What a difference a few months can make!

So today I received a beautiful note from a friend I made in South America while I was dating “The Bachelor” long distance.  Getting her cute little note this morning sure got me thinking how different life can be in such a short time…. 

The last time we saw one another was in the airport in Rio de Janeiro.  She was with her family, getting ready to hop a plane to Florida for a vacation in Disney World. 

I was travelling home after having been unceremoniously dumped the night before by a man I trusted.  I managed to keep it together until his name came up… then I dissolved.  Not the Demi Moore, single tear, beautiful cry, but that ugly cry where you end up as nothing but a big ball of tears and snot ….The hugs she and her husband gave me in that airport, were a welcome kindness, even though I'm sure they had to change their jackets afterward.

14 months ago, I seriously thought I would never survive the pain from the loss of my dad, let alone losing the support of the man I thought had my back, just two weeks later, but the best thing he ever did for me was to leave me.

The slow realization he had been cheating on me when he announced his engagement to a woman from the country he'd been working in just a few months after dumping me, put icing on the cake.  Thing is, I don’t regret the time I spent in that relationship. I grew a lot during those years.

On the positive side, the Bachelor is very patient and has a gift for making people see their potential.  It’s a talent that makes him a great boss.  He helped me see what I was capable of achieving both professionally and personally.  He helped me see myself in a different light, and I am a far more confident woman because of the time I spent with him and alone during the 3 years we spent in a long distance romance. 

His gift to me is that I am now the happiest I’ve ever been in a relationship. Bar none.

While we have no doubt crossed paths a million times I know I never actually MET CG until that first internet date.  Even though we hung out at the same bars, and later lived in the same area of our city, I know, because if we had, there’s no doubt I would have fallen for him. 

I’m a sucker for that amazing combination of thick dark hair and blue/grey eyes, great smile and dimples.  His sense of humor would’ve sealed the deal.  We couldn’t have lasted though.  The younger version of me would have driven him nuts with my insecurities, and I would’ve eventually mistaken his self confidence for arrogance. 

I told him once I wouldn’t have appreciated the man he is if I’d met him when I was younger.  His response was “I wasn’t ME back then.”   I thought that was an astute point.  He has obviously changed and grown over the years as well.  He's gone through the breakup of a marriage, and raising children alone which has no doubt helped him grow as a person.

  Our 23 year old selves may not have fit together, but our 49 year old selves sure seem to fit like two puzzle pieces.  We GET each other.  We have spoken almost every day in the past 11 months, and have never run out of things to say.  He is the first person I want to share good news with, the one I need a hug from when things are tough, the best person to seek advice from, and is the only person I want to see naked.

I've heard him tell his daughter and son many times, "Don't marry a person you can see yourself growing old with, marry a person you can't picture living without."  I would change that a little because to me, it has a little desperation to it.  I would say "marry a person you don't WANT to live your life without." That implies a confidence and a choice to be together.  I would prefer to be with someone who WANTS to be with me to someone who can't be without me. 

I count myself lucky to walk beside a man who is generous, self confident and strong.  He has a good moral compass, and I would bet my left arm he woudn't cheat.  He is professionally successful, and personally comfortable in his own skin.  He strives to be a “good man”. 

Does that mean he’s perfect?  NO.  I don’t want perfect.  Perfect is boring.  I’ve said before, he’s just enough “bad boy” to keep me entertained, and our kids perpetually disgusted by the fact their parents are still… um… “active”…. And nothing could be more fun than making them squirm a little.

I don't WANT to live my life without him, and don't WANT to picture my life without him in it, but if he chose to leave me, or if I decided I needed a committment he wasn't able to give, I COULD, albeit unhappily. 

Am I perfect?  No… I just try to be grateful for all the lessons I’ve learned over the course of my life… and I try to be as charitable as possible…

I truly hope the now-reformed Bachelor gets everything he’s wished for in his new marriage… yup, all that, and THEN some… See, NOT perfect …

LATER…

Residue buildup

Ok so one of the super-duper things about dating in "mid-life" is figuring out how to deal with the residue of a past marriage or relationship.  Yours AND that of your partner.

