Jamaica me Crazy...

Well, it was Fathers' Day weekend, and as I told you earlier, I lost my wonderful dad Christmas Day... that means this year is full of difficult firsts for me.... I have to say, my dad was among the best.  He was kind, considerate, funny and just a great guy to be around. 

The fact that there are two of these firsts inside a week has made for some moments of reflection.  Fathers' Day, closely followed by my birthday....

My mom and sister are here visiting from out of town.  Mom is staying with me, and my sister is staying with a friend, so I haven't seen much of her.  That gave mom and I some time to bond and chat, and because she mixed up the date of an evening engagement she had planned, I dragged her along to a social event on Friday night...

Cute Guy invited me to an annual party some friends of his throw to celebrate the husband's Carribean heritage.  This couple is warm, kind, and just a joy to be around.  They're the perfect embodiment of how sometimes exactly what you're looking for in a partner, can be wrapped in a different package than you expected.  The husband is a shorter guy, probably standing around 5 foot 5 or 6, and his wonderful wife is around 5 foot 11 I would guess.  He is dark skinned and eyed and she is a willowy blonde... where they're alike though, is their sense of humor and warm, welcoming spirit.  

I accepted Cute Guy's invitation to come with him because mom was planning to be at a concert with my sister that night... but she had the date mixed up... the wonderful, warm couple told me to bring my mom along...   Because my dad was a real social animal, their home was always full of friends and laughter.  My mom is still getting used to living alone, eating alone and sleeping alone after having someone there for over 60 years.

This party was a lot of fun... Jamaicans know how to do it up right.  There was a ton of food, lots of laughs, some Bob Marley on the stereo and a ton of booze... Our host was half in the bag the entire evening, but managed to keep himself mostly upright, and could still carry on a pretty good conversation.   Cute guy and he flirted with my mom, and had a bunch of the other men at the party over talking with her for a good part of the night.  She's 83, so there wasn't too much danger of her getting into much trouble, but she enjoyed the attention. 

The most interesting part of the evening came when a couple Cute Guy knows from his son's soccer team were chatting with us.... 

Wife: "So, how long have you two been together?"

Me: Looking at Cute Guy... "Well, we started dating about 5 weeks ago..."

Cute Guy:  "Yep, we met on Friday the 13."

Husband:  "Oh.  So really new."

Wife:  "Well, how did you two meet?"

Cute Guy:  Looking at me... "Online."

Wife: "No.  Really.  How did you meet... through friends?"

Me:  "Really.  We met online."

Wife:  "Come on.  Really."

Cute Guy:  "We REALLY met online.  Really..."

Wife:  Helplessly looking to her husband for a rescue... He looks at her with the same look...
"Oh.  Wow.  I didn't think that ever happened... I have a friend who's been internet dating for 5 years and hasn't found anybody...." As they're both wondering what's wrong with us I'm sure....

Me: "CLEARLY she's on E-MELODY!"  I didn't add that she's probably still wading through the stupid Must Have/Can't Stand section....

After a couple of repeats of this, I told Cute Guy we totally need to come up with an interesting story of how we met, because people who have never been through that special HELL can't understand how it can work... then again, anyone who is currently IN that special Hell probably doesn't believe it'll work either... especially if their last meeting was with someone who is 150 pounds heavier or 20 years older than they looked in their photo....

I'm gonna have to give our initial meeting some thought, although when people share their internet dating horror stories it just means I have more to talk about here....


Later....

Terms of Endearment....

Remember when I told you with Cute Guy and me, I'd like our FIRST TIME together to be somewhere neutral so it wasn't his turf or mine? Well, he's had a lot of fun with that... at my expense... "So... you put a lot of pressure on a guy... you know, with our first time having to be in SWITZERLAND and all."  I get the feeling he's laughing AT me rather than WITH me... 

I think we're sitting in Austria right about now, thinking about making that border crossing, but we're still trying to figure each other out to some degree... and that leads into a whole other hurdle with starting a new relationship.  He has yet to introduce me as his "girlfriend" and I haven't told people he's my "boyfriend", he's still the guy I'm seeing...

As parents, you have nicknames for your kids.  You know...sweet little names for them that start when they're tiny... My boys share a nickname, because it was just easier that way for me.  It's Monk... it's a derivative of Monkey, because when they were tiny and I would carry them around they seemed like those cute baby monkeys hanging on to their mom... While there are times you want to call them Demon Possessed little Bastards, I generally save THAT name for the cats...

As a parent, because nature has a way of making you love your kids no matter what, you also have names like Babe, Sweetie and Darlin' for them as well...


These are the names you have to be careful about because you can easily let them creep into conversation with the new man... but then you have that whole moment where you're unsure if you should have or not... Thing is, it's equally as awkward when those words are conspicuously left out too....

We had one of those conversations the other day. Cute Guy was away on a business trip again and we were chatting over the phone about his upcoming dinner with a long time employee and what he had planned for the rest of the trip. When we were saying goodbye, it became a little awkward.

