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Thursday, 21 April 2011

...and the winner IS....

OK - So today's bevvy of internet dating beauties for me to peruse was 7.  That sounds like a good crop of men to scrutinize, right?  Well, considering they all live several hours away, and because my last long distance relationship went oh-so-well for me, I'm really thinking that's not a good choice right away....

Is there seriously nobody who could be a potential match for me in this city of over a MILLION people?!  Really?  I'm not asking for a billionaire or super model, although that would definitely pique my interest.....especially if he were both, and could overlook the fact that I am neither.... but again, I'm getting off topic....

Because I had today off, I agreed to go to a party at a girlfriend's house last night on the total other side of town, with a bunch more girlfriends who make me laugh.  It was one of those parties where you go and drink wine and eat and then buy a bunch of crap you don't need because you feel guilty eating and drinking your girlfriend's booze and food.... Fortunately, I had one of those parties a couple of weeks ago, and some of the same girls were there, drinking my cocktails and eating my food.....so I chose NOT to buy a bunch of crap I didn't need, and didn't feel one tinge of guilt about eating or drinking.

I had shared this blog with a couple of them to see if it might be helpful to other people trying to find a partner who isn't looking for a 24 year old with child bearing hips to make him feel like a stud.... They brought up the blog at the party, so I had a gamut of opinions to sift through.... of course getting opinions on internet dating from women who are happily married to their soul mates...interject little hearts and smiley faces here... is something you have to take with a grain of salt... I mean... "You should just go with it and have fun."  or " If my husband died tomorrow, I would NEVER date again, and would be soooooo happy to sit around alone all the time in my pj's and vacation by myself.  Tra-la-la." Really isn't helpful.... Internet dating is just not fun.  You are interviewing candidates to take the job of partner in your firm.... the firm of you... which isn't so firm anymore if you catch my drift.....

There was one woman there who understood, having met her husband after three years of being on a site.... you know, the OTHER one that boasts more marriages per square inch than the one I'm on right now.... she was really sympathetic to my situation.  Her advice, was to join the site with the sex section. 

So, because I am facing a long weekend, with no date in sight, I thought I would re-visit my very first cherry blowing episode of internet dating in the hopes of giving some small piece of advice.... DO NOT talk to some guy for weeks and weeks over the internet chat sites without at least talking on the phone or skyping or something like that..... Here's why....

When I joined the site with the three sections, "Dating", "Relationship" and "Intimate Encounters", I elected to put a profile in the "Relationship" section.  I kinda figure that when you're over 40, and I was barely over 40 at the time, you are really not looking to date, and the "Intimate Encounters" I'm interested in, are with someone who's name I will actually remember in the morning.  I also chose not to converse with any of the men who had a profile in that section.

I met a guy on there, who had a very nice profile written up, and had a photo that was actually close enough and in focus so I could see his face.

He was a nice looking man, and had no spelling or grammar errors in his profile....so we began to chat... that first chat was a couple of hours of exchanging information about our lives...  We chatted virtually every night for about 6 weeks or so before deciding we should actually meet.  I had younger kids at home, so had to arrange to meet when they were with their father for an overnight, and because that was only every other weekend, it wasn't something easily arranged. 

When I chatted with him the night before we were to meet, I started to hear him differently.  Remember I told you I have that little inner voice that warns me when things are a little weird?  Well, I had full on, clanging alarm bells go off the night before we agreed to meet in person, when he told me he enjoyed talking with me because he was sometimes told he is "a little too in touch with his feminine side."  OMG!  "DANGER, DANGER..."

We decided to meet at a bar downtown....When he showed up, he was so shy he didn't open his mouth at first, and when he did, it was very evident that his feminine side was who he decided to bring to the party... it was absolutely beyond painful to find anything to talk about.  That is really something, because I can talk to nearly anyone for a couple of hours and feign interest in any topic rather convincingly... "Oh really?  You're into fly tying and dominoes...YAY  Which shall we talk about first?!"

Anyway, long story short, he walked me to my car and kissed me.  Not a little peck, but a full on tongue invasion.  It was basically the only time he opened his mouth all night...and It was, without question, the WORST kiss in the history of human existence.... All dry tongue and icky.  His had on the back of my neck so I couldn't escape. 

It was worse than kissing my own sister would be if she decided to give me a little action, I swear!   Being the person I am, I beat myself up after I got home, thinking... "You are such a BITCH... give the guy a chance."  So... because I'm a glutton for punishment, I agreed to go out with him again.  UGH!  It was just as bad, if not worse the second date.

I decided I had to tell him politely that I would rather stick pins in my eyes than ever kiss him again... ok I didn't say that, but did tell him I just felt there was no chance of any sort of "Intimate encounter" between us.  EVER. 

About a year later, he found and friended me on Facebook, I accepted the request because I felt guilty.... about a nanosecond later, he sent an IM, saying my life looked fun, and that he was happy I was doing well.... and that he wasn't doing so well, because I had become the one he compared all his dates for the past year against, and he hadn't found anyone he liked as much as me.... ugh... We had seen each other in person TWICE!  I didn't have the heart to tell him the reason he couldn't find the right woman, is because he should actually be looking for someone with a penis....

Anyway, the moral of the story, is if you meet someone you think is interesting online, agree to meet in some public place for a coffee or a drink so you can see if there's anything there, instead of corresponding for months like those stupid women who fall in love with guys on death row, but that's for another post....ok - kidding...

Later!

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