I've been divorced a long time.  I haven't ever wished I'd put more effort into bailing to try to save that sinking ship.  I gave it my all for 10 years, and figured that was long enough to spend on something that was never going to change.   I couldn't afford to stay in the home my ex and I built, so my boys and I started in a crappy rental, and as my financial situation changed, we've moved up a few times to get to where we are, so we didn't get super attached to our houses.  Moving makes it easy to jettison a lot of residue. 

CG has been through a similar situation, but has been in his home for many years.  His kids were very small when he and his wife chose that home to raise their family in.  There is sentiment attached to many things there. 

I haven't asked CG to change.  Really.  He is perfect for me just the way he is.  I have really appreciated the fact he's made some changes to his home and his life in order to accomodate me, but it's not because I've insisted. 

It's funny how women seem to attach sentimental  feelings to things more than a man will.  CG sized his wedding ring down to fit his pinky and has worn it since his divorce.  He didn't attach any meaning to it other than the fact he liked the ring. 

I liked my wedding ring too.  It was a gorgeous gold band hand made by my ex-husband, so rather than selling the gold, I sent it to my beautiful step-daughter for a right hand ring.  I just thought she might like the fact that her father made it, I had worn it, and it was made with gold from several of my dad's tie pins... I would never have put it on to wear again, because it signified a negative time in my life. 

Anyhow, rather than magpie-ing the way women will,  some time ago I asked CG if there was any significance to his wearing the ring.  He assured me there wasn't but I guess my asking got him thinking.  Last night he asked me if I noticed how much he's growing and changing... I said I had noticed a lot of things he'd done recently... Then he said, "Did you notice my hand?".  I hadn't noticed he wasn't wearing his ring....

His removing that ring meant a great deal to me.   He did it of his own accord, not at my insistance or suggestion, so it means so much more.  


That's the difference between the me I am now, and the me I was at 27.  When he told me there was no longer significance to the ring for him, I'd taken him at his word, and moved on.   Back then, I'd have shredded myself into a ball worrying about what wearing that ring meant, or why he had photos of his ex in his yearly albums or whatever else.  How do I know?  Because that's how old I was when I became a second wife... tough gig being second wife during my first marriage... 

The me I am now, realizes when he reminisces about his first significant girlfriend, or smiles at an old memory, it's ok.  I do the same thing from time to time.  It doesn't mean I'd go back to that person if they showed up on my doorstep, and more significantly, I don't feel threatened that HE would either.  I love my life now.  I love this man now, and I like myself way better than I did at 27.  CG and I are who we are now, because of the experiences we had in our life up until this moment. 

So... I'd like to acknowledge all the other women he's had relationships with.  That doesn't mean I want to meet them and become BFF's.  It also doesn't mean I won't feel a twinge if I meet them and they're prettier or skinnier than me. 

I don't have to like it when I know he's reminiscing about his time with another woman, but I appreciate the man he's become because of his relationships with them.  Most significantly his ex wife... She, more than any other ex, helped to shape him into the man I love. 

Like my ex, she left some permanent and very positive residue... beautiful kids.  Our children are living proof that we both lived and loved before.   Don't get me wrong..there are days I'd like MY 21 and 19 year old "residue" to get school finished, move out and start their adult lives, but they're the sort of residue I hope keeps coming back...  To VISIT....

Later...

I'm so thankful it's nauseating. Really.

I realize writing when life is really good is probably way less engaging than when my life sucks and I have a big, fat target on my back, but my life these days is just how I hoped it could be.  I realize I’ve had my teeth kicked out and handed to me more than once, but instead of waiting for that to happen, I’m enjoying what life has become.  For the first time in my life, I’m feeling secure.  

Yesterday, I discovered a great song writer.  Shazam-ed a song in the middle of Michaels’ Craft store… hadn’t heard it before, and just fell in love with the guy’s voice.  The song is called “My Favorite” by Gabe Dixon.  It just caught my heart, and expresses pretty succinctly how I feel… that led to feeding my iTunes addiction in purchasing the whole CD… which has quickly become my favorite playlist.  Yes, I’m sentimental as hell… and found myself in tears more than oncelistening to “Even the Rain”, just absolutely overwhelmed by my good fortune.  So here’s my plug for the day… go to iTunes, and listen to this guy. 