Me:  "Well, have a good sleep, and I will look forward to seeing you when you get back."

Cute Guy: In his best radio DJ voice... "Yes.  Well.  Very good then.  I will look forward to seeing you in future too.  Thank you for your time." 

Thing is, terms of endearment can be nauseating when they're used too much between couples, especially couples who are a little too into the whole PDA thing... I love being called a sweet pet name, and holding hands or other benign little gestures are great, but it can be taken too far....

My darling brother and his wife were absolutely revolting when they were dating... they were young and in love, and it used to be just torturous to sit there with the two of them in a room... GAG... it was enough to make you yak a little in your mouth.... it was bad enough when they were talking to us, but even worse if they talked to each other.... Every sentence was punctuated like this....

"Um...Sweetie *kiss*...do you.. *smooch*...think, Dear, you can... *smack*...pass me...*sigh*... my drink *kissy-kiss* Baby Doll?" 

This was made even worse by the fact that they were like 18 at the time... what 18 year old calls his girlfriend DEAR?  ...BLECH!

They've gotten over that in the million years since they married, but it's still one of those family stories that gets told because their shmoopsie-poopsie-ing was absolutely epic.  God... I have to say I'm feeling a little green just remembering it.

 My sister had been married to a decidedly NOT publicly affectionate but funny guy for a couple of years before my bro and his squeeze got together.  He was constantly revolted by the whole thing.  So one night as we're sitting there watching this worse than a "B" romance movie unfold, he looks at my sister across the table and says "Skookumpups... can you pass me my drink?" while batting his eyes  at her... For some reason, my sister and I thought this was hilarious. 

My brother didn't find it amusing in the least, but it has stuck as the go to schmoopsie-poopsie word for my family...

Anyway, Cute Guy made an interesting observation.  I was telling him that ending conversations is hard at the beginning of a relationship.  He says he figures it will get easier once we've been to Switzerland...  We'll see...

Later....

Um... Even Dr. Seuss would say that's a little personal for the Salad course....

I am a grateful woman.   There.  I said it right out loud, and I mean it.... I went through HELL for three months, and I can't tell you how glad I am the clouds parted, and I made it through.... 

One of the things I'm most grateful for is feeling normal... I've discussed previously how much fun it is to watch someone else be completely tormented by their teens, but it's also very nice to hear that others have had similar experiences being single and middle aged...  The other night Cute Guy and I were exchanging stories... I was sort of working through some of the "Barbie" material in my head, and telling him a little about her week in Atlanta... He interjected with quite the story of his own...

I guess he was approached by a woman on the same dating site we met through, a few months ago... they did the usual exchange of witty banter and then decided to meet for dinner... which as you will see is a dangerous thing to do first date...

As is fairly common, when she walked in the restaurant, he realized she was a lot older than the photo she had posted.  After the initial shock, they started to chat and were enjoying each other's sense of humor.  I have to say, Cute Guy isn't lost for words very often, but he said he almost choked when mid way through a mouth full of salad she decided to cut to the chase....

She told him she realized she was a lot older than him, but that she wanted to detail why that's a  huge advantage... He asked her what the advantage was and she proceeded to tell him. First she is still married and committed to her husband, but he isn't able to perform any longer because he's an invalid, and all she's interested in is sex...

She starts to detail just what that could mean for him...He's a pretty confident guy, and his mind works pretty quickly, so he had a few fairly pointed questions for her I'm sure, but even though I haven't yet seen him at a loss for words, he said it was a surreal experience sitting there listening to the littany of what she would allow him to do to her....

He said it started very quickly to sound like a Dr. Seuss book... "You can put it HERE... you can put it THERE... YOU can put it ANYWHERE!" 

As he's concentrating on not choking on his salad, he starts wondering if she's ever had to give the Heimlich after dropping that little bomb shell... He says while it was interesting from a sort of alien encounters viewpoint or that horrifying fascination you get watching a frog dissection, it made for a VERY long meal.  When they parted company, he said he would consider her GENEROUS offer....

Being male, once he got home he did sort of a post mortem with a friend of his who we shall just say is a "busy" guy on the dating sites.... Because it had been a while since he'd dated, his buddy's advice was to go for it, but to ensure he used a position where he could block out the 20 year age difference...Cute Guy decided not to pursue that course of action and graciously declined...  "I will not do you on your car, I will not do you near or far, I will not stick it in your ear... I do not need you over here!"

So...today's lesson... Ladies, even if all you're looking for is a roll in the hay, why not look for the guys who say they're after the same thing in their profiles... E-mail me, and I can hook you up with "Since of Hummer" guy, "Sniff your Underwear Guy",  "Goin Postal Guy", or any of the other guys who've made an appearance here... some of them would be ETERNALLY grateful I'm sure...

Better yet, join the dating site with the "Freak Show" section...Yes, certainly there are men out there who will be completely into that smorgasbord of things you will allow, with no strings attached, but thankfully there are some who might actually want to hit the dessert and brandy portion of the meal before hearing how you want to be used....

