah from the buddy next to "Barbie")...There's something missing in your HEART, Brothers and Sisters...can I get an Amen! (Amen!!)...

Barbie says she was sitting there totally wondering how the adventures with her boy toy, let's call him "Juan the Pool Boy" happened to be broadcast to the preacher... and all the time, this "precious man" beside her is sitting closer and closer to her, trying desperately to share his song book....

She says she was sitting there doing the little inner voice dialogue:

"WTF is HAPPENING here?  Seriously?  Is this guy HITTING on me in CHURCH?!... OMG, if he gets any closer, he's going to be sitting on my knee! ...and is that preacher looking right AT me?... Am I being "Punked"?..."

She's sitting there, sweating, and feeling increasingly uncomfortable about the sermon when she turns to her girlfriend and says "Listen.  If I start speaking in TONGUES, we could be in trouble!" 

When the service ended, she says the guy in the pew beside her turned to her and said that he had an uncanny sixth sense about people's energy... "You have an amazing POSITIVE energy.  I'd like to take you to supper."  She says she feels like she was in an episode of the Twilight Zone...

That night when she got back to her room, she finally dozed off... and her phone rang.  She was half asleep and she answered it without looking at it, and here it is "Juan"... he's telling her he feels so used because she was ignoring the texts and messages he's sent incessantly since she booted him out of her room... her answer "What exactly did you THINK it was, Honey?!" ...
Well, the answer to THAT question, my friends, is a TWO night stand...

So what lesson can we get from this little missive?  Well, I 'm guessing God or the Universe or whatever, CAN see what you're doing, and once in a while he sets you up so he can have a good chuckle himself... can't you just see that...?

God's inside voice..."Wow! I just don't think I can leave this one alone... HAHAHAHA  Ya, that's good... now let's just tweak her reality a little more....." Personally, I think having her actually speak in tongues would have been a good addition....

You know, when my marriage ended and I'd been separated for a while, my mom tried to give me some suggestions on where I should be going to meet men, and she suggested church... I don't think I'd ever really thought it was a hot place to pick up men, but I stand corrected.....

Later...

Monday, 13 June 2011

Shazam...and they're OFF!

Yesterday afternoon I decided to head out for a glass of wine and a catch up session with a girlfriend.  She is accomplished, really animated, smart, funny and cute as a button.  I'd tell you her real name, but you'd think it was a fake, so we'll call her Barbie... not because she reminds me of the doll, but because she reminds me of a Barbie I went to school with....

Barbie's back story is that she was married very young to a man who was much older than her.  They were married for over 20 years, but he just can't keep up with her.... they agreed to part ways when he determined he just wanted a companion rather than a wife...

She attended an offsite conference in Atlanta a couple of weeks ago... I have more than one story to share from that week she was away, but I thought I'd start with this one....

After a day of conferences,  Barbie and a couple of friends from work decide to go out for a drink and dinner.  One of these friends is a young married woman, and she tells Barbie "I can't go out with you.... I heard all the stories from last year... you're a BAD girl, and you're going to get me in trouble...."   Barbie is a consumate professional at her job, so keeps her alcohol intake limited when she's out for work functions especially, so she was a little offended.... I guess the younger woman ended up half in the bag and was comparing the size of the hands of the men at the table, and getting all excited over the size of their feet... apparently she has very tiny hands, and kept comparing her hands to theirs...

Barbie is getting a little tired of it, especially when the younger one says  "Wow!  Look at the size of Bob's FEET... you KNOW what that means?"  Barbie's quick witted response..."Ya... it means you're gonna have to use both hands..." 

Barbie loses interest in the whole discussion and strikes up a conversation with an older Scottish guy at the table with whom she enjoys a drink and some good conversation, but she tells me there's no real spark there at all.  When she decides she's had enough of Shoe Fettish girl, she thanks him for the drink he bought her, and tells him she's exhausted and needs to go to bed.

He says he's heading that way too, and offers to walk her to her room.  She says "I've had two hours sleep, I have told this guy how tired I am, and that he can walk me to my room but I'm not interested in sleeping with him, and I was crystal clear about that."... but he insists on being the galant gentleman and taking her up to her door.  When they get there, he asks if she would mind getting him a glass of water.  Apparently that loooooong walk up from the hotel bar has him completely parched....