I think having lived through absolute Hell a year ago has given me a new perspective.  That hell started in October, when my father was diagnosed as having terminal cancer.  We thought he’d beaten it, but it came back with a vengeance, putting him and my family into a world of hurt, with the crescendo Christmas Day when my dad left us.   When my relationship ended just two weeks after my dad’s death, I think I was about as low as I could get.  I couldn’t see how there could possibly be an end to the pain…

Slowly, though, things started to get better… I’d started seeing a counselor earlier in the year when I recognized my then boyfriend and I had some communication issues.  She realized long before I did that relationship was a dead horse, and I was wasting my time.  She also realized I was ready to have someone in my life who saw my value, and would appreciate my nature.  She knew I had to mourn not just my dad, but the death of my long distance relationship, so she led me through that dark place and encouraged me to look forward.

When she decided I needed to “get out there” in April, I thought she was crazy.  I didn’t feel ready, but she could see the rust had begun falling from my heart, and it was time to feel again.  She assigned homework.  I was to join a dating site and get out there into the land of the living again.  I did what she asked with a great deal of trepidation and dark humor.  I hated every second of being online, but started a dialogue with about 3 or 4 men with whom I seemed to have something in common, but the “fit” just wasn’t there. 

Then I came across a profile that had something in it I found interesting way beyond the one photo of a smiling dark haired man.  I generally didn’t make first contact with anyone online, but with him I chose to send a “wink”… basically a lamo little notification that I’d found his profile interesting.  

He wrote me an articulate, warm email about a week later.  Just long enough that I’d given up on hearing from him, so it was a pleasant surprise.  We exchanged a couple of emails back and forth, and then decided to meet.  We’d both been through a few disastrous meet and greets, so neither of us was expecting to have things go well... but they did. 

Our timing was interesting... that first meeting took place on Friday the 13th.  Turns out it was a pretty lucky day for me.  The instant I saw "CG" as he’s become known, I just knew this date, at least, was going to be fun.  3.5 hours later, when he realized he had to go rescue his poor cats who were tethered in his back yard, I think we knew we had potential.  I was absolutely sure I wanted to spend a lot more time with him. 

We have spoken on the phone, texted and/or seen each other every day since, and every single day, I can’t wait to hear his voice or see him.  He is the first person I want to call to share good news with, and he’s who I turn to for advice or a laugh.  He gets me.  I get him.   It’s good.  As good as it gets.

This Sunday we will have our 5th Biweekly Sunday dinner as a "family".  We all just seem to fit.  As much as I wish our weekends lasted much longer, I look forward to those Sunday afternoons.  We’ve had small dinners with as few as 5 of us, but the last two have been much larger… our kids like each other, and have started to bring their friends along to enjoy a good meal and conversation. 

CG and I sit there like parents do, enjoying the fact that our kids, his neice and friends are there, enjoying the banter, the laughter and stories… the best part, is they have all expressed how they want to start eating together EVERY Sunday.  CG figures they want to spend time with each other, and we just happen to provide the food and location, but being a big suck, I like to believe they enjoy the time with us too…

I know our kids are happy to see us happy.  My oldest told me the other day, that he really likes the feeling of family and belonging.  I couldn’t have said it better myself.  One day, I look forward to having my step kids from my marriage and their partners and children there to join us.

Why do I deserve this any more than my beautiful girlfriends who are still out there trying to find the place they belong?  I don’t.  I realize how fortunate I’ve been.  I hope with all my heart that each and every one of them will find what I have right now.  I hope, too, that CG and I are able to keep the momentum going.  I simply love this man.  I have never felt so cared for, and I’m truly 100% happy for the first time ever.
Later….

The Brady Bunch...

Blending families is an interesting thing... it can be very rewarding depending on the people involved.

I can say I've been involved in family blending in a couple of different ways, and for me, it's been pretty great for the most part.  When I met my ex husband, he was a divorced father of two.  I met him at a bar, while I was out with a stunning girlfriend... you know the kind... the one who makes every man's head turn when she enters a room, rendering me invisible.  Part of the allure of my ex, was that he came over and asked me to dance after chatting with her a while... she was shocked that someone would choose me over her, and I think that was part of the bloom on that rose... that he actually noticed me.... the fact that he was a fantastic dancer helped too...

