What a difference a few months can make!

So today I received a beautiful note from a friend I made in South America while I was dating “The Bachelor” long distance.  Getting her cute little note this morning sure got me thinking how different life can be in such a short time…. 

The last time we saw one another was in the airport in Rio de Janeiro.  She was with her family, getting ready to hop a plane to Florida for a vacation in Disney World. 

I was travelling home after having been unceremoniously dumped the night before by a man I trusted.  I managed to keep it together until his name came up… then I dissolved.  Not the Demi Moore, single tear, beautiful cry, but that ugly cry where you end up as nothing but a big ball of tears and snot ….The hugs she and her husband gave me in that airport, were a welcome kindness, even though I'm sure they had to change their jackets afterward.

14 months ago, I seriously thought I would never survive the pain from the loss of my dad, let alone losing the support of the man I thought had my back, just two weeks later, but the best thing he ever did for me was to leave me.

The slow realization he had been cheating on me when he announced his engagement to a woman from the country he'd been working in just a few months after dumping me, put icing on the cake.  Thing is, I don’t regret the time I spent in that relationship. I grew a lot during those years.

On the positive side, the Bachelor is very patient and has a gift for making people see their potential.  It’s a talent that makes him a great boss.  He helped me see what I was capable of achieving both professionally and personally.  He helped me see myself in a different light, and I am a far more confident woman because of the time I spent with him and alone during the 3 years we spent in a long distance romance. 

His gift to me is that I am now the happiest I’ve ever been in a relationship. Bar none.

While we have no doubt crossed paths a million times I know I never actually MET CG until that first internet date.  Even though we hung out at the same bars, and later lived in the same area of our city, I know, because if we had, there’s no doubt I would have fallen for him. 

I’m a sucker for that amazing combination of thick dark hair and blue/grey eyes, great smile and dimples.  His sense of humor would’ve sealed the deal.  We couldn’t have lasted though.  The younger version of me would have driven him nuts with my insecurities, and I would’ve eventually mistaken his self confidence for arrogance. 

I told him once I wouldn’t have appreciated the man he is if I’d met him when I was younger.  His response was “I wasn’t ME back then.”   I thought that was an astute point.  He has obviously changed and grown over the years as well.  He's gone through the breakup of a marriage, and raising children alone which has no doubt helped him grow as a person.

  Our 23 year old selves may not have fit together, but our 49 year old selves sure seem to fit like two puzzle pieces.  We GET each other.  We have spoken almost every day in the past 11 months, and have never run out of things to say.  He is the first person I want to share good news with, the one I need a hug from when things are tough, the best person to seek advice from, and is the only person I want to see naked.

I've heard him tell his daughter and son many times, "Don't marry a person you can see yourself growing old with, marry a person you can't picture living without."  I would change that a little because to me, it has a little desperation to it.  I would say "marry a person you don't WANT to live your life without." That implies a confidence and a choice to be together.  I would prefer to be with someone who WANTS to be with me to someone who can't be without me. 

I count myself lucky to walk beside a man who is generous, self confident and strong.  He has a good moral compass, and I would bet my left arm he woudn't cheat.  He is professionally successful, and personally comfortable in his own skin.  He strives to be a “good man”. 

Does that mean he’s perfect?  NO.  I don’t want perfect.  Perfect is boring.  I’ve said before, he’s just enough “bad boy” to keep me entertained, and our kids perpetually disgusted by the fact their parents are still… um… “active”…. And nothing could be more fun than making them squirm a little.

I don't WANT to live my life without him, and don't WANT to picture my life without him in it, but if he chose to leave me, or if I decided I needed a committment he wasn't able to give, I COULD, albeit unhappily. 

Am I perfect?  No… I just try to be grateful for all the lessons I’ve learned over the course of my life… and I try to be as charitable as possible…

I truly hope the now-reformed Bachelor gets everything he’s wished for in his new marriage… yup, all that, and THEN some… See, NOT perfect …

LATER…

Residue buildup

Ok so one of the super-duper things about dating in "mid-life" is figuring out how to deal with the residue of a past marriage or relationship.  Yours AND that of your partner.