She heads to the kitchen area of her suite to get him a bottle of water.... "I walked in to grab the water and a glass, and when I turn the corner to hand it to him, you'll never believe it...."  My response, as will be the response of many women who have had the same trick pulled on them is to say "He was naked."  She tells me yes, he's standing there doin' the full Monty in the middle of her room after being told he has zero chance of getting laid.....

I mean how does this happen... are his clothes put together with velcro so he can just rip them off in a single tug?  Does he say a magic word and they just fall to the floor?  Do slimy men practice that move until they shave seconds off their best time?  She says he couldn't have had more than a minute to get it all off... I guess putting them back on after she told him to get the Hell out took a little longer

I've had this same scenario happen to me... it was with a guy I had been "friends" with in high school... why the quotes?  Because I was the new girl at school in grade 12, and he was the captain of the football team.  He had time to talk to me if I knew the answer to a homework question, or if he needed help studying, but he was dating the most popular girl in school, so I didn't rate beyond that.  We ran into each other years later in a small city I had just moved to.  I had finished college and was working as a newscaster and reporter for a local radio station.

He had gone on to do great things with his career too... working in a second rate men's suit store as the assistant manager.  He was still counting on the fact that he was gonna be able to coast on the whole "I'm the quarterback" thing, but in reality, he wasn't looking nearly as good as he had in school, and I was meeting all sorts of cool people.  When he invited me to go out for a beer I accepted because I was genuinely looking forward to catching up as buddies.  We went to a noisy bar so when he suggested we go somewhere quieter I genuinely thought it was because we couldn't hear each other.  He told me his place wasn't far away from there, so why didn't we go have a glass of wine at his place and catch up, then he would take me home....

I agreed because of our history.  Even at 23 I was pretty cautious... Anyhoo, we walk in his bachelor pad.... and ... I guess the national suit store pays assistant managers even less than I was making in radio, which for anyone who has worked in the media knows is PATHETIC money...because his hip bachelor pad was a studio apartment with the bedroom/living/dining room combo and a separate bathroom about the size of a broom closet....

We enjoyed a glass of wine and a couple of anecdotes but the conversation was pretty halting, so I excused myself to go to the washroom in anticipation of going home... when I come out about 5 minutes later, if that, he's naked on the bed, patting the mattress beside him.... "Um... Buddy, what the HELL are you doing?" I say.  His response was something pretty rude as I recall about what we should be doing... "Ya.  That's NEVER going to happen."  He got up, dressed himself, and despite my saying I'd call a cab, he insisted on driving me home... I swear to God when we got to my house, he barely stopped the car... I thought he was going to tell me to tuck and roll....

I have been lucky enough to never run into him again, but I guess my friend Barbie ran into HER naked loser a few more times during the conference... how awkward.

What the hell goes through a guy's mind?!  I just don't get it... Women are built differently than men when it comes to sex, clearly, but when someone's told you they're not interested in getting busy, what is it that makes a guy think he still has a chance if he just displays his junk?....  I'm just trying to imagine that thought process.... I mean, what does he really think is gonna happen... she says "No." so he drops his drawers, and she's going to...what, exactly?... say "Wow!  Well since you put it THAT way, ok, let's go, sailor, I'm all yours!"... That only happens in cheesy porno movies...or so I'm told... 

In real life, obviously what she says and what he hears are two different things... is it because he's listening with his penis?  I mean, clearly the sound is going to be a little muffled if that's the case with all those layers of clothing in the way... especially if it's listening through the same headsets as McRonalds or the Universe....

Today's lesson? 

Ladies, if you're not going to sleep with a guy, DON'T invite him to your room, and DON'T go to his.


Guys, if a woman says she's not interested in getting busy with you, BELIEVE her.... you'll look way less like a knob if you accept that information with grace and she changes her mind and rips your clothing off than if you dismiss her assertions and are standing there being rejected with your parts all hanging out....

Later....

Sunday, 12 June 2011

A little Blast from the Past....

So I just realized I have referred to a guy here, but it seems I didn't give you the whole story...