While we turned out not to be a good partnership, he gave me some of the best gifts I've ever had... my two sons, and my step-son and step-daughter.  I've spoken about the step kids and kids before, but my relationship and the relationship of my family to them is of interest here.  My parents accepted my 6 year old step son and 4 year old step daughter as though they wer their own grandchildren.  That's a model I plan to follow.  Family is important, and to me, whether other people's kids come into my life through blood, marriage or relationship, it's my job to be supportive and loving.  A soft place to fall, an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on.  In essence, I have always tried to treat my step kids the way I would want them treated should my ex remarry.

The other very important part of making a blended family work, is to respect the other parents involved.... I have been extremely fortunate there as well.  The woman who was my ex-husband's first wife, has been a tremendous asset to my boys' lives.  She facilitated a relationship between my sons and their siblings.  That was the coolest act of kindness.  She didn't have to do that, but recognized how important family is, despite our differences... it's hard being a second wife.  There is always the spectre of the first wife there, but she modelled a wonderful example.  She chose to accept my kids as the siblings to hers, without judgement.  How classy!

In my current relationship, CG has two beautiful kids. A daughter and son.  They're smart, funny, articulate and kind.  They're kids he can be proud to say he raised.  We have that in common.  Our kids aren't perfect, but are certainly good people, and somehow we all seem to fit.  When we spend time with the kids, we laugh, interact and talk and it's good.  We've even started having family dinners together every other Sunday.

I enjoy every minute I'm given to spend with his kids, and we genuinely like each other... I get to spend good estrogen time with his daughter, and his son fits right in with my two clowns... My boys genuinely like CG, and best of all, our kids like each other!   Ok the fact that CG and I are in love with each other, and show respect for one another doesn't hurt either... life is very good.

The point I need to make about respecting the other parent, is I know there has to be something wonderful about CG's ex-wife.  I see CG so much in his children... The amazing people they are, is in a big way due to him as their custodial parent, but their mother contributed half the DNA to make them who they are. While they live with him, they look forward to the time they spend with her and with her family.  Let's face it the man I love saw enough in her to choose her as his life partner, even though that wasn't to be.  Because I trust the judgements he makes, I trust his choice was based on something special he saw in her.  Looking at things that way helps keep things in perspective. 

She and he ended, just as my ex and I did... it happens...  They have remained cordial just as my ex and I have.  The fact is, that's what's best for our children, and it causes way less drama for us.

I have also been on the other side of the coin.  My ex-husband had a girlfriend for about seven years after we split up.  I remained respectful of her and her time with him.  I never called him unless there was an emergency.  I ensured she got a nice Christmas gift from the boys, and that they treated her with respect as well.  There was a chance she could end up being their step mom, and I knew how that felt.

Not everything has been easy in my step, or ex relationships though...While I have remained quite friendly with my ex, and with one of his sisters, my ex parents in law never did care for me. They're born again, while I'm baptized but non practicing Catholic, and the fact that my ex husband had the first divorce in the family when he and his first wife split was very hard on them and the rest of the family... They really liked her, and I was very different in some ways.  I wasn't really ever given the chance to be accepted, and that's rolled down to affect my kids, and their contact with their paternal grandparents.   While I'm not perfect, I would never have kept my sons from their family, had there been any overatures made.  I will never understand the lack of contact.  I tried to set the ball rolling, even having the whole ex family over the day after Christmas about 7 years ago.

I hope later in life, I get to see I've done the legwork to let the people in my life know I love them.  That I have been the sort of grandparent my parents were to my nephews, my kids and step kids, and their kids....and that I have given them enough modeling to carry on that legacy. I hope too, that I was kind enough that my kids, grand kids and step kids think enough of me to put me in a NICE home... one with a pool and pretty yard boys would be great!

better late than...

later....

Estrogen...what a beautiful drug....

I have to say, as a single mother to two very very male boys, I love getting a little estrogen fix every now and then...