I've been divorced a long time.  I haven't ever wished I'd put more effort into bailing to try to save that sinking ship.  I gave it my all for 10 years, and figured that was long enough to spend on something that was never going to change.   I couldn't afford to stay in the home my ex and I built, so my boys and I started in a crappy rental, and as my financial situation changed, we've moved up a few times to get to where we are, so we didn't get super attached to our houses.  Moving makes it easy to jettison a lot of residue. 

CG has been through a similar situation, but has been in his home for many years.  His kids were very small when he and his wife chose that home to raise their family in.  There is sentiment attached to many things there. 

I haven't asked CG to change.  Really.  He is perfect for me just the way he is.  I have really appreciated the fact he's made some changes to his home and his life in order to accomodate me, but it's not because I've insisted. 

It's funny how women seem to attach sentimental  feelings to things more than a man will.  CG sized his wedding ring down to fit his pinky and has worn it since his divorce.  He didn't attach any meaning to it other than the fact he liked the ring. 

I liked my wedding ring too.  It was a gorgeous gold band hand made by my ex-husband, so rather than selling the gold, I sent it to my beautiful step-daughter for a right hand ring.  I just thought she might like the fact that her father made it, I had worn it, and it was made with gold from several of my dad's tie pins... I would never have put it on to wear again, because it signified a negative time in my life. 

Anyhow, rather than magpie-ing the way women will,  some time ago I asked CG if there was any significance to his wearing the ring.  He assured me there wasn't but I guess my asking got him thinking.  Last night he asked me if I noticed how much he's growing and changing... I said I had noticed a lot of things he'd done recently... Then he said, "Did you notice my hand?".  I hadn't noticed he wasn't wearing his ring....

His removing that ring meant a great deal to me.   He did it of his own accord, not at my insistance or suggestion, so it means so much more.  


That's the difference between the me I am now, and the me I was at 27.  When he told me there was no longer significance to the ring for him, I'd taken him at his word, and moved on.   Back then, I'd have shredded myself into a ball worrying about what wearing that ring meant, or why he had photos of his ex in his yearly albums or whatever else.  How do I know?  Because that's how old I was when I became a second wife... tough gig being second wife during my first marriage... 

The me I am now, realizes when he reminisces about his first significant girlfriend, or smiles at an old memory, it's ok.  I do the same thing from time to time.  It doesn't mean I'd go back to that person if they showed up on my doorstep, and more significantly, I don't feel threatened that HE would either.  I love my life now.  I love this man now, and I like myself way better than I did at 27.  CG and I are who we are now, because of the experiences we had in our life up until this moment. 

So... I'd like to acknowledge all the other women he's had relationships with.  That doesn't mean I want to meet them and become BFF's.  It also doesn't mean I won't feel a twinge if I meet them and they're prettier or skinnier than me. 

I don't have to like it when I know he's reminiscing about his time with another woman, but I appreciate the man he's become because of his relationships with them.  Most significantly his ex wife... She, more than any other ex, helped to shape him into the man I love. 

Like my ex, she left some permanent and very positive residue... beautiful kids.  Our children are living proof that we both lived and loved before.   Don't get me wrong..there are days I'd like MY 21 and 19 year old "residue" to get school finished, move out and start their adult lives, but they're the sort of residue I hope keeps coming back...  To VISIT....

Later...

I'm so thankful it's nauseating. Really.

I realize writing when life is really good is probably way less engaging than when my life sucks and I have a big, fat target on my back, but my life these days is just how I hoped it could be.  I realize I’ve had my teeth kicked out and handed to me more than once, but instead of waiting for that to happen, I’m enjoying what life has become.  For the first time in my life, I’m feeling secure.  

Yesterday, I discovered a great song writer.  Shazam-ed a song in the middle of Michaels’ Craft store… hadn’t heard it before, and just fell in love with the guy’s voice.  The song is called “My Favorite” by Gabe Dixon.  It just caught my heart, and expresses pretty succinctly how I feel… that led to feeding my iTunes addiction in purchasing the whole CD… which has quickly become my favorite playlist.  Yes, I’m sentimental as hell… and found myself in tears more than oncelistening to “Even the Rain”, just absolutely overwhelmed by my good fortune.  So here’s my plug for the day… go to iTunes, and listen to this guy. 

