Shazam...and they're OFF!

Yesterday afternoon I decided to head out for a glass of wine and a catch up session with a girlfriend.  She is accomplished, really animated, smart, funny and cute as a button.  I'd tell you her real name, but you'd think it was a fake, so we'll call her Barbie... not because she reminds me of the doll, but because she reminds me of a Barbie I went to school with....

Barbie's back story is that she was married very young to a man who was much older than her.  They were married for over 20 years, but he just can't keep up with her.... they agreed to part ways when he determined he just wanted a companion rather than a wife...

She attended an offsite conference in Atlanta a couple of weeks ago... I have more than one story to share from that week she was away, but I thought I'd start with this one....

After a day of conferences,  Barbie and a couple of friends from work decide to go out for a drink and dinner.  One of these friends is a young married woman, and she tells Barbie "I can't go out with you.... I heard all the stories from last year... you're a BAD girl, and you're going to get me in trouble...."   Barbie is a consumate professional at her job, so keeps her alcohol intake limited when she's out for work functions especially, so she was a little offended.... I guess the younger woman ended up half in the bag and was comparing the size of the hands of the men at the table, and getting all excited over the size of their feet... apparently she has very tiny hands, and kept comparing her hands to theirs...

Barbie is getting a little tired of it, especially when the younger one says  "Wow!  Look at the size of Bob's FEET... you KNOW what that means?"  Barbie's quick witted response..."Ya... it means you're gonna have to use both hands..." 

Barbie loses interest in the whole discussion and strikes up a conversation with an older Scottish guy at the table with whom she enjoys a drink and some good conversation, but she tells me there's no real spark there at all.  When she decides she's had enough of Shoe Fettish girl, she thanks him for the drink he bought her, and tells him she's exhausted and needs to go to bed.

He says he's heading that way too, and offers to walk her to her room.  She says "I've had two hours sleep, I have told this guy how tired I am, and that he can walk me to my room but I'm not interested in sleeping with him, and I was crystal clear about that."... but he insists on being the galant gentleman and taking her up to her door.  When they get there, he asks if she would mind getting him a glass of water.  Apparently that loooooong walk up from the hotel bar has him completely parched....

She heads to the kitchen area of her suite to get him a bottle of water.... "I walked in to grab the water and a glass, and when I turn the corner to hand it to him, you'll never believe it...."  My response, as will be the response of many women who have had the same trick pulled on them is to say "He was naked."  She tells me yes, he's standing there doin' the full Monty in the middle of her room after being told he has zero chance of getting laid.....

I mean how does this happen... are his clothes put together with velcro so he can just rip them off in a single tug?  Does he say a magic word and they just fall to the floor?  Do slimy men practice that move until they shave seconds off their best time?  She says he couldn't have had more than a minute to get it all off... I guess putting them back on after she told him to get the Hell out took a little longer

I've had this same scenario happen to me... it was with a guy I had been "friends" with in high school... why the quotes?  Because I was the new girl at school in grade 12, and he was the captain of the football team.  He had time to talk to me if I knew the answer to a homework question, or if he needed help studying, but he was dating the most popular girl in school, so I didn't rate beyond that.  We ran into each other years later in a small city I had just moved to.  I had finished college and was working as a newscaster and reporter for a local radio station.

He had gone on to do great things with his career too... working in a second rate men's suit store as the assistant manager.  He was still counting on the fact that he was gonna be able to coast on the whole "I'm the quarterback" thing, but in reality, he wasn't looking nearly as good as he had in school, and I was meeting all sorts of cool people.  When he invited me to go out for a beer I accepted because I was genuinely looking forward to catching up as buddies.  We went to a noisy bar so when he suggested we go somewhere quieter I genuinely thought it was because we couldn't hear each other.  He told me his place wasn't far away from there, so why didn't we go have a glass of wine at his place and catch up, then he would take me home....

I agreed because of our history.  Even at 23 I was pretty cautious... Anyhoo, we walk in his bachelor pad.... and ... I guess the national suit store pays assistant managers even less than I was making in radio, which for anyone who has worked in the media knows is PATHETIC money...because his hip bachelor pad was a studio apartment with the bedroom/living/dining room combo and a separate bathroom about the size of a broom closet....

We enjoyed a glass of wine and a couple of anecdotes but the conversation was pretty halting, so I excused myself to go to the washroom in anticipation of going home... when I come out about 5 minutes later, if that, he's naked on the bed, patting the mattress beside him.... "Um... Buddy, what the HELL are you doing?" I say.  His response was something pretty rude as I recall about what we should be doing... "Ya.  That's NEVER going to happen."  He got up, dressed himself, and despite my saying I'd call a cab, he insisted on driving me home... I swear to God when we got to my house, he barely stopped the car... I thought he was going to tell me to tuck and roll....

I have been lucky enough to never run into him again, but I guess my friend Barbie ran into HER naked loser a few more times during the conference... how awkward.

What the hell goes through a guy's mind?!  I just don't get it... Women are built differently than men when it comes to sex, clearly, but when someone's told you they're not interested in getting busy, what is it that makes a guy think he still has a chance if he just displays his junk?....  I'm just trying to imagine that thought process.... I mean, what does he really think is gonna happen... she says "No." so he drops his drawers, and she's going to...what, exactly?... say "Wow!  Well since you put it THAT way, ok, let's go, sailor, I'm all yours!"... That only happens in cheesy porno movies...or so I'm told... 

In real life, obviously what she says and what he hears are two different things... is it because he's listening with his penis?  I mean, clearly the sound is going to be a little muffled if that's the case with all those layers of clothing in the way... especially if it's listening through the same headsets as McRonalds or the Universe....

Today's lesson? 

Ladies, if you're not going to sleep with a guy, DON'T invite him to your room, and DON'T go to his.

Guys, if a woman says she's not interested in getting busy with you, BELIEVE her.... you'll look way less like a knob if you accept that information with grace and she changes her mind and rips your clothing off than if you dismiss her assertions and are standing there being rejected with your parts all hanging out....

Later....