When I married my ex husband, he had a 6 year old boy and a 4 year old girl.  They were such beautiful little kids, I fell in love with them over our first weekend visit.  The boy was adorable, with thick dark hair and the sweetest smile.  He was a little more shy than his sister, who was the most beautiful little girl I have ever seen.  She had long wavy blonde hair and the most gorgeous big blue eyes... she was a little princess for sure... she knew just how to bat her eyes to get what she wanted... and since my parents had 5 grandsons and no granddaughters she had my parents, especially my father, wrapped around her cute little finger....

She and I were often left to our own devices because my ex would be off "male bonding" with his son, so I got to have a little estrogen fix with her... generally that meant heading off to the beach, baking, doing her hair, or playing with makeup...  All the things I didn't get to do with my boys.... She has remained my only "daughter" since the demise of my marriage, and my introduction to those two kids remains one of the bright spots of that time in my life.  My beautiful step children are now in their mid 20's and my "daughter" has kids of her own now.  Sadly, she lives 1200 miles from me, so we haven't seen each other in a while....

I told you my parents had 5 grandsons... well with the addition of my step-son and then my two boys the number grew to 8....As you might imagine, I have learned not to react at the sight of spiders, snakes or lizzards and will happily hold almost any of the above... I draw the line at worms... Those little bastards are just obscene. Shudddddddder....

Even exposed to all that testosterone, I still have trouble with the sight of blood, especially when coupled with a blood curdling scream and trips to the hospital due to the latest skate boarding incident.... There are a few goodies I can share, but will save those for another day.

My mom never really was into make-up or fashion, and neither were my sisters so we didn't do a lot of girly bonding...I'm not sure you've gotten this from me so far, but I'm a real girly-girl in some ways. 

 I love to wear pretty things, and I freaking hear ANGELS singing when I go into one of those make-up specialty stores...I get sucked in to all the cutesy little boxes and packaging make-up comes in too... I have more gift with purchase eyeshadows and lipsticks than should be allowed by law, and I get all excited at the little mini samples you can try.  I swear to GOD I would live in one of those places if they'd let me.

 I've had my hair almost every color they make.  I've had it long enough to sit on and short like a boy, I've had bobs and shag cuts, and have even had hair extensions.  I was a hair model in my youth, and even did a couple of fashion shows to model clothes.  That whole girly world is heaven to me. 

Sadly, my boys don't share the passion.  They used to love having their finger nails painted when they were under 3, and I do have to keep an eye on my diamond earrings because they both have their ears pierced, but other than the occasional blue clay masque, or hair highlights, they really aren't into anything like that.... sigh.... Don't get me wrong.  I love men, and love hanging around with men.  I love to play catch or go to the car or bike shows,  I love hanging out with my boys to watch a good blood and guts horror movie. I even like to fish as long as I'M not expected to take the hook out of the fish or bash the poor thing to kill it...Ok or even to touch the slimy little buggers.  Seriously?  That's just revolting, all that cold slimy-ness, and the smell it leaves on your hands is...well... EEEEEW!...

There are just times I just want to do things that involve less scratching and farting.

CG has a 17 year old daughter who also grew up in a testosterone filled domicile, so I'm hoping she and I might get to do a few little girly things in future while he's hangin' with the boys...

I know she has a mom, and so I am not at all interested in stepping on those toes.  I just hope she's open to a little estrogen intervention every now and again.  I won't tell her I can beat at least one of my kids in a belching contest any day of the week... then again, growing up in a primarily male household she may give me a run for my money...

Later...

A little High Maintenance....

My gorgeous, talented and amazing friend, the fabulous Miss "L", is one of those women you want to dislike because she is still breathtakingly beautiful at 49, has amazing fashion sense, a smile to kill for and is just the most gorgeous thing.  The problem with disliking her is that she's just so....well.... loveable. 

My favorite thing about her, is while she is stunning, she is also really, really smart.  She will play up her beautiful, blonde, Barbie-doll looks and allow someone to assume she's not all that bright.  She'll bait them for a bit ...and then SLAM.  She'll latch on to something they said, and come back with a brilliant zinger.  Oftentimes the receiving person has the most priceless stunned look because they just didn't see her coming. 

"L" is a beautiful soul, but she recognizes that at our age, a little upkeep may be necessary to stay looking your best.  At least if you weren't born with the wonderful genetics of Demi Moore, who...hahahahahaha... hasn't done "anything" to look so great... RIGHT!