Guys, Your lesson here, is don't invest in a whole dinner until you know you want to spend more than an hour with someone....and brush up on your Dr. Seuss....it could come in handy...

Later...

Good thing they're pretty....

So, one of the things Cute Guy and I like to do, is to go to the off-leash park and play with the dogs... We both love dogs, but don't have dogs.  It's just fun to go and play with someone else's pet for a while then walk away at the end of an hour, without having to clean up any shit.


Visiting his house has been sort of the same for me... I love teenagers as long as they were spawned by SOMEONE ELSE.  Well, at least as long as I don't have to ride public transit with a herd of  them.... That's just cruel and inhuman in my books.

But if they're in their own natural habitat they have teriffic senses of humor, are astute and intelligent a lot of the time, have great energy and watching them use their super human bargaining skills for that $20, $1000 bike, $150 pair of shoes or new car they "need" with someone else rather than me is incredibly funny....

A couple of nights ago, I was invited to Cute Guy's house for dinner with his teens and various and sundry other teens who had dropped by to eat because he's a good cook... I KNOW... that's the second dinner in a week he's cooked for me... He's smart, handsome AND he can cook....

I'm hearing that collective AAAAAAAW! from the women reading this....  Don't become hostile toward your mate, because I haven't had to lift a freaking finger yet....you chose HIM.... But again, I digress.... Hanging around his house is like being at mine but with different neighbors...

Oh.  Wait.  There IS one noteable exception.... his daughter's friend was sitting at the kitchen table with a TEXTBOOK... It looked vaguely familiar to me and I had to think WAY back to when I was in school....That's such a foreign concept in my house, I actually had to ask what she was doing.  She said she was STUDYING.  I said to her "Wow!  I've HEARD that happens, I've just never seen it done..."  All I can say, is thank GOD my boys are pretty...


So back to the story...Cute Guy and I  were comparing our "Affectionate words of the day"... He had been told he was "incrediby annoying" and "so GAY" earlier in the day ... can't remember what horrifying parental act he'd done to deserve that, but I won the prize because I was "Such a douche" coupled with that so dramatic it's AUDIBLE eye roll, which gave me bonus points for the win, because I insisted my kid put his dishes INSIDE rather than on top of the dishwasher...

People who don't have teens probably don't realize how often the word DOUCHE is used in today's vernacular. Cute Guy's suggestion is that I have my son expand his use of the word as a verb and adjective next, because he might as well figure out how to leverage it into all sorts of new terms....


I found out the sad truth that Dishleprophoia - or the fear of dishwashers (YES it's a real word!)  has reached epidemic proportions...there seems to be an outbreak of it at his house too.... so I gathered up the salad bowls after dinner and put them in the sink because the dishwasher was full of clean dishes and I didn't know where to put them away.


Anyhow, WTF is it with kids and not understanding how things work?  These guys can set up a computer, navigate illegal music download sites so fast your head will spin, and can hack into NASA, but they can't load and unload a freaking dishwasher.  The concept is pretty simple right?  Open the door, put the dishes inside, put soap in, push a button, and like magic, you have a clean fork to use after a while.... Even when you convince them to LOAD the dishwasher, the whole UNLOADING part escapes them....

I really enjoyed my evening at the offleash Teen Park that is Cute Guy's house... I find it so comforting to see that my house isn't much different than his...The best part about going over there is I don't have to deal with the shit... that is, until I go home to a house full of hungry teens and a sink full of dishes.

Later...

Stop the Merry go round I want to get off....

So it’s official… Cute NEW Guy has to be renamed just Cute Guy, because we have made it past the one month mark, and I'm guessing he isn't gonna like it if I call him Cute Old Guy.   I can’t tell you how amusing it is, to be going through the BS at home, and having someone who can match and sometimes even top your teenager stories…. OK - I'll admit his topping my stories hasn't happened yet...but it COULD...

We had a chat about how much fun this past month has been, having someone to talk to that gets the Hell that is being a single custodial parent of teens…. at least we're reasonably sure we aren't going to shock each other with the stuff we're going through with the kids or with our past dating horror stories etc.

That leads me to today’s dilemma…. More than two weeks ago I signed off the dating site ‘Merry-go-round’ as he calls it, but they continue to send me matches and winks and other lame-o crap. I will admit, right out loud, I was THAT KID on the Merry-go-round who got motion sick and barfed off the side... I'm feeling a little like that right now actually....The day after I closed my account they sent an email from a man on there.  I tried to open to respond and say I had found someone interesting, but you can’t respond without signing up again…

Now I don’t know about you, but isn’t that sort of a shitty thing for a site that touts itself as being single handedly responsible for More Marriages than the Pope to do?  Shouldn't they have your profile hidden or off there or something?  It's just wrong, and leads to a constant upgrade mentality... let's say you have a big fight with the guy you're with... having a full in box of other potential matches could start to give you the idea you can just trade him in....