I think having lived through absolute Hell a year ago has given me a new perspective.  That hell started in October, when my father was diagnosed as having terminal cancer.  We thought he’d beaten it, but it came back with a vengeance, putting him and my family into a world of hurt, with the crescendo Christmas Day when my dad left us.   When my relationship ended just two weeks after my dad’s death, I think I was about as low as I could get.  I couldn’t see how there could possibly be an end to the pain…

Slowly, though, things started to get better… I’d started seeing a counselor earlier in the year when I recognized my then boyfriend and I had some communication issues.  She realized long before I did that relationship was a dead horse, and I was wasting my time.  She also realized I was ready to have someone in my life who saw my value, and would appreciate my nature.  She knew I had to mourn not just my dad, but the death of my long distance relationship, so she led me through that dark place and encouraged me to look forward.

When she decided I needed to “get out there” in April, I thought she was crazy.  I didn’t feel ready, but she could see the rust had begun falling from my heart, and it was time to feel again.  She assigned homework.  I was to join a dating site and get out there into the land of the living again.  I did what she asked with a great deal of trepidation and dark humor.  I hated every second of being online, but started a dialogue with about 3 or 4 men with whom I seemed to have something in common, but the “fit” just wasn’t there. 

Then I came across a profile that had something in it I found interesting way beyond the one photo of a smiling dark haired man.  I generally didn’t make first contact with anyone online, but with him I chose to send a “wink”… basically a lamo little notification that I’d found his profile interesting.  

He wrote me an articulate, warm email about a week later.  Just long enough that I’d given up on hearing from him, so it was a pleasant surprise.  We exchanged a couple of emails back and forth, and then decided to meet.  We’d both been through a few disastrous meet and greets, so neither of us was expecting to have things go well... but they did. 

Our timing was interesting... that first meeting took place on Friday the 13th.  Turns out it was a pretty lucky day for me.  The instant I saw "CG" as he’s become known, I just knew this date, at least, was going to be fun.  3.5 hours later, when he realized he had to go rescue his poor cats who were tethered in his back yard, I think we knew we had potential.  I was absolutely sure I wanted to spend a lot more time with him. 

We have spoken on the phone, texted and/or seen each other every day since, and every single day, I can’t wait to hear his voice or see him.  He is the first person I want to call to share good news with, and he’s who I turn to for advice or a laugh.  He gets me.  I get him.   It’s good.  As good as it gets.

This Sunday we will have our 5th Biweekly Sunday dinner as a "family".  We all just seem to fit.  As much as I wish our weekends lasted much longer, I look forward to those Sunday afternoons.  We’ve had small dinners with as few as 5 of us, but the last two have been much larger… our kids like each other, and have started to bring their friends along to enjoy a good meal and conversation. 

CG and I sit there like parents do, enjoying the fact that our kids, his neice and friends are there, enjoying the banter, the laughter and stories… the best part, is they have all expressed how they want to start eating together EVERY Sunday.  CG figures they want to spend time with each other, and we just happen to provide the food and location, but being a big suck, I like to believe they enjoy the time with us too…

I know our kids are happy to see us happy.  My oldest told me the other day, that he really likes the feeling of family and belonging.  I couldn’t have said it better myself.  One day, I look forward to having my step kids from my marriage and their partners and children there to join us.

Why do I deserve this any more than my beautiful girlfriends who are still out there trying to find the place they belong?  I don’t.  I realize how fortunate I’ve been.  I hope with all my heart that each and every one of them will find what I have right now.  I hope, too, that CG and I are able to keep the momentum going.  I simply love this man.  I have never felt so cared for, and I’m truly 100% happy for the first time ever.
Later….

The Brady Bunch...

Blending families is an interesting thing... it can be very rewarding depending on the people involved.

I can say I've been involved in family blending in a couple of different ways, and for me, it's been pretty great for the most part.  When I met my ex husband, he was a divorced father of two.  I met him at a bar, while I was out with a stunning girlfriend... you know the kind... the one who makes every man's head turn when she enters a room, rendering me invisible.  Part of the allure of my ex, was that he came over and asked me to dance after chatting with her a while... she was shocked that someone would choose me over her, and I think that was part of the bloom on that rose... that he actually noticed me.... the fact that he was a fantastic dancer helped too...