Let me introduce you to one of my favorite freak shows..."Smell Your Dirty Underwear Guy"... I gave you a little of his history, but here's how we "met"...This guy is JUST creepy enough to deserve a second mention, in case any women reading this are graced with his charming advances...


The first time I tried the whole internet dating thing I would go online and actually chat with people on the site when my boys had been safely tucked in.  As I've mentioned before, I was 40, which would make my babies 10 and 12 at the time....

I hadn't been single for a long time, and it's tough to get the banter down at first.... I felt like I needed a little ego boost, so found it kinda interesting to get attention from some of the guys on the dating sites, although I found out pretty quick the attention could be super weird.... My first inkling there were freaks out there even in my city, was when I logged on to....let's call it "Magma-Life" for the very first time.  You know the one with the "Dating", "Relationship" and "I'm a Circus Freak so Let's Get it On" sections....

So I create an account in the Relationship section, and am trying to figure out how to block the circus freaks, and what the heck you're supposed to do as far as writing a little blurb to describe yourself, and how to add photos when I get my very first chat request.... 

Guy:  "Hi there.  You look tired." 

Me:  "Wow.  That's funny since I don't have a photo posted yet..."

Guy:  "I can just tell... did you have a rough week?"

Me:   "Well, I did as a matter of fact, and you telling me I look TIRED doesn't make the weekend forecast any better..."

Guy:  "I could just TELL you had a rough one, do you need a foot rub and your vacuuming done?"

Me:  "Um... wow... never had anyone lead with THAT..."

Guy:  " Are you a "Type A" woman?"

Me:  "What do you mean?  My Blood type?

Guy:  "No, are you ASSERTIVE?

Me:  What, like a "Type A Personality", Gotcha...Um, no, not at all...Why?"

Guy:  "Oh.  Because I really like an ASSERTIVE woman."

Me (inside voice): danger, danger......
Me (outside voice) "What do you mean by that...Exactly?"

Guy:  "Do you need your house cleaned?"

Me: (inside voice) WTF just happened?!...Did I miss something here? This is too freaking weird... DANGER...
Me: (outside voice) "Well, I'm a single mom of two boys with a full time job... so... what do YOU think...?"

Guy: "Well, I could come over and clean your house and you could TELL me how to do it RIGHT..."

Me: (inside voice) Wait.  What?  Well, clearly now I KNOW your a f*cking whack job... who the hell LIKES cleaning?!  You gotta be a special kind of stupid for that..... 
Me: (outside voice) "OK - I'll bite... What's the deal here?"

Guy:  "I will come and vacuum, do laundry and dust for you....I like to be dominated... all you have to do is be assertive... Oh...and let me smell your dirty underwear..."

Me: (inside voice) Wow, the house IS a mess, and I'm pretty sure I have some underwear that needs washing... Do I have to actually be home?
Me: (outside voice).... "Holy SHIT, I'm like completely speechless here...you're a bit of a nut job... is this little schpeil working for you?...like do you get a lot of women who accept this offer?...actually, I don't want to know....So...... BLOCK, Blockty-Block".....

I have to admit, about three weeks ago my cleaning lady had to drop the people in my area of town, and I have tried to get two others in here to clean the place as well as she did, and have had no luck, so I was tempted to re-join and unblock him, but....

Today's lesson?  Talking to the creeps for a few minutes can be amusing and a bit of a social experiment, but even if you have a whole walk in closet full of dirty clothes, DON'T FALL FOR THIS.... I'm guessing this whack job is gonna use too much starch or add reds in with your whites or something, just to piss you off.....


Later....

Friday, 10 June 2011

"Tupperware" ... a career my mom wouldn't have considered.....

I promised you I'd give you the reader's digest version of the party the gorgeous Miss "L" invited me to, so here it is.....

One afternoon, I'm putzing around checking my email... I open it up to see a cute little invitation to a "Tupperware" party... that's how it's written... in quotes like that, but seeing as how I'm not really a suspicious person... unless I'm perusing profiles on a dating site, I didn't really think anything of it.... 