Let’s look at this from an evolutionary perspective…. Men are WIRED to want to spread their seed… So… I can only imagine Cute Guy is getting the same notifications.  He is an extremely smart man, so I suspect he's discarding them the same way I am, but what if he wasn’t as smart as he is pretty…  

The business of finding someone a match is great if that’s truly the intent, but we all know the actual “business” of the website is to make money… how do they do that?  By selling you a membership to the site and throwing people at you hoping someone will stick. 

IF you're lucky enough to actually find someone great, they're hoping you'll tell your lonely, unlucky or loser, shut-in friends to try THEIR SITE as opposed to E-Melody, who is also sending me a ream of junk mail even though I closed my profile there as well.

  So… Do they really care if you find the love of your life?  Well, they do, as long as you spread the word... and if you don't find anyone, they'll keep promising you that love is right around the corner and take your money for all eternity....Kinda a win/win.  For THEM.

For the moment I’m someone they’re never getting any more money from, unless I have screwed up again... or if curiosity about who it was who emailed me gets me so juiced up that I part with my credit card number…. NOT!

I give them full credit for giving me the opportunity to meet Cute Guy but it's the two of us who are making the relationship fun.... and I hope we're laughing together far into the future... it's pretty cool to find someone who "gets" my sense of humor but knows when I need a hug.... I know we're all shiny and new, but right now we fit.

Thankfully I’ve got a very long memory, and won’t soon forget playing “Douche, Douche, Loser” with my sons as we flip through the pictures of my potential matches….

Later...

Can I get an AMEN for Juan the Pool Boy

What is it they say about the best laid plans of mice and men?  Well, in this case, it's those crappy Universe headphones again...  all they heard of that was "laid" and "men" apparently...

Remember "Barbie" from yesterday... well here's the rest of the story.  Right before she left for her Atlanta business trip she was sick, so went to the doctor trying to shake an athsma attack she felt coming on...  Her doctor put her on prednesone to try to get some lung function back... if you've never taken prednesone, it's a steroid, and can affect your sleep habits.  Because she wanted to address the problem right away, she took one of the tablets at about 2:30 in the afternoon, and didn't sleep the whole night before she leaves.

She figures she'll try to sleep a little on the plane, but she's had to take another pill early that morning...She tells me  "Holy CRAP I'm absolutely WIRED on this stuff..."  Needless to say, she doesn't sleep on the plane at all, and arrives at the convention just vibrating.  Now, this girl is vivacious to start with, but she's operating on zero sleep from the night before, coupled with the prednesone effect, and she's excited about the next few days networking.  Let's face it, an out of town convention is an opportunity to be someone you probably aren't at home....

The first day was packed with activities, and afterward she and some friends from work go out to have a couple of drinks.  Barbie is 47 and a couple of the girls she's out with are married and in their 30's so when an attractive early 20 something guy starts hitting on her hard, they're egging her on to "Go for it!"... She keeps telling them how ridiculous it is that this kid is hitting on her, but she's flattered... This is Friday night....

She's telling me how she brushes off his advances, but somehow he got her cell number, and when he isn't actually at the table, he's sending her texts about how beautiful she is, and how much he wants her.... She says she's very flattered by the attention, but the age discrepancy was "ridiculous".  Finally, at about 2 in the morning, she relents and tells him her room number. 

Apparently a night of amazing passion ensues, and she kicks him out at about 7 in the morning ...remember now, she's operating on about two hours sleep here...and now she has to sit through an entire day of meetings. 

He texts her all day long and calls a few times, but she ignores him, because she's feeling a little ashamed about...Um...'educating' the poor kid...

On Sunday she gets invited to go to church with a friend.  She agrees to go, because she's feeling, in her words, "like I've committed a completely mortal sin, and if I don't go and pray for my black soul, I'm gonna be struck down by lightning..."  She is sitting in the pew with her friend on one side, and a "nice, sweet, gentle black man" on the other... she describes how he says "Amen!" or "Hallelujah!" whenever the minister makes a comment that obviously speaks to him...

Meanwhile, he's moving closer and closer to her... while this is all going on, she says she's completely feeling the hand of God, because the preacher's sermon that day was on being lonely.  "So, Brothers and Sisters!  You feel loneliness heavy on your shoulders... so you go out to a bar and drink and you pick up a STRANGER!  But that stranger is just cold comfort!... (insert a Hallelujah from the buddy next to "Barbie")...There's something missing in your HEART, Brothers and Sisters...can I get an Amen! (Amen!!)...

Barbie says she was sitting there totally wondering how the adventures with her boy toy, let's call him "Juan the Pool Boy" happened to be broadcast to the preacher... and all the time, this "precious man" beside her is sitting closer and closer to her, trying desperately to share his song book....

She says she was sitting there doing the little inner voice dialogue:

"WTF is HAPPENING here?  Seriously?  Is this guy HITTING on me in CHURCH?!... OMG, if he gets any closer, he's going to be sitting on my knee! ...and is that preacher looking right AT me?... Am I being "Punked"?..."