While we turned out not to be a good partnership, he gave me some of the best gifts I've ever had... my two sons, and my step-son and step-daughter.  I've spoken about the step kids and kids before, but my relationship and the relationship of my family to them is of interest here.  My parents accepted my 6 year old step son and 4 year old step daughter as though they wer their own grandchildren.  That's a model I plan to follow.  Family is important, and to me, whether other people's kids come into my life through blood, marriage or relationship, it's my job to be supportive and loving.  A soft place to fall, an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on.  In essence, I have always tried to treat my step kids the way I would want them treated should my ex remarry.

The other very important part of making a blended family work, is to respect the other parents involved.... I have been extremely fortunate there as well.  The woman who was my ex-husband's first wife, has been a tremendous asset to my boys' lives.  She facilitated a relationship between my sons and their siblings.  That was the coolest act of kindness.  She didn't have to do that, but recognized how important family is, despite our differences... it's hard being a second wife.  There is always the spectre of the first wife there, but she modelled a wonderful example.  She chose to accept my kids as the siblings to hers, without judgement.  How classy!

In my current relationship, CG has two beautiful kids. A daughter and son.  They're smart, funny, articulate and kind.  They're kids he can be proud to say he raised.  We have that in common.  Our kids aren't perfect, but are certainly good people, and somehow we all seem to fit.  When we spend time with the kids, we laugh, interact and talk and it's good.  We've even started having family dinners together every other Sunday.

I enjoy every minute I'm given to spend with his kids, and we genuinely like each other... I get to spend good estrogen time with his daughter, and his son fits right in with my two clowns... My boys genuinely like CG, and best of all, our kids like each other!   Ok the fact that CG and I are in love with each other, and show respect for one another doesn't hurt either... life is very good.

The point I need to make about respecting the other parent, is I know there has to be something wonderful about CG's ex-wife.  I see CG so much in his children... The amazing people they are, is in a big way due to him as their custodial parent, but their mother contributed half the DNA to make them who they are. While they live with him, they look forward to the time they spend with her and with her family.  Let's face it the man I love saw enough in her to choose her as his life partner, even though that wasn't to be.  Because I trust the judgements he makes, I trust his choice was based on something special he saw in her.  Looking at things that way helps keep things in perspective. 

She and he ended, just as my ex and I did... it happens...  They have remained cordial just as my ex and I have.  The fact is, that's what's best for our children, and it causes way less drama for us.

I have also been on the other side of the coin.  My ex-husband had a girlfriend for about seven years after we split up.  I remained respectful of her and her time with him.  I never called him unless there was an emergency.  I ensured she got a nice Christmas gift from the boys, and that they treated her with respect as well.  There was a chance she could end up being their step mom, and I knew how that felt.

Not everything has been easy in my step, or ex relationships though...While I have remained quite friendly with my ex, and with one of his sisters, my ex parents in law never did care for me. They're born again, while I'm baptized but non practicing Catholic, and the fact that my ex husband had the first divorce in the family when he and his first wife split was very hard on them and the rest of the family... They really liked her, and I was very different in some ways.  I wasn't really ever given the chance to be accepted, and that's rolled down to affect my kids, and their contact with their paternal grandparents.   While I'm not perfect, I would never have kept my sons from their family, had there been any overatures made.  I will never understand the lack of contact.  I tried to set the ball rolling, even having the whole ex family over the day after Christmas about 7 years ago.

I hope later in life, I get to see I've done the legwork to let the people in my life know I love them.  That I have been the sort of grandparent my parents were to my nephews, my kids and step kids, and their kids....and that I have given them enough modeling to carry on that legacy. I hope too, that I was kind enough that my kids, grand kids and step kids think enough of me to put me in a NICE home... one with a pool and pretty yard boys would be great!

better late than...

later....

Scarred for Life....

So... being the worst mother in the world has it's perks... I have to say, I am getting a real kick out of grossing my kids out... haha....

Remember some time ago I told you how grossed out I was at the thought that my parents might still be "doing-it" in their 50's?  Well, I'm really enjoying creeping out my kids... is that bad?

Today, my youngest came home hung over.  He'd gone to a party, and spent the night at a friend's place rather than drive home.  I thought that was rather responsible of him, but seriously, it's my day off, and I have things to worry about besides a hung over 19 year old. 