At the time, I had a very strict rule going,  to attend any and ALL social invitations no matter how lame....As long as they offer ALCOHOL.  I mean, really, those parties should ALL offer cocktails...things don't get much lamer than a Tupperware party, unless, of course you're talkin' Amway..... Those people are just SICK.

I send back a reply saying I'll attend....

The next day Miss "L" and I are chatting and she says she's glad I can make it to the "TUPPERWARE" party, and adds ..."and by "TUPPERWARE" I mean sex toys hahaha."  Miss "L" likes to joke around a lot, so I was totally confused as to whether she'd found some new use for that tupperware salt shaker, or whether it was really a sex toy party... 

When I show up at her house the next day, there are about 30 women, all sitting in chairs that were lined up all the way around her living room....so, I grab a martini, and a seat.  I soon realize, this ain't Tupperware, and I'm thinking "This should be interesting...."  Lots of these women have been to a whole bunch of these parties I gather by the conversation around the sharing circle. 

There are only a couple of people I know there, including a mom and daughter, and a married born again Christian woman who wouldn't say shit if her mouth was full of it.... I'm guessing she thought "TUPPERWARE" was the same as Tupperware too...

Born Again is looking a little mortified at the conversations going on around her as the martini's loosen people up.... "Oooooh - I haven't got the big PURPLE one, but that little silver bullet is AWESOME... I think I'm going to order two this time, in case I wear the first one out." 

When the sex toy rep comes in to do her presentation, I realize I've met her several times in the past with her beautiful baby girls but would never have pegged her for a vixen... she seriously looks like she could star in an Ivory Soap commercial... she's so sweet and INNOCENT looking, and is just an absolute sweetheart.... of course that gets me on a tangent....I'm thinking that's not a job I could picture MY mom doing, even if we were starving.... God... what a horrible picture THAT creates, right?  I find it easier to picture my mom as a freaking lumberjack or trapeze artist.  Seriously.

OOhhhh sorry, Magpie moment... back to the story...

The sweet Ivory Girl says she wants to play a game to get things kicked off, and make us more comfortable..... um...not so much...

She says she's going to ask a series of questions.  If we've actually DONE what she asks us, we are to stand and move over one chair.  If we HAVEN'T done what she's asking about, we stay in our seat...if we move over and someone is still sitting in the seat, we're to sit on their lap until we can move again..... Pretty simple concept really. 

It starts with a rather tame question.  "Have you ever "done it" outside?"  Everyone stands and moves over a seat to the right...."Have you ever done it in the shower?" again the whole troop stands and moves a seat over....the questions get progressively racier as I watch some women move, some stay in their seats.  Miss "L" and I are raising our eyebrows and laughing at each other when one of us moves over and the other doesn't... surprising what you learn about your close friends at a party like that....

I'm feeling rather adventurous for about a minute until the questions get a little more pointed. 
The fabulous Miss "L" and I are both sitting on someone's knee, giving each other the "WTF?!" look while we're watching one of her married friends move over seat after seat....

"Have you had a threesome?" over a seat... "Have you ever done it with an audience of more than 3?" Over she goes again... "Have you done it with large farm animals?"...  "A Camel?"  thump and thump goes her ass in the chair... OK - those las two weren't real questions, but they were sure as hell things I have and would never do....I swear to GOD I didn't think I was a huge prude, but this broad LAPPED us.... Should have been a pretty good indicator of where this evening is going....

What a weird scenario... the party hostess is telling us she's put various creams created to "enhance your experience" in the bathrooms for us to try... Um... Here we are in a room full of WOMEN... not sure anything's gonna enhance my experience there, but there was nearly a stampede heading in to the bathrooms to try this stuff, even though they still have to sit through half the demonstration if it works. 

She had dusting powders in all sorts of flavors, about a billion different varieties of vibrators, in all sorts of "fun" colors... and she explained that when vibrators were first being marketed out of China they had to make them appear to be a toy of some sort, so they would have faces or were made to resemble some sort of animal... and true to form, many of the vibrators she has are indeed disturbingly endowed with cutesy little garden gnome faces...

The martinis are flowing nicely as people loosen up and start to get a good laugh at some of the products being handed around the room... I have to say, I was enjoying the humor and anecdotes even though I'm in a room mostly full of strangers.  A good martini will do that for a girl....