She's sitting there, sweating, and feeling increasingly uncomfortable about the sermon when she turns to her girlfriend and says "Listen.  If I start speaking in TONGUES, we could be in trouble!" 

When the service ended, she says the guy in the pew beside her turned to her and said that he had an uncanny sixth sense about people's energy... "You have an amazing POSITIVE energy.  I'd like to take you to supper."  She says she feels like she was in an episode of the Twilight Zone...

That night when she got back to her room, she finally dozed off... and her phone rang.  She was half asleep and she answered it without looking at it, and here it is "Juan"... he's telling her he feels so used because she was ignoring the texts and messages he's sent incessantly since she booted him out of her room... her answer "What exactly did you THINK it was, Honey?!" ...
Well, the answer to THAT question, my friends, is a TWO night stand...

So what lesson can we get from this little missive?  Well, I 'm guessing God or the Universe or whatever, CAN see what you're doing, and once in a while he sets you up so he can have a good chuckle himself... can't you just see that...?

God's inside voice..."Wow! I just don't think I can leave this one alone... HAHAHAHA  Ya, that's good... now let's just tweak her reality a little more....." Personally, I think having her actually speak in tongues would have been a good addition....

You know, when my marriage ended and I'd been separated for a while, my mom tried to give me some suggestions on where I should be going to meet men, and she suggested church... I don't think I'd ever really thought it was a hot place to pick up men, but I stand corrected.....

Later...

Shazam...and they're OFF!

Yesterday afternoon I decided to head out for a glass of wine and a catch up session with a girlfriend.  She is accomplished, really animated, smart, funny and cute as a button.  I'd tell you her real name, but you'd think it was a fake, so we'll call her Barbie... not because she reminds me of the doll, but because she reminds me of a Barbie I went to school with....

Barbie's back story is that she was married very young to a man who was much older than her.  They were married for over 20 years, but he just can't keep up with her.... they agreed to part ways when he determined he just wanted a companion rather than a wife...

She attended an offsite conference in Atlanta a couple of weeks ago... I have more than one story to share from that week she was away, but I thought I'd start with this one....

After a day of conferences,  Barbie and a couple of friends from work decide to go out for a drink and dinner.  One of these friends is a young married woman, and she tells Barbie "I can't go out with you.... I heard all the stories from last year... you're a BAD girl, and you're going to get me in trouble...."   Barbie is a consumate professional at her job, so keeps her alcohol intake limited when she's out for work functions especially, so she was a little offended.... I guess the younger woman ended up half in the bag and was comparing the size of the hands of the men at the table, and getting all excited over the size of their feet... apparently she has very tiny hands, and kept comparing her hands to theirs...

Barbie is getting a little tired of it, especially when the younger one says  "Wow!  Look at the size of Bob's FEET... you KNOW what that means?"  Barbie's quick witted response..."Ya... it means you're gonna have to use both hands..." 

Barbie loses interest in the whole discussion and strikes up a conversation with an older Scottish guy at the table with whom she enjoys a drink and some good conversation, but she tells me there's no real spark there at all.  When she decides she's had enough of Shoe Fettish girl, she thanks him for the drink he bought her, and tells him she's exhausted and needs to go to bed.

He says he's heading that way too, and offers to walk her to her room.  She says "I've had two hours sleep, I have told this guy how tired I am, and that he can walk me to my room but I'm not interested in sleeping with him, and I was crystal clear about that."... but he insists on being the galant gentleman and taking her up to her door.  When they get there, he asks if she would mind getting him a glass of water.  Apparently that loooooong walk up from the hotel bar has him completely parched....

She heads to the kitchen area of her suite to get him a bottle of water.... "I walked in to grab the water and a glass, and when I turn the corner to hand it to him, you'll never believe it...."  My response, as will be the response of many women who have had the same trick pulled on them is to say "He was naked."  She tells me yes, he's standing there doin' the full Monty in the middle of her room after being told he has zero chance of getting laid.....

I mean how does this happen... are his clothes put together with velcro so he can just rip them off in a single tug?  Does he say a magic word and they just fall to the floor?  Do slimy men practice that move until they shave seconds off their best time?  She says he couldn't have had more than a minute to get it all off... I guess putting them back on after she told him to get the Hell out took a little longer

I've had this same scenario happen to me... it was with a guy I had been "friends" with in high school... why the quotes?  Because I was the new girl at school in grade 12, and he was the captain of the football team.  He had time to talk to me if I knew the answer to a homework question, or if he needed help studying, but he was dating the most popular girl in school, so I didn't rate beyond that.  We ran into each other years later in a small city I had just moved to.  I had finished college and was working as a newscaster and reporter for a local radio station.

He had gone on to do great things with his career too... working in a second rate men's suit store as the assistant manager.  He was still counting on the fact that he was gonna be able to coast on the whole "I'm the quarterback" thing, but in reality, he wasn't looking nearly as good as he had in school, and I was meeting all sorts of cool people.  When he invited me to go out for a beer I accepted because I was genuinely looking forward to catching up as buddies.  We went to a noisy bar so when he suggested we go somewhere quieter I genuinely thought it was because we couldn't hear each other.  He told me his place wasn't far away from there, so why didn't we go have a glass of wine at his place and catch up, then he would take me home....