CG and I have a 'date' booked this afternoon and evening, because I haven't seen him since Tuesday because of a business trip he had to take.... and Tuesday's visit was for about 15 minutes to say hi between work and his committment to pick up his son, "CG lite" at the golf course.... Thank GOD we live 9 minutes apart... He left Wednesday for his business trip, so this has been a super long week for me... especially since he leaves this comingTuesday with his kids for his two week European holiday.


He got in last night, but my older son actually booked a beer with him before I booked him... little bastard...   Actually, I am glad they booked this beer, because Number 1 Son is moving away for school in two weeks... so I have appreciated the time CG has taken to try to get to know him before he leaves.  No. 1 says he feels more comfortable leaving his mother alone knowing the guy he's leaving her with... how cute is THAT?


So this afternoon is the first chance we've had to be alone in almost a week... anyhow...back to the story.  My younger son was moping around here for a while before a friend of his came over.  I told the friend to take my kid with him when he left, because I just had the house cleaned, and I don't need him lounging around here all day... then I threw in that CG was visiting this afternoon....

Me:  "When you leave here, please take 'Toby' with you..."

Friend:  "Ok - you need him out of your hair?"

Me:  "Yup!  I'm not waiting on my little prince this afternoon... I have other things to do..."

Toby:  "Like WHAT?"

Me:  "CG is heading over for a while this afternoon.  I haven't seen him for a few days."

Toby:  "Oh, GOD Mom, are you guys gonna "DO-IT"?"

Me:  "MAYBE!... I told you, I haven't seen him in a while..."

'Toby' and his buddy vacated so fast it reminded me of a cartoon where they leave the little dust clouds behind their heels.... So... here I am, sipping a coffee, drinking in the peace and quiet.  Sigh...

CG is coming over, but not for a few hours, so I'm going to sit and relax, and listen to the silence in my still clean house... which will only stay that way until about half an hour after the "little darlings" are home....

Later...

Boobs 'n Booze...

So last night I headed out to the pub with some of my amazing girlfriends for a night of general misbehaving….

It’s a super fun group of women, who can always keep me laughing, and that’s always a good way to spend a couple of hours…. Problem is, they live completely on the opposite end of the city from me and I can’t convince them to move South…. Even though it’s CLEARLY where the cool kids should hang out….

I have to say, today my cheeks hurt from laughing so hard.  Laughter has to be a good calorie burner… I also have to say, that I spent about half the night laughing WITH them, but the other half laughing AT them…

Today I am heading in for the weekly weigh in...UGH!... so had to behave last night… I did cheat, but the weigh in coupled with the loooooooooong drive home, kept me limited to one beer and two chicken wings…and the big over the top cheat, was a bite of someone’s dessert about the size of a nickel. 

They, meanwhile, had been into the waitress for two drinks and three shots each before I even got there, so needless to say, it was getting close to that place where you need someone translating between the drinkers and the sober….  You know, someone only half in the bag, so they understand both people…

Sober:  “So, Sue, who’s your friend?”

Interpreter: “She said ‘Sooze hoozier fren?’”

Drunk: “Dishes smell!”

Interpreter: “She said ‘This is Mel’”

The group I was with last night, is a pretty tight group of friends.  Three of them work together and they allow the other two of us to be Cling-ons… We started the girls' nights when we signed up for a Zumba class together a year or so ago. 

That’s a whole bonding experience in itself… a group of decidedly ANGLO girls trying to shake our booty to the Latin beat… as I’ve told you before, I’m very attached to that whole Latin culture, but God didn’t see fit to give me hips that move sensually...

I guess I should explain three of these girls are married, and two of us are dating.  I’m in a relationship, but the other single girl is looking… We've spent a few of these "girls' nights" looking over the profiles on the dating sites, laughing over our "matches"... and finding potential matches for the married girls if they ever had to go looking.  They never will, because they're lifers.

They all know about my struggles, and that’s been fodder for a few jokes, but that's not the only thing they laugh at me for... Last night they started comparing boob sizes… as I’ve told you before, I’m not well endowed in that area… this group STARTS at a double D…

I always keep a pocket camera in my purse, and had taken it out to have a snapshot of the group of us taken… Next thing I know, I have photos of each of their cleavage to commemorate the event… That was good for a few chuckles…

The full on giggles came when I was told one of them had made the comment that if she was a guy she’d be interested in me…

With the booze flowing, though, it got translated to me by my wonderful and fabulous Miss “L” as… “Hey! Before you showed up “M” said if she was a GIRL she’d DO YOU!”   