The hostess hands around a latex thing that looks a lot like a kid's teething ring but when it gets to me, I have no idea how a figure 8 of thick latex should be used.... I'm holding it out, turning it over in my hands wondering what the hell it's for or if I'm holding it upside down, when the circus freak from before grabs it from me and does a little pantomime of how it fits on her husband, and I find myself hoping these demo tools are for display only..... 

As if things couldn't get any weirder, at about 8:00 the doorbell rings, and it's the freak's husband in the flesh!  I mean the house is full of women, the representative is explaining how the products are great for giving new moms or menopausal women their mojo back, and trying to keep things relatively professional, or at least as professional as you can when your clientelle is half in the bag and we're talking about what you do in the privacy of your own bedroom...

So when Hubby strolls in he basically does a full body clinch of his wife, and proceeds to look through the catalogue with her....

Her:  "OOOOH THAT one... We have that at home, and it's AMAZING.  Makes me scream like a banshee.  We've worn the nose off of THAT dolphin more than once, har har... oh and that one is even BETTER, especially with the cream that gets hot... I remember we got that when the neighbors down the street came over for a little visit.... Oh and THAT vibrator?  I got stopped at the airport and searched, because they thought it was some sort of nuclear missile when they saw it on the scanner.... remember honey?"

Him as he's thumbing through the catalogue:  "Got it, want it, want it...got it, got it...got that too, need it, want it...." He was all loud and proud discussing his junk... and I noticed as he got louder, the conversation in the rest of the party was dropping off and the martinis disappearing faster and faster.

These two culminated their performance by basically giving a full on dry hump on a trunk "Miss L" keeps in her kitchen... much to the horror of the one mom who'd come to accompany her daughter to the party... and Born Again, who is now swilling martini's with the rest of us....

I guess I am a WAY more straight laced girl than I thought I was.... I have to say, I was a little creeped out... OK - I'm lying, I was COMPLETELY creeped out... I mean these two are people I never wanted to have to picture nekkid!  but to get back to the whole I can't picture my mom selling sex toys angle, this woman is a mother to a teenage daughter who apparently found their whole arsenal of assault one day so she had to explain what they were... Glad I dodged THAT bullet...so here we are back to picturing my mom as a lumberjack...

Later....

Friday musings....

Since starting this whole blog thing, I've noticed getting my frustrations or ideas down "on paper" has been a real release for me.  It's a stress reliever, and I really should have been doing it for a very long time....

I told you at the very start of this adventure, A couple of years ago I jumped on the whole "Secret" bandwagon and had made a list of attributes I wanted in a future partner, and had gotten what I wanted.... except that apparently you get ONLY what you asked for...I guess writing stuff down is a good way to solidify your actual goals.  It forces you to focus on those things you want to have, but you better be careful what you wish for....

That woman who wrote The Secret says you have to send positive stuff out to the Universe in order for the Universe to hear and get your order right... She also says NOT to say what you don't want, because the Universe apparently isn't quite smart enough to understand what the word DON'T means...  Seems kinda strange to me, but maybe good help is hard to find....

Apparently the Universe has the same problems hiring as most fast food restaurants, because at McRonalds they can NEVER get that shit right... I mean, seriously... how hard can it be to put a different salad dressing in with one of their super-dee-duper good for you, not junk food at all salads...you know the ones... with bacon and the little envelope of dried yams and skittles to add to the tasteless bagged lettuce?

I can just picture some poor pimply faced kid who became an angel long before his time listening on a headset as you send your wishes out to the universe....

What you say:  "Universe I really, really want a bowl of popcorn"....

What comes through the crappy headset:  "Universe I really really want Ebola Unicorn".....Buddy looks at the other guy working with him and shrugs.... "Whatever blows your hair back, but we're fresh outta Unicorns... Ebola it is!" ...and next thing you know is you're bleeding from the eyeballs....

What I'm saying here is ENUNCIATE when you're sending in your order... and it might be a good idea to repeat it a couple of times to make sure they get that you want the ITALIAN not the RANCH with your order of tall, dark and handsome.... 

Later...