I agreed because of our history.  Even at 23 I was pretty cautious... Anyhoo, we walk in his bachelor pad.... and ... I guess the national suit store pays assistant managers even less than I was making in radio, which for anyone who has worked in the media knows is PATHETIC money...because his hip bachelor pad was a studio apartment with the bedroom/living/dining room combo and a separate bathroom about the size of a broom closet....

We enjoyed a glass of wine and a couple of anecdotes but the conversation was pretty halting, so I excused myself to go to the washroom in anticipation of going home... when I come out about 5 minutes later, if that, he's naked on the bed, patting the mattress beside him.... "Um... Buddy, what the HELL are you doing?" I say.  His response was something pretty rude as I recall about what we should be doing... "Ya.  That's NEVER going to happen."  He got up, dressed himself, and despite my saying I'd call a cab, he insisted on driving me home... I swear to God when we got to my house, he barely stopped the car... I thought he was going to tell me to tuck and roll....

I have been lucky enough to never run into him again, but I guess my friend Barbie ran into HER naked loser a few more times during the conference... how awkward.

What the hell goes through a guy's mind?!  I just don't get it... Women are built differently than men when it comes to sex, clearly, but when someone's told you they're not interested in getting busy, what is it that makes a guy think he still has a chance if he just displays his junk?....  I'm just trying to imagine that thought process.... I mean, what does he really think is gonna happen... she says "No." so he drops his drawers, and she's going to...what, exactly?... say "Wow!  Well since you put it THAT way, ok, let's go, sailor, I'm all yours!"... That only happens in cheesy porno movies...or so I'm told... 

In real life, obviously what she says and what he hears are two different things... is it because he's listening with his penis?  I mean, clearly the sound is going to be a little muffled if that's the case with all those layers of clothing in the way... especially if it's listening through the same headsets as McRonalds or the Universe....

Today's lesson? 

Ladies, if you're not going to sleep with a guy, DON'T invite him to your room, and DON'T go to his.

Guys, if a woman says she's not interested in getting busy with you, BELIEVE her.... you'll look way less like a knob if you accept that information with grace and she changes her mind and rips your clothing off than if you dismiss her assertions and are standing there being rejected with your parts all hanging out....

Later....

A little Blast from the Past....

So I just realized I have referred to a guy here, but it seems I didn't give you the whole story...

Let me introduce you to one of my favorite freak shows..."Smell Your Dirty Underwear Guy"... I gave you a little of his history, but here's how we "met"...This guy is JUST creepy enough to deserve a second mention, in case any women reading this are graced with his charming advances...

The first time I tried the whole internet dating thing I would go online and actually chat with people on the site when my boys had been safely tucked in.  As I've mentioned before, I was 40, which would make my babies 10 and 12 at the time....

I hadn't been single for a long time, and it's tough to get the banter down at first.... I felt like I needed a little ego boost, so found it kinda interesting to get attention from some of the guys on the dating sites, although I found out pretty quick the attention could be super weird.... My first inkling there were freaks out there even in my city, was when I logged on to....let's call it "Magma-Life" for the very first time.  You know the one with the "Dating", "Relationship" and "I'm a Circus Freak so Let's Get it On" sections....

So I create an account in the Relationship section, and am trying to figure out how to block the circus freaks, and what the heck you're supposed to do as far as writing a little blurb to describe yourself, and how to add photos when I get my very first chat request.... 

Guy:  "Hi there.  You look tired." 

Me:  "Wow.  That's funny since I don't have a photo posted yet..."

Guy:  "I can just tell... did you have a rough week?"

Me:   "Well, I did as a matter of fact, and you telling me I look TIRED doesn't make the weekend forecast any better..."

Guy:  "I could just TELL you had a rough one, do you need a foot rub and your vacuuming done?"

Me:  "Um... wow... never had anyone lead with THAT..."

Guy:  " Are you a "Type A" woman?"

Me:  "What do you mean?  My Blood type?

Guy:  "No, are you ASSERTIVE?

Me:  What, like a "Type A Personality", Gotcha...Um, no, not at all...Why?"

Guy:  "Oh.  Because I really like an ASSERTIVE woman."

Me (inside voice): danger, danger......
Me (outside voice) "What do you mean by that...Exactly?"

Guy:  "Do you need your house cleaned?"

Me: (inside voice) WTF just happened?!...Did I miss something here? This is too freaking weird... DANGER...
Me: (outside voice) "Well, I'm a single mom of two boys with a full time job... so... what do YOU think...?"

Guy: "Well, I could come over and clean your house and you could TELL me how to do it RIGHT..."