I just paused and raised my eyebrows… and said… “Wow!  You’d never guess  he...she... had work done…”  I took off at 9:30 to make the long trek … and left them there to have a few more cocktails…

I think every woman needs a group of friends like that… they’re fun and a little naughty, but not to the point of getting in trouble.  It’s fun to remember how much fun you were before you were someone’s wife and someone’s mother…

On the way home, I gave CG a quick call to see how his “Men’s night” had gone.  He goes golfing with a group of friends every Wednesday, so it just happened to fall on the same night as my outing.  He’d told me earlier his son was planning to golf at the same course with a friend, so he was happy when they decided to golf the other side of the course. Wednesdays are his chance to drop the DAD gig and “just be a guy and spit and swear and talk about boobs and stuff…” without having to worry about his son listening…

He told me about his game, and then asked about my night… I told him I bet the girls had done more talking about boobs than his guys group did…

Later…

Um... Even Dr. Seuss would say that's a little personal for the Salad course....

I am a grateful woman.   There.  I said it right out loud, and I mean it.... I went through HELL for three months, and I can't tell you how glad I am the clouds parted, and I made it through.... 

One of the things I'm most grateful for is feeling normal... I've discussed previously how much fun it is to watch someone else be completely tormented by their teens, but it's also very nice to hear that others have had similar experiences being single and middle aged...  The other night Cute Guy and I were exchanging stories... I was sort of working through some of the "Barbie" material in my head, and telling him a little about her week in Atlanta... He interjected with quite the story of his own...

I guess he was approached by a woman on the same dating site we met through, a few months ago... they did the usual exchange of witty banter and then decided to meet for dinner... which as you will see is a dangerous thing to do first date...

As is fairly common, when she walked in the restaurant, he realized she was a lot older than the photo she had posted.  After the initial shock, they started to chat and were enjoying each other's sense of humor.  I have to say, Cute Guy isn't lost for words very often, but he said he almost choked when mid way through a mouth full of salad she decided to cut to the chase....

She told him she realized she was a lot older than him, but that she wanted to detail why that's a  huge advantage... He asked her what the advantage was and she proceeded to tell him. First she is still married and committed to her husband, but he isn't able to perform any longer because he's an invalid, and all she's interested in is sex...

She starts to detail just what that could mean for him...He's a pretty confident guy, and his mind works pretty quickly, so he had a few fairly pointed questions for her I'm sure, but even though I haven't yet seen him at a loss for words, he said it was a surreal experience sitting there listening to the littany of what she would allow him to do to her....

He said it started very quickly to sound like a Dr. Seuss book... "You can put it HERE... you can put it THERE... YOU can put it ANYWHERE!" 

As he's concentrating on not choking on his salad, he starts wondering if she's ever had to give the Heimlich after dropping that little bomb shell... He says while it was interesting from a sort of alien encounters viewpoint or that horrifying fascination you get watching a frog dissection, it made for a VERY long meal.  When they parted company, he said he would consider her GENEROUS offer....

Being male, once he got home he did sort of a post mortem with a friend of his who we shall just say is a "busy" guy on the dating sites.... Because it had been a while since he'd dated, his buddy's advice was to go for it, but to ensure he used a position where he could block out the 20 year age difference...Cute Guy decided not to pursue that course of action and graciously declined...  "I will not do you on your car, I will not do you near or far, I will not stick it in your ear... I do not need you over here!"

So...today's lesson... Ladies, even if all you're looking for is a roll in the hay, why not look for the guys who say they're after the same thing in their profiles... E-mail me, and I can hook you up with "Since of Hummer" guy, "Sniff your Underwear Guy",  "Goin Postal Guy", or any of the other guys who've made an appearance here... some of them would be ETERNALLY grateful I'm sure...

Better yet, join the dating site with the "Freak Show" section...Yes, certainly there are men out there who will be completely into that smorgasbord of things you will allow, with no strings attached, but thankfully there are some who might actually want to hit the dessert and brandy portion of the meal before hearing how you want to be used....

Guys, Your lesson here, is don't invest in a whole dinner until you know you want to spend more than an hour with someone....and brush up on your Dr. Seuss....it could come in handy...

Later...