At nearly 50, we commiserate over that 15 pounds that wants to creep on, muffin tops or backfat or how our skin has changed... We both work at trying to be the best 49 we can be, but the fact remains our best body days are behind us.  I find talking with her about all of this is a relief because I think she's stunning... and she's facing the same crap as I am.

This being "middle aged" is a weird time for a woman... you slowly become invisible. That's changing with the women in the entertainment business... I mean, look at the women on shows like Desperate Housewives. They are changing the face of the middle aged woman... but how does the average person compete with that? Well, my friends, I'm going to tell you, without a personal trainer, make-up artist, cook and amazing plastic surgeon it ain't gonna be easy... I'm not gonna lie, I am NOT going to just lie down and let nature take its' course with my looks, but I want to age a la Helen Miren or Sophia Loren NOT like Joan Rivers.

I am happy with me, but I will do the little tweaks to keep myself looking as good as I possibly can.  Miss "L" feels the same way.  She is married to a great guy, has three beautiful kids.  I'm single and dating, but our reasons are the same.  It's not done to make some man feel better about us, we want to feel good about ourselves.

"L" and I try very hard to keep our weight reasonable, and we do what we can to maintain our look to be current but appropriate for a 50 year old who doesn't want to look matronly...

right now I am over my magical high weight limit, so I'm back on my annual diet.  UGH!  I love salad, but GOD giving up the wine and all the yummy croutons sucks.  Frankly, though, to fit in my clothes without having to test the spandex stretch limit would feel fantastic.  BTW - in my personal opinion, there should be a weight limit for wearing spandex leggings... if you're above a size 0 back away from the short shirts and leggings people... Oops, sorry, magpie moment there....

Another thing both "L" and I have discussed at length is the value of a good dermatologist..... We have both done a couple of little tweaks... my thing is Juviderm, she likes Botox... both are fairly non-invasive, but give us that little oomph we need to pass a mirror and not shudder at what we see...That is, if we've gotten our sleep the night before, and are having a good hair day.

Today's lesson is for people who love to be a little subversive....

Listen, if you're comfortable in your skin, that's all that matters, and I'll have your back.  I'm completely onboard with you if you feel you don't need to do anything to maintain yourself and you're happy with how your body is dealing with middle age... seriously... but making snotty cracks about how "lucky" I am to be able to wear clothes in the size I do is not cool.  I'm not "lucky".  I have to work to keep myself within that 15 pound window. Trust me, if I were given the choice, I would be on a diet that consisted of Italian ciabatta bread with unsalted butter, full fat dairy products wine, beer and chocolate....

If you want to wear a smaller size, start by choosing to put less in your mouth.  Don't be chowing down on sliders and sweet potato fries pretending they're a healthier choice, watching your skinny girlfriend eating a salad with dressing on the side, telling her she's "lucky".  We all make choices.

Another little trick I've had played on me, is for a "friend" to disclose MY choices when someone compliments me to say I don't look my age.  Why is it necessary to jump in and say... "Well, she's had EVERYTHING done."  Really?  WTF is that?  I certainly have not had "everything" done, TRUST me.  I still have to buy clothes with the boobs built in, and my freaking bra could hold up the titanic with all the buoyant padding I have to have to make me look female.  The woman in question is more than 5 years younger and very attractive, but had a nose job years ago... how do you suppose she'd like it if I brought that up in casual conversation? 

"Gee - you are so beautiful"

Her:  "Thank-you!"

Me: "Ya - She's pretty now, but you should have seen her with the schnoz she had 10 YEARS ago...."

It's so great to have girlfriends.  Some you need to give you a good ass kicking when you deserve it, and some to support you in a more nurturing way when you're licking your wounds.  If you're as fortunate as I am, you have some girlfriends who are capable of both... You're old  enough to jettison the "frenemies" who try to subtly sabotage your self esteem, and wise enough to differentiate between the diamonds and the turds. 

Anyhow, my dear friend "L" and I will continue to support each other through this time of change in our bodies and skin... thank GOD.  I only wish she lived closer so she could tell me if I start to sprout some whisker I can't see because my close up vision is going too... mind you, I still have that fantastic set of friends who will only allow me to have spinach in my teeth for a little while before telling me....

Later...