Me: (inside voice) Wait.  What?  Well, clearly now I KNOW your a f*cking whack job... who the hell LIKES cleaning?!  You gotta be a special kind of stupid for that..... 
Me: (outside voice) "OK - I'll bite... What's the deal here?"

Guy:  "I will come and vacuum, do laundry and dust for you....I like to be dominated... all you have to do is be assertive... Oh...and let me smell your dirty underwear..."

Me: (inside voice) Wow, the house IS a mess, and I'm pretty sure I have some underwear that needs washing... Do I have to actually be home?
Me: (outside voice).... "Holy SHIT, I'm like completely speechless here...you're a bit of a nut job... is this little schpeil working for you?...like do you get a lot of women who accept this offer?...actually, I don't want to know....So...... BLOCK, Blockty-Block".....

I have to admit, about three weeks ago my cleaning lady had to drop the people in my area of town, and I have tried to get two others in here to clean the place as well as she did, and have had no luck, so I was tempted to re-join and unblock him, but....

Today's lesson?  Talking to the creeps for a few minutes can be amusing and a bit of a social experiment, but even if you have a whole walk in closet full of dirty clothes, DON'T FALL FOR THIS.... I'm guessing this whack job is gonna use too much starch or add reds in with your whites or something, just to piss you off.....

Later....

"Tupperware" ... a career my mom wouldn't have considered.....

I promised you I'd give you the reader's digest version of the party the gorgeous Miss "L" invited me to, so here it is.....

One afternoon, I'm putzing around checking my email... I open it up to see a cute little invitation to a "Tupperware" party... that's how it's written... in quotes like that, but seeing as how I'm not really a suspicious person... unless I'm perusing profiles on a dating site, I didn't really think anything of it.... 

At the time, I had a very strict rule going,  to attend any and ALL social invitations no matter how lame....As long as they offer ALCOHOL.  I mean, really, those parties should ALL offer cocktails...things don't get much lamer than a Tupperware party, unless, of course you're talkin' Amway..... Those people are just SICK.

I send back a reply saying I'll attend....

The next day Miss "L" and I are chatting and she says she's glad I can make it to the "TUPPERWARE" party, and adds ..."and by "TUPPERWARE" I mean sex toys hahaha."  Miss "L" likes to joke around a lot, so I was totally confused as to whether she'd found some new use for that tupperware salt shaker, or whether it was really a sex toy party... 

When I show up at her house the next day, there are about 30 women, all sitting in chairs that were lined up all the way around her living room....so, I grab a martini, and a seat.  I soon realize, this ain't Tupperware, and I'm thinking "This should be interesting...."  Lots of these women have been to a whole bunch of these parties I gather by the conversation around the sharing circle. 

There are only a couple of people I know there, including a mom and daughter, and a married born again Christian woman who wouldn't say shit if her mouth was full of it.... I'm guessing she thought "TUPPERWARE" was the same as Tupperware too...

Born Again is looking a little mortified at the conversations going on around her as the martini's loosen people up.... "Oooooh - I haven't got the big PURPLE one, but that little silver bullet is AWESOME... I think I'm going to order two this time, in case I wear the first one out." 

When the sex toy rep comes in to do her presentation, I realize I've met her several times in the past with her beautiful baby girls but would never have pegged her for a vixen... she seriously looks like she could star in an Ivory Soap commercial... she's so sweet and INNOCENT looking, and is just an absolute sweetheart.... of course that gets me on a tangent....I'm thinking that's not a job I could picture MY mom doing, even if we were starving.... God... what a horrible picture THAT creates, right?  I find it easier to picture my mom as a freaking lumberjack or trapeze artist.  Seriously.

OOhhhh sorry, Magpie moment... back to the story...

The sweet Ivory Girl says she wants to play a game to get things kicked off, and make us more comfortable..... um...not so much...

She says she's going to ask a series of questions.  If we've actually DONE what she asks us, we are to stand and move over one chair.  If we HAVEN'T done what she's asking about, we stay in our seat...if we move over and someone is still sitting in the seat, we're to sit on their lap until we can move again..... Pretty simple concept really. 

It starts with a rather tame question.  "Have you ever "done it" outside?"  Everyone stands and moves over a seat to the right...."Have you ever done it in the shower?" again the whole troop stands and moves a seat over....the questions get progressively racier as I watch some women move, some stay in their seats.  Miss "L" and I are raising our eyebrows and laughing at each other when one of us moves over and the other doesn't... surprising what you learn about your close friends at a party like that....

I'm feeling rather adventurous for about a minute until the questions get a little more pointed. 
The fabulous Miss "L" and I are both sitting on someone's knee, giving each other the "WTF?!" look while we're watching one of her married friends move over seat after seat....

"Have you had a threesome?" over a seat... "Have you ever done it with an audience of more than 3?" Over she goes again... "Have you done it with large farm animals?"...  "A Camel?"  thump and thump goes her ass in the chair... OK - those las two weren't real questions, but they were sure as hell things I have and would never do....I swear to GOD I didn't think I was a huge prude, but this broad LAPPED us.... Should have been a pretty good indicator of where this evening is going....

