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Monday, 18 April 2011

62merlot-redwhine innaugural blog... a little background for ya....

K - So here we are at my innaugural blog.  I am NOT holding a glass of wine right now, but may have to grab one before the end of this initial post....

Here's your background.  I'm turning 49 in just a couple of months.  Oh yay!  I'm a menopausal single mom with all the things that come with middle age... saggy neck skin, cellulite, a muffin top, scars...and kids... who love to remind me about the saggy neck skin, cellulite and muffin top.  Oh good lord.... NOW I need that glass....

I'm  living in a city away from the rest of my family except my kids.  I hold a full time job where I have to at least pretend I have my shit together.  I have been divorced a very long time, but have had two relationships since.  I was with an alcoholic who was 9 years younger for 7 years, and then took a couple of years off to get therapy for being such an idiot for staying with an alcoholic for 7 years.  I needed to "find myself" and figure out exactly what it was I wanted in a partner...  I even made a list a la "The Secret"...and then I got exactly what I'd asked the universe for.


I fell madly in love with this guy....Stupid me, though, didn't do a complete list.  I didn't realize when I was looking for a middle aged man,  along with the usual crap about him having a sense of humor, to be caring and happy and secure and not a complete douche bag... Blah.. Blah.. Blah... I would have to add that he needed to have a past that included some sort of committment and a realistic view of HIS age not just mine....

"He" was transferred to a gorgeous foreign locale shortly after we began our relationship.... A total hardship for him being in a beautiful place with teriffic, world famous beaches and girls wearing not much more than dental floss. I'm sure there will be more on that later...so we tried a very long distance affair which after almost three years backfired on me. 

He is an IT guy, so I will use a Star Trek reference here. You see, he's a Vulcan and I'm a Betazoid.  Think Counselor Troi meets Mr. Spock. 

For any of you who missed the translation there, while he has a tremendously good heart, he barely admits he has feelings, let alone articulate them, although he did very well at the beginning.  My downfall is I feel way more than any normal human being should.....I needed far more than his bullet point emails could give me.  We really got along well in person, but I feel things and he thinks things through.

I was unaware we were having problems, until my wonderful father died Christmas day after a year long battle with cancer, and "He" chose to jettison me like bad baggage just two weeks and two days after.  He had all sorts of logical reasons why he chose to do it then, but OUCH. 

I know there's no good time to be dumped, but the timing was the kind of thing you reserve for someone you want to hate you....The icing on the cake?  Not only did he dump me, but he actually said the words "I have to consider if I want to start a family someday." Out loud.  He is 47 years old.  I was already in the fetal position on the floor before that little gut kick.  I mean for a woman, being over 45 is punshment enough with the night sweats, back fat and wrinkles... she really doesn't need to be reminded she's all dried up. 

I think men don't realize what that feels like, but they'd be every bit as offended if they were told at work they were "wonderful" but they were being laid off because management was looking for someone younger and more dynamic when they were 48 and had many good years ahead of them, right?  Well it is what it is, and he's gone.

My choices for a future aren't seeming all that appealing at the moment....

I am absolutely terrified of the prospect of letting down my guard again, disclosing personal information and hoping the guy doesn't cut and run immediately... and the thought of having to get naked for the first time with a man is really scary.  I keep my weight down, I exercise, I look ok in clothes, but naked is so... well...EXPOSED.  I used to have a kick ass body back in the day before kids and surgeries, but I am almost 50!

How does a woman my age navigate the world of the newly single?  Internet dating is it's own special Hell.... It makes you feel like a total loser most of the time, but it's a means to an end.  How else do you meet someone?  I've tried taking courses, blind dates and not turning down any social engagement, no matter how lame..... The alternative though, is to start buying the 100 cats right now.  You know, the ones who will eat me when I die alone, and they don't discover my body right away because nobody checked on me for a month....

I want to make sure you and I both understand, I'm not in a hurry.  I'm not looking for someone perfect, our baggage just needs to be manageable enough that it fits in one trunk, and we ALL have baggage, whether we're divorced, married or have stayed single... I am not a supermodel, and I don't expect one... however, I do at least attempt to look good, do some maintenance, and I wear make-up daily so I don't scare small children... At least not from a distance...I hope whoever I get matched with is the same kind of person....well, except for the make-up part.

I've decided to follow my therapist's advice and join a dating site.  I have avoided the really bad ones.. you know, the one that's free, and the other one that has a whole section for people looking for super kinky sex... While those two sites would supply endless anecdotes for this blog, I am just not sure I can stand wading through the freaks.... Although, to the guy who offered to clean my house in exchange for sniffing my used underwear, I will keep you in mind if my cleaning lady doesn't work out.... as long as I can stay as far away as will be stipulated in our no contact order....

I figure that at least if I blog about my experiences, every lousy date won't be a complete waste of time, but could rather be "research"...   Not sure I'm ready for this, but let's give it a shot!

later!

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