Profile Thesaurus

So the other day I had drinks with an old friend I hadn't seen in years.  It was fantastic to catch up with her.  She is just a great girl, who always has a smile on her face, but she's been through the same hardships we all have, so life is good but not perfect.  She's divorced and searching for her own version of Cute Guy.

She's been following my navigation of single life via this blog, and for some reason, she decided I could give her dating advice... Again, a phenomenon I am absolutely amazed by...

Like, seriously people... I've been extremely unhappily married and divorced, I'm a single mom, I moved in with an alcoholic, split up with him after staying 7, count 'em 7 years, and then fell for a guy who was moving 9000 miles away and STILL got tired of me...

So you want ME to give you dating advice?  Are you f-in kidding me?!... I'm certainly not a role model... I'm just a terrible warning of all the things not to do. 

I guess I can live with that....

Anyhow, she was asking me if I would help her write a dating profile.  I am happy to do that, because I've read a billion of them, and mine morphed over time to be the profile that captured CG's eye, so I will help where I can.

That got me thinking about what some of the things on a dating profile actually mean....

So... Here is a little glossary of how MEN define some of the words commonly used in a women's profiles:

Fun = Fat.
Funny = Fat.
Cute = Fat.
Curvy = Fat.
Happy = UGLY.
Intelligent = High Maintenance
Attractive = High Maintenance and Expensive
Independant = Bitchy
Average = Fat.

There are things women should know too though...If a guy says his body type is either "husky" or "A few extra pounds" he probably has to rent an extra seat when he flies. 

There are men who truly love big women, and so conversely there must be women who like heavy guys, but be honest and upfront about your size.  You don't have to talk about it, but at least have a picture that's an honest representation of you.  I know a woman who has herself listed as "Curvy" and then has a single profile shot of her face only that totally masks her size. 

She gets tons of responses to her ad and actually has a pretty um... busy... life... but my guess is a lot of that is because she also calls herself "Adventurous"...

When a woman reads "Adventurous" in a profile, that means a guy who likes to ride motorcycles and drive fast...

To a guy that word takes on a whole new meaning...She likes kinky sex... so for a guy to use the word in his profile can be a good thing... for women... Um... unless you really like being called "Mistress" you might want to avoid the word.

For men, if you say you're funny, happy and well adjusted, women will believe.. you are funny, happy and well adjusted.  If a MAN sees that in a woman's profile, he will believe she is ugly, fat and a compulsive liar....

Personally, I think the most important thing in a dating profile, is to be honest, but don't bash your ex or be negative... and for God's sake have someone ELSE take your profile shot so you at least LOOK like you have friends...


Later...