What a weird scenario... the party hostess is telling us she's put various creams created to "enhance your experience" in the bathrooms for us to try... Um... Here we are in a room full of WOMEN... not sure anything's gonna enhance my experience there, but there was nearly a stampede heading in to the bathrooms to try this stuff, even though they still have to sit through half the demonstration if it works. 

She had dusting powders in all sorts of flavors, about a billion different varieties of vibrators, in all sorts of "fun" colors... and she explained that when vibrators were first being marketed out of China they had to make them appear to be a toy of some sort, so they would have faces or were made to resemble some sort of animal... and true to form, many of the vibrators she has are indeed disturbingly endowed with cutesy little garden gnome faces...

The martinis are flowing nicely as people loosen up and start to get a good laugh at some of the products being handed around the room... I have to say, I was enjoying the humor and anecdotes even though I'm in a room mostly full of strangers.  A good martini will do that for a girl....

The hostess hands around a latex thing that looks a lot like a kid's teething ring but when it gets to me, I have no idea how a figure 8 of thick latex should be used.... I'm holding it out, turning it over in my hands wondering what the hell it's for or if I'm holding it upside down, when the circus freak from before grabs it from me and does a little pantomime of how it fits on her husband, and I find myself hoping these demo tools are for display only..... 

As if things couldn't get any weirder, at about 8:00 the doorbell rings, and it's the freak's husband in the flesh!  I mean the house is full of women, the representative is explaining how the products are great for giving new moms or menopausal women their mojo back, and trying to keep things relatively professional, or at least as professional as you can when your clientelle is half in the bag and we're talking about what you do in the privacy of your own bedroom...

So when Hubby strolls in he basically does a full body clinch of his wife, and proceeds to look through the catalogue with her....

Her:  "OOOOH THAT one... We have that at home, and it's AMAZING.  Makes me scream like a banshee.  We've worn the nose off of THAT dolphin more than once, har har... oh and that one is even BETTER, especially with the cream that gets hot... I remember we got that when the neighbors down the street came over for a little visit.... Oh and THAT vibrator?  I got stopped at the airport and searched, because they thought it was some sort of nuclear missile when they saw it on the scanner.... remember honey?"

Him as he's thumbing through the catalogue:  "Got it, want it, want it...got it, got it...got that too, need it, want it...." He was all loud and proud discussing his junk... and I noticed as he got louder, the conversation in the rest of the party was dropping off and the martinis disappearing faster and faster.

These two culminated their performance by basically giving a full on dry hump on a trunk "Miss L" keeps in her kitchen... much to the horror of the one mom who'd come to accompany her daughter to the party... and Born Again, who is now swilling martini's with the rest of us....

I guess I am a WAY more straight laced girl than I thought I was.... I have to say, I was a little creeped out... OK - I'm lying, I was COMPLETELY creeped out... I mean these two are people I never wanted to have to picture nekkid!  but to get back to the whole I can't picture my mom selling sex toys angle, this woman is a mother to a teenage daughter who apparently found their whole arsenal of assault one day so she had to explain what they were... Glad I dodged THAT bullet...so here we are back to picturing my mom as a lumberjack...

Later....

Friday musings....

Since starting this whole blog thing, I've noticed getting my frustrations or ideas down "on paper" has been a real release for me.  It's a stress reliever, and I really should have been doing it for a very long time....

I told you at the very start of this adventure, A couple of years ago I jumped on the whole "Secret" bandwagon and had made a list of attributes I wanted in a future partner, and had gotten what I wanted.... except that apparently you get ONLY what you asked for...I guess writing stuff down is a good way to solidify your actual goals.  It forces you to focus on those things you want to have, but you better be careful what you wish for....

That woman who wrote The Secret says you have to send positive stuff out to the Universe in order for the Universe to hear and get your order right... She also says NOT to say what you don't want, because the Universe apparently isn't quite smart enough to understand what the word DON'T means...  Seems kinda strange to me, but maybe good help is hard to find....

Apparently the Universe has the same problems hiring as most fast food restaurants, because at McRonalds they can NEVER get that shit right... I mean, seriously... how hard can it be to put a different salad dressing in with one of their super-dee-duper good for you, not junk food at all salads...you know the ones... with bacon and the little envelope of dried yams and skittles to add to the tasteless bagged lettuce?

I can just picture some poor pimply faced kid who became an angel long before his time listening on a headset as you send your wishes out to the universe....

What you say:  "Universe I really, really want a bowl of popcorn"....

What comes through the crappy headset:  "Universe I really really want Ebola Unicorn".....Buddy looks at the other guy working with him and shrugs.... "Whatever blows your hair back, but we're fresh outta Unicorns... Ebola it is!" ...and next thing you know is you're bleeding from the eyeballs....

What I'm saying here is ENUNCIATE when you're sending in your order... and it might be a good idea to repeat it a couple of times to make sure they get that you want the ITALIAN not the RANCH with your order of tall, dark and handsome.... 

Later...